the ramblings of a wayward romantic...

the waiting.

2008-11-27T09:45:00.000-08:00

there is this silence
i keep
i have woven it into my sheets
to unravel each night
when i am eventually
taken by
sleep

my fingers find yours amidst the darkness
they touch somewhere along a broken
seam
ripping stitch by stitch
silently
to reveal what has been hidden
to see what has been ignored
in daylight

but
it is not you
my love,
but me conjuring you
line by line
what might have been
and what i wanted for things to become

there is this silence
i do not speak of,
until now

in faint sentences of solitude
and longing
i draw a picture of me
holding you in my arms, staring at a brilliant sunset
melting into the horizon
leaking into our dreams
as we catch stars
in between conversations
fading into morning.

*for this boy who remembers me every now and then, and whom i never fail to amaze.

(insert clever title)...

2008-08-08T14:37:00.000-07:00

Came home at about 2am from Jona's project at St.Lukes. Checked my mail. Decided to walk to Cubao x to witness the iloveyoustore event..

Arrived at 3am and was secretly wishing to bump into an online friend there, but I was surprised to realize that I didn't know many people in the crowd. Stood somewhere in the shadows,slightly swaying to the good music. I wanted to dance, and chat and linger. Be part of this beautiful energy pulsating into the early hours of the morning. Ordered one shot of tequila and a glass of sprite, to take the edge off my day...then silently bid the crowd goodbye and walked home.

and for once, in my life, i felt that i didn't belong...

requiem...

2008-05-21T20:52:00.000-07:00

i made a pact with the universe
to never utter your name again
nor
to anyone

until it
no longer means anything to me
other than an unfortunate combination
of letters

like mahogany leaves blown by the wind
settling on the floor of some far-off forest
in some foreign land

our story will be a tell-tale heart
buried under a grave with no epitaph
to commemorate its birth nor death

until the memories have faded
into the ground
and

the beating of your heart resonates again
to wake that of which has been forgotten
and put to rest

until then

love lies here.

an update of some sort...

2008-03-12T11:03:00.001-07:00

It's getting more challenging to convince my Mom that I don't have a boyfriend. It seems she always thinks that there's someone in my life right now, and at certain points in my very fast paced day I secretly wished her assumptions were true.

I'm finished with Kate Zapanta and Kei Oribello's wedding and I must say that I am extremely proud of myself. The weddings gowns looked wonderful and exactly how I pictured them inside my mind. I wish I took pictures but I was too busy attending to other things or so tired that it didn't occur to me that I needed to take pictures. I promise I will post pictures of their gowns as soon as I get hold of some.

Ho hum.

I had my hair cut short again. I don't know what got into me at 2am, after meeting Ate Susan in Antipolo. I dropped by the 24 hour Reyes Haircutters Salon at Anonas and got myself a quirly and spiky cut.

I know I've been getting fatter these past few months and my stomach is bulging like I'm a 2 month old pregnant mommy, and I sincerely apologize. From now on, I'll be working my ass off to get the 6 pack I've always dreamed off. One month to go...Camiguin here I come.

In the words of Justin Timberlake....

I'm bringing sexy back...

Stolen....or my new number.

2008-01-27T10:32:00.000-08:00

To make a long story short, my phone was stolen yesterday while I was on my way home. I was climbing the overpass in Guadalupe when I suddenly felt that my phone was no longer in my pocket. I wanted to panic and shout for help but I got hold of my self and stayed calm. Number one, it isn't my turf and number two, I had no plans of getting mugged and killed at the same time. After three years of not losing my phone, it was a moment wherein I felt so vulnerable.

I am tempted to quote Elizabeth Bishop at this moment but it seems I've gone overboard on her poetry regarding loss, instead I opt to listen to Walter Anderson with these words..

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself. Walter Anderson

I kinda figured that I felt bad because I instantly lost contact with so many people. And yes, I need to have a new batch of calling cards printed, since the remainder of the first batch still has the old number. Thank God I have my client's contact numbers on the contracts I had them sign for their garment orders.

Marami pa akong kwento pero sobrang pagod at antok na ako. May kwento pa ako tungkol sa halos dalawang linggong pagtuturo ko sa Our Lady of Guadalupe Minor Seminary. Yeah, being in charge of more than 50 high school seminarians might strike a kinky note in many people' minds. But for now, here's my new number so you can all save it.

09296234170

Do message me for your contact numbers, and please do leave your name at the end of the message. Maraming-maraming salamat..

Or better yet...You can leave me a comment at the end of this entry with your number...Now, isn't that fantabulous?...

manila - vigan - manila in under 24 hours...

2008-01-21T10:33:00.000-08:00

Bugbog na ang pwet ko. Oo, alam kong ang kinky pakinggan nun. Pero hindi nakakatuwang umupo ng labing isang oras papuntang Vigan, bumili ng tela, at sumakay na pabalik ng Maynila. Kahapon na ata ang pinakaboring na araw sa buhay ko, I guess riding a bus for more than 20 hours isn't my idea of a fun trip. So much for seeing the sights and enjoying the experience. I went to Vigan to buy the extra cloth for Kei Oribello's wedding entourage, since the first batch was a bit off in terms of color. The yellow was too bright, and the red as well. Think Mcdonald's and don't think anyone really wants a Mcdo themed wedding. Thank God I found a lighter yellow and more earthy red, and I'm glad Kei seems to be happy about her Abel Iloco already.

I guess this entry sounds spiked with OC-ness and being overly workaholic but these past few weeks have been the most toxic with my choreography sessions at Our Lady of Guadalupe minor seminary, bridal fittings in between, meeting with new clients and giving orders to my seamstress ( making sure that they work while I attend to other projects.)

I think I should be used to this already. The fast paced, insane, and up-to-the neck work and lack of personal time. Nung isang araw napagkatuwaan akong tanungin ng mga studyante ko sa seminaryo kung magkano daw ang binabayad sa akin para sa ginagawa kong choreography, production design at kung ano pang creative consultation para sa kanila. Napatigil ako, siguro'y dahil hindi ko kailanman tinanong kung magkano ang honorarium. Napangiti ako, maybe because the money never really mattered ever since i could remember. Kahit ngayon, I still am bad at putting a price on the things I make or do.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to happiness. Ilang araw na rin akong iniintriga ng nanay ko, at may boyfriend na raw ako dahil ang saya ko raw umuuwi. Hmm..The work must be doing me some good. I'm slowly realizing that happiness isn't just dependent on having a love life or a relationship, and I must admit that it gets pretty lonely dating people who flit in and then disappear every now and then or looking back at that one person who left you without answers or the one you let go by mistake. I am blessed, I smile to myself. With all the work, projects and interesting people I am meeting right now, I have no right to complain or rant.

New year. New perspective.

No more waiting. No more expectations.

happy new year santi.

p.s ( last year was a good and bad year. and i honestly believe this one promises to be a better one, Prince or no prince..)

pagbabalatkayo ng liwanag..

2007-12-20T11:06:00.000-08:00

Ilang larawan mula sa session ko with UP Cinema.
Kuha ni Greg Sabado Styling at costumes ni Santi Obcena

when you believe in love at first sight, you never stop looking...

2007-11-10T12:17:00.000-08:00

waking up in a dream
santi obcena

i try
to count the inches
between your dream and mine

for this impenetrable darkness
that separates
then binds us
holds no uncertainty
anymore.

we have come to a point of understanding
wherein the stars have lost their voices
yet the lights resonate in our lost conversations of
constellations not yet discovered, or civilizations
eventually forgotten

sprawled at the foot of my bed
i hear the echo of your heartbeat
in the dead of night

yearning.
i wait in
anticipation, for your hand upon my cheek
and my fingers in your hair

tongues caught in a malevolent tango
set to the night wind blowing thru the window

chest rising upon the hand
mapping each square inch of its
naked skin,
fingers walking on the terrain of this familiar landscape

of bushes and fields
of mountains, and cliffs

then plunging itself into the calm sea
that is your mouth,
rising and falling
until we reach the white picket fence
only to turn back and marvel at the
explosion of ten thousand new years
echoed in whispers of ecstasy

but for now,
we will count the minutes and then seconds
for the next surging wave

that will eventually drive us into each others
arms, beloved.

november 6, 2007
12:22am

my 102nd blog entry...

2007-08-25T12:46:00.000-07:00

I have to apologize for my inability to write something substantial here for a very long time. I must admit that my toxic schedule, that all of you might have noticed in the past blog entries, still manages to keep me out of the net sometimes. So many things have happened in between my overly-sentimental blog entry about the boy who went back to his star.

All I can say is that I still think that he's still a great guy, but I will never understand and be a member of his Dating Club anymore. Somehow, I have this profound respect for Love and Dating. Let's just leave it at that.

Hmm..what can I actually say on my 102nd blog entry.

Okay maybe I'll tell you TEN Random things about my life right now.

1.) I will be doing new costumes for the re-run of Romulus D Grayt at the PETA Theater Center in September and October. Bongga!

2.) I am finally enrolling for my last term in college. Hurrah! Gagraduate na rin ako, finally.

3.) I am still single...I just don't know if there's a think called as Happily Single or Prosperously Single...although I am quite okay with my single-ness.

4.) I'm pursuing my dream of having my own atelier (shop) and it will be called the love parade atelier. Temporarily, it will be situated in my house, until I find a good apartment unit with a price tag of just about 4 to 8k in the Cubao area.

5.) I'm doing creatives (dance, costumes, and make-up) for an up and coming indie film that will be starting production in a few months. And I'm also doing costumes for Karl Castro's film thesis...ngaragan na ito.

6.) I am officially a Multiply addict now, and all i need is a digi-cam so I can be a total cam whore.

7.) I'm getting good reviews and so much bridal inquiries from w@w or "weddings at work" that I'm kinda getting flattered...

8.) I love Sitti's new album, and I'm totally head-over-heels for her rendition of U2's With or Without You and Spice Girls' 2 Become 1.

9.) I love WANDA and her blog.. Try reading her blog and you'll know why...Pambakla lang! http://anggandaniwanda.blogspot.com/

10.) Last but not the least, I am starting to like a certain boy which I have known to exist just a few days ago. We share so many things in common, and I'm afraid that we share too much in common. I don't know if you'll like me or see me in that light, but somehow, I have a feeling that you'd make a good partner in life. I mean, I'm not the best judge of character. But I have a good feeling that there's so much of Me in you and You in me. My only fear is that we somehow stem from the same tree.

Basically, that's it for now. Until I get the chance to visit here again.. Kudos..
padayon....

santi panty.

2007-07-07T10:58:00.000-07:00

"paalam na aking anghel,

lumisan na’t malayo pa ang lalakbayin…”

-Sa Lilim ng Buwan

At 11pm Philippine standard time last Monday, a plane bound for Houston, Texas took off into the evening sky ,and with it, a part of my heart also went up in the air. The past weeks have been the most beautiful moments in my life. I met a man who inspired me unconsciously, with one picture, teaching me a lesson in discipline, patience and temperance. Years after that encounter with his picture, I finally met the person through the internet and then in real life.

Somehow, in the process of going out with him, I suddenly fell in love. For almost two weeks, I had the chance to discover this wonderful person and share beautiful moments. There were days we'd stay up late at Starbucks or hang out at the 5th floor elevators of Gateway chatting about old scars and family lives. Walking home from a movie and dinner date, we talked about the unbearable weight of transience, being lost, facing certain changes and uncertainty in this life. Somehow, we shared mornings, afternoons and even evenings together; deconstructing stories and making memories.

Remembering a very familiar quote, I guess all good things do come to an end. The days did creep up on us and suddenly, I was faced with the fact that this man before me had to go back to America, to his star. Funny though, we always associated ourselves with The Little Prince. Him, being the Prince and me, being the Fox. I'd like to think that the Little Prince did have a space in his heart for the Fox that he tamed. I guess there is indeed this danger of sadness when one allows himself to be tamed.

As I am writing this, I know he has finally arrived in the land of promise, tired from more than a day of changing planes and flying half-way across the world. As I am left here in Manila, so many thoughts and questions have started to knock on my door and I must admit that I haven't stopped crying at the sight of a Body Shop store, Mcdonald's, and Starbucks. I know it sounds overly melodramatic but that's how I really am as a person. I cry for things, people, places and events in my life which I deem important and memorable.

I know that a number of my friends have read my previous entries and are asking me what's wrong or why am I sad, or who's the cause of all of my "senti" entries, that is why I have agreed with the other side of my brain to finally write this.

Putting this down on a piece of paper or the internet actually is a double-edged sword of some sort, because you get to use writing as a catharsis but there is a risk that people might think you're a deranged person who's maniacally in love with someone you've only met for almost two weeks. Trust me, most of my supposed friends think that I've fallen head over heels too soon. There are only a handful of people who think otherwise and I'm not really annoyed nor bothered that only a few people can see it my way or how I perceive my own feelings and situation. Remembering a line from Liza Magtoto's Agnoia , "Iba-iba tayo ng paraan ng pagmamahal."

Sadly, I didn't get an absolution nor certainty before he left, only this realization that those two weeks wasn't an utter waste of time but rather the best moments in my adult life. To be given the chance to know someone intimately and completely, to share unguarded times and very personal details, is certainly a gift that one has to treasure for all time. To find someone whom you want to share dreams and conversations with and grow old with is like hitting a jackpot on the lottery or finding a diamond in mud.

To this boy, I wish you all the goodness and beauty this life has to offer. I finally realize that we are from the same mold, and will always strive for freedom. That is why I ask you to fly, follow your dreams and explore every nook and cranny in the universe. All of the new people, places and experiences that you chance upon will define you better as a person. This is my greatest wish, for you to be able to grasp your dreams and find your way to the top of the world. It pains me that it will be a long time before our paths cross again, but I pray that it does in the end. I realize that I cannot make you love me, for only your heart can make you feel that way, but I do hope you get to remember me fondly every now and then. You have given me more than you will ever know, and for that I am forever grateful.

To love, art and dreaming...

...paglaya...

2007-07-01T20:54:00.001-07:00

...pinawalan ko na ang lahat ng itinatago kong lihim ng pagsinta,

heto ako't sumusugal sa tadhana...

Suitcases and travel bags
If you’re ever coming back
Just leave a couple of things for me
Oh, leave me your sweet perfume
Spray it around the room
And I’ll pray that you’ll come home soon
Suitcases and travel bags
I can’t sit and watch you pack
Just leave a couple of things for me
Oh, leave me your sweet perfume
Spray it around the room
And I’ll pray that you’ll come home soon, come home soon
-Gabe Bondoc, Suitcases and Travel Bags

...mrt cubao to mrt shaw...

2007-06-09T12:48:00.000-07:00

marahil
ito na ang hudyat ng pagkalas
ng karimlan mula sa lupang kinatatamnan
hindi man pansin
ang bawat bituing lulan ng kadiliman
ay may pising nakabuhol sa pananaginip

isang libo't tatlong pagkakataong hinayaang lumipas
sa pagitan ng mga piping sandali
lilingon ka't ngingiti
nangangarap na sasaluhin ko ang pagbagsak ng puso mo
mula sa sinapupunan ng langit
ngunit hahayaan ko itong lumapagapak sa
malamig na sahig ng katahimikang ito

ni hindi titinag mula sa tanawing
bumihag sa aking paningin, sa labas ng bintana
kasabay ng pagkabasag ng puso mo
ang salaming nakapalibot sa atin
nagtatangkang higupin tayo palabas
ngunit mahigpit ang aking kapit
sabay pikit.

umusal ng isang panalangin
upang makalimot sa pagtatagpong ito
sabay dilat ng mata
napangiti

at wala ka na.

...gateway moment with sir glenn...

2007-05-18T16:30:00.000-07:00

Kagabi, sa pagitan ng isang malaking basong Ice tea at Coke ay sinubukan naming himayin ang mga tanong ng puso. Naguguluhan man, namutawi ang kasaysayan sa gitna ng palihan..

Kagabi, naisip ko yung isang quip tungkol sa pag-ibig..."The heart is a lonely hunter."

Lalo kong napag-isipan ang sarili kong kinalalagyan sa panahong ito sa panig ng relasyon at pag-ibig, at lalo akong nahintakutan sa kung saan ko pupulutin ang puso sa pagitan ng kaguluhang ito. I must admit that I have been misleading a certain person with the signals I sent, and I am very sorry for causing any hurting or adding confusion to the situation.

It hasn't been easy for me to realize that all my playing around has led me lost in the fast paced world of adult life and the sad part is that I'm not sure how to solve this tangled discourse and get to the middle of the clearing. Quoting a good friend of mine, "This summer has been a crazy rollercoaster ride.." and all I want to do is get off for now, puke my insides out and shake off this spinning sensation in the bottom of my stomach.

The considerable number of replies to my previous and quite serious blog entry is very much comforting and enlightening at the same time, making me realize points I have never come across in this lost-ness. Somehow, being acquainted with so many people intimately is like lending your money to total strangers. Having to put out much of yourself and giving it away, not entirely sure if there would be something that'll come back to you. I must admit that I do get something out of the casual encounters but the enlightenment is outweighed by this unbearable knot in my life.

Everything just feels a bit queer...

At tulad ni Sir Glenn, parang gusto ko na rin munang magbakasyon

at lumayo...

para mag-isip

para mag-change of scenery

para makalanghap ng sariwang hangin

para maging tao uli.

...napulot ko lang sa tabi-tabi...

2007-05-14T14:39:00.000-07:00

"No amount of favors, flowers, gifts, help, kindness, service, etc. will change the beat of his heart unless he sees you as his perfect match.

Loving you back is not a calculation of his mind in response to what you do but an irrational, unquantifiable and beautiful auto response to plainly seeing you doing absolutely nothing."

~Arnell Ignacio

..Lonely friday night, all the stars came down to drink the night away..

2007-05-10T14:21:00.000-07:00

Friday, and i find myself infront of the computer, lost and confused. Somehow, I just can't put my finger on what it is that keeps on haunting me these past few days, and it weighs me down. I'm kinda scared, and feeling so vulnerable at whatever the end might be and where do I find myself.

"When you're fucking so many people, somehow, it's always your heart and mind that gets fucked up in the end."

I keep telling that to people but it seems I was hyprocritical about it all this time. Don't get me wrong, I am not the image of perfection nor a saint. I always thought that I needed to experience life, not just the middle but also the extremes so that in the end I wouldn't have any regrets nor second thoughts. But somehow, I didn't realize that with each person I shared the night with, the more unsure I'd be of myself rather than uncover an unknown territory. I'm afraid that I am starting to be numb.

Bit by bit, everyday, it seems that I'm being emptied of all the feeling and surety that I once had. I no longer have the power to decide immediately if I need something or not. The transcience of the casual rendezvous is suddenly getting the best of me. And I'm slowly losing grip of who I am.

I just want to stop spinning.

6 degrees at the CCP...

2007-05-07T13:00:00.000-07:00

In celebration
of the 30th Anniversary
of Philippine High School for the Arts,
two Palanca award winning plays will be
performed back to back by the Sipat Lawin Ensemble:

six degrees

AGNOIA ni Liza Magtoto (based on the short story "Horosope" by Eli Gueb III)
SALA SA PITO ni George de Jesus III

May 11, 2007 7:30pm
May 12, 2007 3pm & 7:30pm
May 13, 2007 3pm

Venue: Tanghalang Huseng Batute, CCP
Ticket price:P200

I'll be performing on these dates:
May 11, 2007 , 7:30pm
May 12, 2007 3pm and 7:30 pm

Just message me here for ticket discounts and inquiries..You can also text or call me at 09212609595, to reserve or inquire. Just make sure you leave your name at the end of the message.

Thanks..

santi
[ ang pambansang bakla ng pilipinas ]

...two weeks with nude models and foreigners..

2007-04-13T23:39:00.000-07:00

After a very long time of not blogging, this seems to be the weirdest feeling in the world and I feel very much detached . So much has happened from my last entry, and it would take me forever (well, not really forever) to update my life.

I would just like all of you to know that I got in the Asean Design workshop, in the Costume design category as the sole delegate for Philippines. Under the tutelage of Gino Gonzales, we are learning about the proper processes and skills that will equip all of us into becoming a good costume designer. It just really is surprising because all the people and learnings leave me dumbstruck. At first, I thought that this was just an inter-manila thing involving different designers from Manila but no, I am in a workshop with nine other people representing their own countries. These are talented costume designers for film, stage and dance, some are even award winning illustrators and painters..all the best in their country. I guess I just can't believe that I was given this great opportunity to learn so much.

The workshop started this week and will running til next week, ending with an exhibition of our new conceptual works for Realizing Rama, an earlier project of the ASEAN. The workshop starts at 10am and ends around 7pm, and that really is very reminiscent of my freshman college schedule. Everyday is filled with so many activities like nude sessions, coloring, drawing, and discussions about the design processes. And I feel like a big sponge....ready to take in everything. And no, I didn't have that much fun with the nude session, as many of you might've predicted. I guess my extensive collection of Bel-ami gay porn flicks made my taste a little bit more discerning. Mind you, the model they got had a tummy and a small thingy, and that was very hard for everyone. (No pun intended.)

I must admit that I was kinda hesitant to say yes, to this workshop because of all the other rackets I had to say NO to, but I am very thankful that I just stepped off the Opportunist's train and gambled. I believe I'm getting more than I expected to learn. And yes, there's this boy in the set design class that makes my whole being skip like a girl wearing a sunday dress to church. I'm playing it slow now, no labels, no expectations, just this honest feeling. I'm quite cautious of putting much intellectuality to it, for it might kill the relationship even before it even starts...I'm just taking everything one step at a time.

Well, here's me signing off for now. Gotta take a shower and head to divisoria now..

heehee..

..the long and winding road..

2007-03-31T17:12:00.000-07:00

I must admit that haven't had the intiative to write something about my life for quite some time now. I guess that laziness has gotten the best of me. There's so much that need to be written down, and I guess I gotta start somewhere to get it out of my mind.

I'll just take a nap and figure out where to start.

But, yes, I am okay and happy at this point in my life and there are so many developments in all of the aspects of my life...

lalalalalalala la.....kwento ko mamaya..

ps. ( my topless pic in friendster and multiply is certainly making heads turn, and i don't really know why...haha.)

padayon.

...Paano kung paggising ko, mahal pa rin kita?...

2007-03-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

ni Ces Millado at Queng Reyles
at inilathala sa Fading into Sunrise, Fading into Me.

Paano kung paggising ko,
mahal pa rin kita?
Kung ang nilimot na halik
Ay isa-isang magtampisaw
sa manhid ko nang alaala?

Paano kung sa magdamag kong

pagtulog ang kinahimbingang

anino'y ikaw pa rin?

Paano kung ang sagot

sa mapangutyang ginaw
ng madaling araw
ay ang alaalang yakap mong
hindi na akin?

Paano kung ang hatinggabi'y

palilipasin pa rin

sa paglimot

at pagsilip sa sikat ng araw

mula sa aking silid?

Kung ang halinghing ng hangin
ay bubulong ng
pangalan mo
di na rin kailanman bibigkasin...

Kung ang kakapain pa ri'y
kung saan muling maririnig
ang iyong tinig...

Kung paggising ko
mahal pa rin kita,
tulog akong magluluksa
sa puso kongnalimutang muli
ang magmahal ng sariling pagkatao.

Ilang beses na akong umayaw.
Paulit ulit na nilasing ang sarili
sa mga usok at ingay,
sa mga salitang sinulat sa
naglalahong guhit ng papel.

Pagkat ang paglaya
sa pagsasama nating
kay tamis - kay pait

Ay pagbitiw sa kadena
ng iyong pagkalinga.

Ilang libong hakbang na ang
nilakad papalayo sa iyo
nagpupumilit na di na lumingon
na di na rin tumingin,
na hindi na makaramdam.

Kung paggising ko,
mahal pa rin kita
Mag-aalay ako ng balde-baldeng luha
(sindami ng iniyak ko sa nagdaang paglaya)
Pagkat gabi pa rin ang gabi
kung ikaw pa rin ang iiibigin
Hindi pa marahil nagbubukangliwayway.
Hihintayin ko ang
tilaok ng manok
Upang magising sa isang mapaglarong
bangungot.

Kung paggising ko'y
mahal pa rin kita,
babalikan ko ang mga panaginip
at papatayin ang alaala.

...heartbreak hotel in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

2007-03-09T05:54:00.000-08:00

Today, was one of the best days of my life. And I will never
forget how we danced side by side, in a room full of
people we know and do not know,
moving in one beat
at a pace we both
know by heart
you and i
are one
finally.
I
have
arrived at
this moment
in time, wherein
I break again, at your
slightest touch. Somehow,
I believed that the three years
would've healed all wounds and answered
all the questions that used to haunt my every waking moment.

after all this time, you still have the power
to break my heart into
a hundred thousand pieces,

without knowing,

that your slightest touch will render me

vulnerable on the floor.

ho hum....

...the transience of things and being professionally single..

2007-02-21T10:14:00.000-08:00

I know this is long overdue, having been too busy to even spend my birthday . Yes, I regret to inform all of you that I was rehearsing and working on the day of my birthday and dancing my ass off, because we had a show the day after that. I must admit that I didn't feel very well, not being able to spend it with my family and even have a normal family dinner. And yes, I plan to make amends as soon as February is finished. Maybe, I'll treat the Brady bunch to a dinner at my favorite restaurant...Hap Chang...hurrah..

Somehow, I still can't believe that I am now 23 years old. Parang ang bilis ng panahon masyado, and I got lost in the activities that transpired althroughout last year. I'd like to give you a rundown of the happenings in my life but I feel that most of them are in this blog already that it'll be useless to do so. ho hum...

The Cavite show went well, despite my lack of sleep and stress, I still succeeded in pulling off a good performance. Somehow, Tuliro came out well with the aid of my not-so-recent break-up with Arvin.

It's actually so surprising how many people wanted to comfort me at that time, asking me whether I was okay and if my heart was in the right place. Some of my friends even checked my arm for slashes, only to find I have successfully moved on from that "so-high school" catharsis of mine. So many people asked me how I felt and what happened, and all I could say is that "I'm okay, and I didn't feel like crying because nothing hurt inside."

And that was the comforting truth. I couldn't feel any regret nor remorse from ending my relationship with Arvin, mainly because I could no longer feel him in that relationship add that to the fact that he was "loving" someone else whilst "loving" me. But subtracting that fact, which was only known to me after I broke off the relationship, I knew it was headed for the dumpster already the moment we shared the last kiss. Somehow, when you've been kissing someone for so many times, every kiss has a story to tell.

I would've wanted our story to end more dramatically in a Gone With the Wind splendor, but the 5-month courtship/relationship ended in almost 6 hours without him giving much of a fight. It would've been great if Arvin actually dispelled all of my doubts that something fishy was going on, much to my dismay. But even heroes do fall from their heaven, as I say. The only regret I have at this point, is wasting my time and emotions on a person who wasn't there for me or this relationship much of the time. Yes, I know that ours was a long distance relationship, yet I felt that he wasn't even trying his best to be here, except for the fact that he came for christmas and met my family, for us. Besides that, I'd have to say that it was a relationship fuelled by poetry and long distance longing, that somehow wasn't enough, sad to say..

Writing a poem seemed to be the perfect ending to cap of the relationship, as a poem brought us together for the first time in G4M...A poem for a love that blazed so strong that it blew out all of my candles.

I was actually thinking of ym status the other day, to quantify my status and finally came up with Professionally Single. A person who's single because he chooses to concentrate on his career and make himself better through projects and activities whilst enjoying the singularity of his life.

Looks like this status will stick for quite some time, cos I need to save up and build my atelier from the ground up...buying machines and getting more clients.. ho hum..

Here's to another year of dreaming, love, art and chaos....

p.s (salamat ng marami sa mga bumati sa akin nung birthday ko at bumabati pa rin hanggang ngayon. I deliberately moved my birthday from feb 18 to a different date on friendster to find out who'd remember my birthday despite the loss of a digital reminder. heehee...and somehow, it was a fun experience...)

p.s ng p.s (watch out for the new pics of my latest garment creations, from dance costumes to formal wear...and more of my musings soon..)

for arvin..( maraming salamat sa ilang buwan ng pagkaaliw at pagpapalitan ng mga kuro-kuro ukol sa buhay, pag-ibig at sining. I also thought "Us" would stand longer than this but I guess this is our destiny. May you find the happiness that was destined for you all along...)

..through the looking glass..

2007-02-06T09:43:00.000-08:00

i am the owner
of this heart that no longer beats
for you

you were the sweet december
that took five months to bloom
that burned with a passion so strong
that it blew out all of my candles

boarding the train to the neverland of hearts
mornings do come, as Alice said
where this tree unhinges
its roots from your memory

opening the door
to room 2046 of dreams
i look back at all the the rose petals caught in mid-air
wondering if there really is a happy ending
beneath all these
wishful thinking and passionate goodbyes

my step is unsure
and the wind breaks from the right side
breathing my last, i look back at you
leaving you a burning farewell kiss
as i step off and
abandon ship.

He didn't turn back.
It's as if he boarded a very long train headed for a drowsy future through the unfathomable night.
Everyone who goes to 2046 has the same intention: they want to recapture lost memories.

Because in 2046, nothing ever changes.
But nobody really knows if that is true or not

because nobody has ever come back.

-Chow Mo-Wan, in Wong Kar-Wai's 2046

..in between the stars, i am lost...

2007-02-03T10:14:00.000-08:00

..at 2:15am, i find myself numb...

...i can't feel anything, and i don't know what's wrong with my heart..

and the worst part is that i want to break-up and just drown in work.

but i'm not sure if that's what i really need....

...and if i'll regret this

like the last one.

...bagong tula para sa minamahal..

2007-01-26T08:20:00.000-08:00

bukangliwayway
(para kay buybuy)

madalas akong humabi
ng tula
para sa kamatayan ng pag-ibig

waring pagtirik ng kandila sa puntod
at pagtuldok sa kwento ng romansa
at nag-aalab na damdamin

luha at tuwa
isinulsing magkasama
ng halakhak at
dusa

waring yarda-yardang
paggunita na ang natapos

nalathala, binasa,
pinuri, at pinalakpakan

ngunit
nang matagpuan ka

sa wakas
ay natuto
rin akong tumula

bilang panimula.

..you don't know me that well....

2007-01-16T10:40:00.000-08:00

1.Song playing at the moment?

* Heavy by Holly Brook and Oo by UpDharmaDown -the refreshing lyrics and good sound do make me think that there is big hope for the music industry, other than the Boom Tarat and Pamela Mela's of our time.

2. One reason for living?
* The sentimental optimistic romantic inside compells me to say LOVE, which is very much true.

3. Do u think you're ok?
* I haven't been more than okay, well not really on the economic side but I know there are more things to be thankful for, like a loving partner, healthy family and friends, and better ties with people.

4. Ever donated blood?
* Yup, I have. And I'm proud to say that I enjoy sharing a part of myself with people who need it the most.

5. Fave color(s)?
* I'd have to say blue, black, and white...

6. Accessories you usually wear?
* Hmmm....A dog tag which Dianne gave me for christmas, it says "I LOVE BOYS"...so very ME...yet I've come to love MEN more than BOYS more, over the years.

7. One song to describe a heartbreak in the past?
* The Scientist sang hauntingly by Chris Martin, I say, would best describe the greatest heartbreak ever in my life. Just makes you want to go back to the start.

8. Last place you went to?
* Secret.. joke lang. Sa banyo, juminggel...

9. Last person u went out with?
* Depende sa meaning ng went out. Kung labas lang talaga, i guess it would beStephen and the Villa repapips at Penguin listening to Makiling Ensemble. Kung date, it would be with Mr. June Arvin Gudoy at Hap Chang Malate.

10. The most boring sport?
* Hmmm? I'd have to say I don't find any sport boring. I guess each sport has it's own high, and seeing the players focused and immersed in the game would be a great moment.

11. Ever had a baby?
* Haven't had one yet, that I know of. But I hope to have kids in the future.

12. Last movie/s y0u've seen?
* In Her Shoes, starring Cameron Diaz and Toni Collete. Two sisters who share nothing in common, other than their shoe size, or so they thought. Enlightingly, funny and light. And CLOSER, which stars Julia Roberts, Natalie Portman, Clive Owen and Jude Law in a love story for adults, also which I have watched for the nth time...because it is so fu-*-ing clever and witty.

13. Any piercings or tattoo?
* Wala naman, I've always had something against putting something permanent in your body...

14.The best gift ever?
* Hmmm...My partner coming all the way from Laoag, to spend Christmas with me and meet my family and friends. Seeing him with my mom, chatting about life, at 3am is the most magical moment ever.

15. Act on stage before?
* I must say I've acted about three to five times in this lifetime, essaying such interesting characters from Salud (Buhay sa Tambakan), Red (Intersection), and a semi-nude Igorot boy in an elementary play.

16. Struck by lightning before?
* I wish. Parang masayang experience yun, huwag lang sana masunog buhok ko sa kilikili o madedo ako.

17. Danced with your loved one before?
* Yep. I think I danced with my first boyfriend, with Hedwig and the Angry Inch playing on the tv. After almost eight years of being a dancer, I never thought dancing could be that stimulating.

18. Ever wished you could turn back time?
* There are days which I wished about that, but then again, I believe that everything happens for a reason and all that yadda yadda yadda, which happens to be really true.

19. What would you do if you woke up one day to find yourself to be the same person but the opposite sex?
* I'd kiss the boys and make 'em cry.

20. One song that's meaningful to you?
* Crash into Me by The Dave Matthew's Band really hits the spot for me, after all these years. It is the perfect example that poetry sounds good married with music, and yes, the words strike me so hard.

21. Last person you met for the first time?
* Hmm...that's a tricky question. I guess it would be Ezeck's friend who also went to the Pharmanex seminar, sadly I can't remember his name.

22. What will you be doing tomorrow?
* I'll be in Divi again, helping Kalila shop for some stuff for TP's The Pretenders.

23. Ever thought of robbing a bank?
* Di pa naman, I guess I'd rather raid Folded&Hung instead of the bank. heehee..I am so loving their clothes.

24. One thing you totally regret doing/done?
* Being careless with a lover's heart.

25. Do people like you?
* This is a funny question. But yes, I do think that there's a noticeable percentage of people who like being around me and enjoy my company, even though I am such a boring and silent person...

26. What was the last game you played on the computer?
* Can't remember, but i remember playing porn..oops!

27. Someone who means a lot to you at the moment?
* My family and Mr. Gudoy.

28. The color of your mobile phone?
* Black, and scratched all over.

29. Do you hate someone at the moment?
* Nope. Hating someone is such an utter waste of time...and even if I had all the time in the world, I'd rather hate poverty rather than hate a person...My gosh, that answer was so Miss Universe-ish.

30. What do you wish to happen?
* I guess I'll run out of space here if I told you what I wanted to happen. But yes, I have a ten year plan, like have a car by 25, a house by 27, get my parent's their own house in tagaytay or something, and maybe get married and have kids by 32..then see the world....And I also want to change the world little by little, by either becoming be becoming a good artist and educator...sabi sa 'yo simpleng tao lang ako...

i am so bored, so bear with me...heehee

mga tula para sa mga lalaking inibig at iniibig..

2007-01-13T06:17:00.000-08:00

the oracle
(para kay red)

lonely days and coffee stains
leave a mark on the table top of memories
tears overflow my bathtub
spilling to the valleys of this estranged heart

on and on
the song on the radio fades away
but still my ears grow deaf to the silence beginning to
settle in the grand design of our lives

don't you hear the walls breaking
and the ceilings creaking at your slightest
touch

tell me how it all started
so i can show you how it ended.

erase and rewind
(para kay ej)

i tried my best to catch my words
in mid-air
one by one, they seemed to slip from this tongue
and unravel onto your palms

not just your average little everyday words
but rather big, confused, and paranoid words
borne out of impulsive loneliness
magnified by sheer human doubt

afternoons spent in musty theater offices
discussing sketches
evenings in rickety-floored dance rooms
weaving songs into dances
early mornings cradled
by yards and yards of cloth and the monotonous whirr
of my portable sewing machine

i retrace every step
the path of each leaf that falls from
this dying tree of memory

to the moment, as Alice said

where i give in
where i let go
where i take you off and hang you
on the coat rack

there were no fireworks
nor big marching parades
nor resounding melodies

just this
searing pain of regret
that starts from the base of your stomach
like a punch driven to hurt
render you
vulnerable on the floor
eating uncertainty for breakfast
while bathing in self-pity for the sins that have been
committed

but there in no recourse
and no resolution
only this absolution
i go

back and forth
and back and
forth and back
and forth and
back to this endless longing

i lick my lips
and sample the bitter rye of realization
that this story of ours
can never be edited
to have a happy ending.

3:25am
(para kay arvin)

you sidle up to me at twenty-five minutes past three

smelling of cigarettes and sweat
shirtless,
arms find me amidst the darkness and
your tongue says hello to my ear

i keep silent
not sure if i want to push or pull
fingers trace secret
passages and labyrinths
on bare skin

my back arches
as your
three-day old stubble rubs against my neck

you shift
and i find you on top
with your warm body singing to mine

the whole house rings quiet
as i imagine my family sleeping in their beds
enjoying the holiday chill in their own dreams

i take a deep breath

as i take you

in

all of you
on this early christmas morning.

p.s ( just want to wish all of you a great new year, and my apologies for the late entries. It seems that the internet in the house isn't working at this time and some opportunities are coming thru the lull. Just want to share three poems i wrote over the holiday season.. hope you like them..)

...eating cake at 4am, january one...

2006-12-31T12:10:00.000-08:00

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalala
lalalalala
lalala
lala
la
.

hello stranger.

...something that's supposed to be my new year entry ...

2006-12-30T11:16:00.000-08:00

No.

I will not be doing a recap of the year that was, in my life. I think that most of the things that happened this year are better off remembered privately, or better yet, all of you out there might want to sit down with me for some coffee and conversation if you happen to be really curious. I must admit that it has been half-depressing and half-surprising year, you lose some and you gain some.

In the end, the mess we call "Our Lives" is a summation of every decision we had to make or did not make. And yes, I may not be as rich as I wanted to be last year or where I want to be yet I can honestly say that I am happy and very much thankful for everything that I have felt, experienced and for all the new people I've met.

Tulad ng sinasabi ko sa lahat ng tao, "Not every 22 year old leads the life I have, gets the chance to meet such gifted, talented and interesting people and is given the same great opportunities. "

Lastly, I have to say that this has been a good year for me in terms of the most important four letter word, L-O-V-E. For all of you who have been reading this blog of mine, I know some of you would like to contest the GOOD in the earlier sentence but still, I'd like to say that it is indeed good in roller coaster ride kinda way. Somehow, the act of finding then losing then realizing something then letting go finally and then finding the right person might be an awfully painful and weird process to go thru yet in the end I have learned more than what I intended to learn. There might have been more tears than laughs but all parties concerned are happy now, and wouldn't want it any other way. And for the others who have no idea of who I am talking about, I assure you that it's better that way. After all, in this life and age, one should learn not to broadcast everything for Life loses it's magic and mystery when we reveal all of the characters and spoil the story.

Just want to wish all of you a happy new year in a few hours, and hope that next one promises to be better than this year. Let's just keep our fingers crossed and our hopes up.

padayon.

...this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart..

2006-12-27T12:28:00.000-08:00

dearest

buybuy...

at 4:12am, i sit in front of the computer trying to stretch time and avoid coming back to my empty room, devoid of your presence and warmth. i must admit that the last four days we spent together made me believe in heaven on earth. you broke all the records in my book and redefined everything i've learned about relationships and love.

standing outside the bus, i felt like the good housewife waving farewell to the husband. and i couldn't help crying all the way home, didn't really matter to me if the other passengers we're looking at me. i just really felt like weeping for the distance i'd have to live with as your bus makes its way back to laoag.

thank you for bearing with me and all of my quirks, and letting me take care of you while you were here. i have a feeling that breakfasts at mcdonalds will never be the same for my family...

here's me looking forward to spending eternity in your arms, beloved...

padayon.

lovingly yours,

muymuy...

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

e.e cummings

..blindsided at 3am...

2006-12-22T01:53:00.000-08:00

I am currently giving my eye patch a rest after a day of sleeping it off and bumming around my bed. I never really thought that I'd be enjoying one whole day like this, just turning around in my bed, and listening to Norah Jones on my player. So many things have happened since I wrote my last entry, and somehow, I haven't even had the time to make the second part of the Shades of Grey entry. ho hum...

Just wanted to share that I won 3rd place at the PETA Christmas Party, in my Harajuku Geisha full regalia, complete with face paint and wig. I went with Kuya Buddy to the Theater Center, and stopped by Kuya Phil's house for a grand entrance. Everyone was mesmerized by my costume, and I'm glad that the sewing and running around has paid off with the compliments. But I think some face paint went into my eye and caused some abbrasion. And I needed to drop by the Labor Hospital in Proj. 4 to have it checked.

Thank God nothing serious happened, and I was only required to put some ointment and have my left eye covered with an eye patch so it would get some rest and not get infected. At the back of my mind, I was trying to play my own sick game. Thinking what might be the worse thing that could happen in case it wasn't a simple abbrasion and irritation, and I was scared of losing my left eye and half of my sense of sight.

...ho hum..

Gusto ko lang magpasalamat dahil mabait ang Diyos sa akin kahit na madalas akong magkulang sa kaniya sa pananampalataya ko at pagbibigay papuri at pasasalamat sa lahat ng biyayang binibigay niya sa akin. Aminado akong hindi lahat ng ka-edad ako ay nagkakaroon ng pagkakataong magkaroon ng ganitong mga oportunidad..

Somehow, in the whole scheme of my universe, I realized that I am not Superman nor Wonder Woman, I can break, cry, be weak and find my self on the floor sometimes...so I can pick myself up and dust off the yesterday and be better again.

padayon,

sants.

p.s (I'll be posting some of the pictures of the Harajuku Geisha soon, so you guys can see the price of beauty and vanity in full regallia.)

...shades of grey part one...

2006-12-11T11:35:00.000-08:00

I must admit that it took me quite a while to write something about my current life, somehow so much has happened within the last two weeks. First of all, i'd like to share that i choreographed a dance piece for a baranggay in marikina, there we're 105 students and we we're given eight minutes to tell a myth and wow the audience. In the end, I was left with almost no voice and so tired, mainly because it was quite a feat, the space we had to dance on was a 1,000 sq. meter part of the oval at Marikina Sports Complex. Aside from the choreography, which Ate Vernie and Kuya Ron helped me with too, I had to give them direction in the production design and costumes.

nakakaloka, as in. and that would be the understatement of the year. And mind you, I was also choreographing for a show that Tita Grace was doing. Instead of Arnie and me dancing, I suggested Jerald and Kuya Gaspar. It was very challenging flying from Marikina to Roosevelt, where Tita Grace's house was. I had to take a jeep to LRT megatren, then go down at gateway and transfer to the MRT, go down at Q. Ave station, board a jeep to Pantranco then hail a Muñoz jeep that'll drop me off in front of the house. Kapagod, sobra.

Going back to the Rehiyon-rehiyon entry I did for Brgy. Sta. Elena, somehow I had to walk to Marikina Sports complex from Katipunan, on the day of the competition since all the roads into Marikina we're blocked and they had to take a far detour. Hence, I was sweaty and tired even before the competition began. To make the situation worse, the girl who was suppoed to play the part of the bird, had an accident and was injured because of a stupid wire on the ground. Having no other option, I knew there was no other person who could play the role, therefore, I danced a role which I created but didn't practice for even one time. Okay naman ang kinalabasan ng palabas, pakiramdam ko nag marathon lang ako sa laki ng space at sobrang mega kaba ever dahil may akyat sa mga kawayan na never kong nagawa sa buhay ko kahit nung nasa makiling ako..ho hum..To cut a long a long story short, natapos naman ng matiwasay ang palabas, di nanalo ang mga bata pero masaya sila. Yun lang yung importante sa akin, yung fact na masaya sila.

After that, I went to AKIC (the hotel of CSB) to see if the people we're still there since there was the GREEN HARVEST AWARDS. Fortunately, everyone was still there and I got to see some of the SPO alumni. After which, some of us went to Mito's house. And that's where i'll be picking up on the second part of this entry..kailangan ko na maligo at pupunta pa ako ng divi..heehee.

(to be continued)

...the finality of things...

2006-12-01T21:00:00.000-08:00

i now know what i want, and i was on the verge of editing out the most important man in my life because of irrational fears and human doubts. yet now, i'm thankful i know what i really need. when i left manila yesterday, i lost an important person in my life yet when i come back to manila, i know i'm complete.

the fog of confusion has been lifted, and yes, it is still your hand, arvin that i want to hold and your heart in my palm.

this baguio trip has taught me so much. and i'm not making anymore mistakes and be reckless with other peoples hearts and with mine.

...from the mind of the boy who wants to be ballgown..

2006-11-27T04:03:00.000-08:00

just got this off Ie's bulletin board message at downelink, and thought to myself that it's been quite a while since I had some time to answer an online questionnaire. Plus, this seems to be quite an interesting set of questions.

1) are you single, taken or crushing?

--> taken, yet i don't know if this current relationship of mine is what i really want right now. i know it's bad, yet i still catch my self thinking bout someone else. ho hum.

2) are you happy with where you are?

--> hmmm. i must admit that i am quite happy with the opportunities that are coming my way, yet i can't say that i am generally happy. there are things i want to do but i can't pursue them because of some constraints.

3) when you meet the right person, do you fall fast?

--> i am such a klutz when it comes to falling in love. i fall at a rate faster than the speed of light, i guess.

4) have you ever had your heart broken?

--> yes, twice if memory serves me right. unlike my Ie, i don't really have a automatic defense mechanism against hurting. i have always believed in the idea that "one has to give everything, to gain everything." hence, when my relationships end, i always find myself shattered on floor.

5) do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is ok?

--> nope. i don't think that it will ever be okay.

6) would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?

--> i would probably have to say yes. as an aquarian, i always believe that people change and learn their lessons. and yes, i am very much human.

7) have you ever talked about marriage with another person?

--> yupyup. and i still do. somehow, marriage for me is a concept that has evolved into something more than just a religious ritual for straight people. i talk about it with my friends, mom, and my best friend...and yes, i am bridal wear designer, so i also discuss it with my clients.

8) do you want children?

--> yes, definitely. to raise a child is one of the greatest and most valuable gift that God has ever entrusted to Man.

9) how many?

--> about two or three would be wonderful.

10) would you consider adoption?

--> i'd like to see my self reflected in the eyes of a child that sprung from my own gene pool. but if it's too much to ask, then i'll be content with what God wants me and my partner to have.

11) if somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way for them to tell you?

--> i've always been a sucker for romantic endeavors, maybe because i am also a die hard romantic sentimental realist. i guess an invitation for a night out would be a good start, then he can probably tell it to me while looking into my eyes with the stars bearing witness.

12) do you enjoy playing hard to get?

--> sometimes i do. it's nice to see someone going after you and exerting much effort to be noticed.

13) do you want someone you can't have?

--> sadly, yes...stupid stupid me..

14) do you believe love at first sight exists?

--> hmm...very much, i must say.

15) do you believe in celebrating anniverseries?

--> i do enjoy the concepty of going on monthsaries and anniversaries. yet, i enjoy the thought of celebrating love everyday not just every month or every year.

16) do you believe that you can change someone?

--> we all have the power to change someone and inevitably, his life too. in the little

17) if you could get married anywhere, money's not an object, where would it be?

--> in netherlands. or in south africa. same-sex marriage is legal there.

18) do you have feelings for someone right now?

--> yes. feelings for two people actually...quite complicated set-up in my heart if you ask me.

19) have you ever wished you could have someone but you couldnt?

-->i try not to think about those type of things to much. it just gets me

20) have you ever broken a heart?

--> i have, and it pains me to realize that the heart i broke belongs to man i want to spend the rest of my life with.

21) would you ever fight somebody over your significant other?

--> yes, i would. to fight for love would be the best conquest ever.

22) what would you say about your last girl/boyfriend?

--> he's one the best people i know, a good conversationalist, artist, son, and brother.

23) would you marry any of your ex's if they ask?

--> ...i would, even if he doesn't ask me to.

24) what was the worst thing you did to get back at an ex?

--> ewan ko ba, i still hate my first ex about the way he ended our relationship yet i can't bring myself to birth a revenge scheme. but, yes, there are days that i wish i could just punch him in the face or tummy, just to alleviate this feeling. but other than wishful thinking, i don't enjoy the thought of revenge.

i must admit that i had fun answering every question, although there were some that i wish i didn't have to answer..it took me some time, but i answered it wit all honesty and as fast as i could para di ko na masyadong pag-isipan.

..my own mr. darcy...

2006-11-26T08:19:00.000-08:00

i just remembered spending four hours of my precious early morning hours 2 weeks ago, with Darlene, watching Bridget Jones' Diary 1 and 2. I am amazed how the story eveolves on something so beuatiful yet simple..

and yes, i want my own mr.darcy...

...sleep star boy...sleep.

2006-11-25T12:30:00.000-08:00

Just finished reading Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli, a simple yet poignant book about being who you are, fitting in, the sacrifice/compromise in between and loving...I must admit that it was quite a read, with the refreshing story about a boy loving a girl who was a different crowd all by herself.

Most of the time, I feel like Stargirl Carraway, different and annoyingly amusing with her out of this world antics and freakishly beautiful habits. And at one time in my life, I remember loving a boy who didn't think I was worth everything in his world, and so I was treated as an invisible entity and he moved on and left. Sad as it may seem, that is very much a part of my not-so-distant past yet, like Stargirl's story, it left a stab in my mind and heart. Like Leo (Stargirl Carraway's love interest), sometimes I wonder what if I did the things in the right manner and never undervalued people who loved me, would things have turned out much better than it is now?

After two ex-boyfriends and being in a long-distance relationship, I still ponder on how things would've been if all was really fair in love...as they say.

...on the next episode of Lost...

2006-11-16T10:16:00.000-08:00

...spent yesterday evening with johnny, jr, philip and dianne at Mall of Asia, celebrated day's 21'st birthday by seeing a james bond movie. I had a choreography session with students from UERM for their Mr. and Ms. nursing that's slated on the 24th of november...

...just finished a meeting this afternoon about a project for a baranggay in marikina bout an interpretative dance contest. ho hum...

...looks like my planner is getting quite filled to the brim...cheers to all of these projects, i just hope that i'll still have time for school and the beloved..

...ho hum..

"I have no armour left. You've stripped it from me.

Whatever is left of me - whatever I am - I'm yours."

---james bond

..sa isang saglit...

2006-11-07T07:35:00.000-08:00

...my body is so sore from rehearsing yesterday for the new piece, being choreographed by Erwin Flores. lifting philip so many times has rendered my arms useless for the moment, can't even have fun with myself....

...heehee...

...but i'm still looking forward to my collaboration with stephen on my solo, set to lani misalucha's haunting rendition of tuliro, at nawa'y mabigyan ko ng hustisya ang kanta...

...tuliro, tuliro, tuliro...
parang may kumislap sa mata ko
at nagsumayaw ang mga anghel sa aking likuran...
kay bilis namang...
......mabaliw...............................

...the boy ain't sad no more..

2006-11-03T09:50:00.000-08:00

I have learnt so much today...in many areas of my life. I must say that this relationship between me and arvin isn't really the easiest thing in the world. There are days that I feel left out and alone. Somehow I'm learning that WE is a developmental process, an ongoing step-by-step revelation and discovery.

I can't promise that I won't feel sad everytime he doesn't text back but I guess I've learnt that patience is a virtue when you're in a long distance relationship.

...heehee...

On another note, I was part of the three stylists that we're interviewed by ABC-5 for a Loren Legarda show. We were all asked to pick pieces from an ukay ukay and explain our choice. Somehow, the experience was very much interesting for me as I am an ukay ukay addict, with 90 percent of my clothes coming from ukay. I felt good imparting styling tips regarding choosing pieces and on ukay background...

By the way, the episode will be airing on November 17, at 10pm sa channel 5...Hope you guys get to watch it...

p.s ( mahal na mahal kita boy tanggero... :)

...on the third season of Lost..

2006-11-02T06:48:00.000-08:00

I guess I just couldn't help it, yes, I dated myself again last night. Happened to see CAKE, starring Heather Graham and a cute guy, in a movie about a free-spirited girl who takes on the job of managing a bridal magazine. I happened to see some PETA friends who also saw the movie. Somehow, the movie fell under the category of a "feel good' movie but am still puzzled how it made me more sad despite the rather light and optimistic ending.

I just can't get my mom's question off my mind...as she asked me this morning if Arvin does reciprocate everything that I give or exert enough effort to make me feel something. I answered a resounding and confident "Yes", even though I knew I was lying". Deep inside my mind i knew that it wasn't the truth. I'm quite to admit that this relationship of ours hasn't really been easy for the both of us. There are days which I really feel lost despite the assurance and trust we give each other. I can't just seem to not feel bad every now and then that He doesn't even drop into my consciousness every now and then...

Piso lang ang text, I try to tell myself.

The ceiling must get tired of listening to my thoughts at night. I'm hesitant of letting this go without getting to the bottom of this, I have this feeling that I might regret all of this very soon. I love Arvin but somehow it's also painful that you're committed to someone yet you feel alone in the middle of the night. I still am looking forward to spending christmas and new year with him, wherever it may be. And yes, Mama has already agreed, I just need to tell Papa.But I know it won't be hard. I just hope I can still hang on and not break into a million pieces before that day comes. I'm just a little confused on what to do or what to think right now, because normally I know what to do in these situations. But i guess I'm so so lost. fucking lost and aching...Do I stay and be faithful, patient and understanding or just pack this relationship and sail another day?...

ho hum.

I just wish I knew what to do at times like this. "Why can't I just bake my cake and eat it too?", I ask myself.

the day breaks, my heart aches...

p.s ( i just feel like crying right now, and it would feel cinematic up to some point in this internet cafe amidst shouting teeny bopper gamers and people surfing porn, but i guess the tears can wait 'til later..)

..down and out..

2006-10-27T10:25:00.000-07:00

i am so sick with a fever and sniffles in my system...

ho hum..ito na yung sinasabi ni arvin at mama..lagot

p.s (always listen to your mom and partner.)

...so long sleepyhead..

2006-10-25T01:17:00.000-07:00

I am a walking zombie today. Slept on the office floor to alleviate the lack of sleep on my part since I had to finish a bag for my Special Merchandising class. I know this isn't the best day, I've still got rehearsals for the December show at 6pm sa Bambang. Antok na antok na ako, sobra...

Just finished a photoshoot for BLip Magazine last monday and it was quite interesting, having all of those interesting people in one room and making their faces and having them pose for the camera...heehee.. Syempre nagpaka- cam whore na naman kami ni Joanah..

Yun na muna...bangag pa ang bakla..

...madaling araw ng lunes...

2006-10-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

nakatitig ako sa computer, pinapakinggan ang tikatik ng mga daliri ko sa keyboard ng lumang computer namin, nagiisip kung anu nga bang pwde kong ibahagi tungkol sa araw na ito.

nagturo ng cotillion...nagresearch ng thai and korean costumes sa net...nanuod ng sine...enjoyed PULSE...although medjo natakot ako dahil nung una ay ako pa lang ang bumili ng ticket, so i kinda imagined myself being all alone inside the theater tapos horror yung pinanuod ko. buti na lang may bumili na lima pang tao...naaliw naman ako kahit papano dahil nakapanuod ako ng sine dahil medjo nakaraket ng onti...looking forward to finishing the don_Q liquidation for peta by tomorrow...meeting with joanah for BliP...going to Divi for tela and patahi...

mahaba pa ang araw.

pagod na naman ang bakla.

pakshet.

...lonely friday night, all the stars came down..

2006-10-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

I am not entirely surprised that I'm home at 10pm during a friday evening. Just walked in, from a rather lost day. I woke up late for my marketing class and just had enough time to get my Fotogra class pictures developed before I went to PETA.

ho hum.

I must admit that there are these type of days that seem to pass you by. Lately, I've been having such a hard time with this current financial destabilization on my part due to the decrease of my projects right now. I don't really have any big account right now, just a string of minor projects here and there and I'm still up to neck in small debts due to my inability to be financially organized and properly manage my time.

ho hum.

But even if I'm kinda poor right now, I must say that I am happy.. so so happy.

diyosa signing out..

p.s (just want to share with you, my new calling card design for my up and coming label, PANAGINIP, for my made to order bridal wear and anything you can actually think of, pati costumes, make-up, and styling Kulang na lang pati Tocino ibenta ko, heehee..di pa naman ako desperado.)

front

and back

p.s ng p.s (psst..if you have any friends who want some clothes done, especially the soon to be brides, kindly pass my number naman..heehee.. a public service announcement from santi..)

...wasted...

2006-10-08T09:34:00.000-07:00

There are days which your head feels like it was made of stone, feel like you've puked out all of your insides and wish you didn't do all of the things you did last night even those which you don't remember. Thank God I'm almost okay now if you discount the fact that my head still feels a bit woozy after a day of sleeping it off.

Johnny, Day, Ruth and I went to Avs' birthday last night at Bed Space bar located in Greenbelt 2. We were actually there to just have a few drinks, celebrate with Avs and Shing then go home with our minds in the proper place. We arrived early and couldn't find anyone we knew, so we all headed to Mcdonald's beside Greenbelt One to get dinner before we drank some liquor. Unfortunately, we got back late in time for open bar. Avs then propped a bottle of Cuervo tequila on our table and we all just stared at it and then smiled. There were only four of us taking turn on that one botle and we managed to down the Cuervo in about an hour. We were all woozy and giggly after the first bottle, then Shing arrived and a 2nd bottle was then placed on our table, courtesy of Avs' friend. Half-way into the second bottle, all of us were having a hard time going to the cr without stumbling over and making a fool of ourselves.

Around 1:30pm, all of us decided to drop by Mcdonald's to get some coffee since all of us were quite broke that day so some cheap coffee was the deal to combat an escalating hangover. Ruth was finding it hard to walk already so I escorted her from Bed Space to Mcdo, even remembered seeing Will Devaughn of the McRice burger commercial along the way. Thank God, I didn't trip or make a fool of myself. heehee. Ruth was already incoherent when we arrived at Mcdonald's. I was still a bit okay, so I went to the counter and ordered some coffees and a cheeseburger meal for Johnny and went back to out table. The alcohol certainly made all of us three notches noisier than everybody else, maybe that's why a waiter was already stationed near us, in case we'd wreak havoc or something. Ruth was so wasted that she even dipped her hair accidentally when she rested her head on the table. After 30 minutes, we then decided to head back to Day's place and rest, so Johnny and Day got the car and I was left with Ruth and Shing and waited outside of Mcdo. We then bid Shing goodbye as we sped off back to Libertad. Nothing exciting really happened on the way way home, besides a puke-fest. Unfortunately, Ruth wasn't able to hold it in before we got home, I'm just glad I got most of it inside the plastic bag...

Arriving at Day's place, I carried Ruth inside and cleaned her up a bit, then helped Johnny clean up the car. Somehow, I felt my own puke-fest escalating inside me, and didn't want to sleep knowing that I didn't feel well. For everyone who's reading this I do hope you don't try what I did. Since I wasn't planning on waking up with puke all over me in bed, I induced my own puke-fest by reaching down my throat and letting it all go in the CR. Bulemia alert, you must think...heehee...Then I changed my clothes and headed to lalalalalala land...

Waking up, I saw Ruth sitting on the bed and not looking good. It turns out that she's had about 5-6 more puke-fest moments when she woke up. Then I realize I have this minor headache hanging at the back of my head, thank God it's a not a major head splitting one. Slept through most of the day and was only pressured by Day to get up at around 7pm because I had to accompany her to get her laundry. Ruth left somewhere around lunchtime, and I didn't notice that much. Too bad I wasn't able to say goodbye.

Just got home about two to three hours ago, and am looking forward to more sleep after typing this. I apologize for everyone out there who's having their lunch or planning to eat after this. I just couldn't contain my self to not write about this experience, since the last time I got drunk was about 7-8 months ago and wasn't as horrific as this one. All I can say is that I will never drink that much again, or if ever I'm going to drink again it'll be in the confines of my home or a friend's house...never in public. I must say that I am amazed at Johnny, for being so good at holding his alcohol and being in the right mind to still drive us home safely. Thank God I'm alive to be able to write this, I think to myself.

I regret to not being able to return Arvin's texts today nor call him due to two things; One, my pending poverty and Two, I was so wasted today and I didn't want him to hear how wasted I was.

ho hum...

I will never drink that much tequila again...I will never drink that much tequila again...I will never drink that much tequila again...I will never drink that much tequila again...I will never drink that much tequila again...I will never drink that much tequila again...I will never drink that much tequila again...I will never drink that much tequila again...I will never drink that much tequila again...

I tell myself, over and over again..

p.s (I miss you June Arvin Gudoy...so so much..)

...the day breaks, my soul aches...

2006-10-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

...I keep on wishing that the next supposed typhoon doesn't hit this part of the world, or that it just disappears like magic like my first ex-boyfriend. Seems like that this is one of those days that don't really seem like anything happened, even though I've spent the whole afternoon choreographing for a friend and picked up my portable sewing machine and some costumes for repair. Thank God, Ces came with me to PETA...

Kakatapos ko lang maghugas ng pinggan kanina, at kahit papano ay sumaya ako. Ewan ko ba kung anong hiwaga ang mayroon sa paghuhugas ng pinggan at madalas kong hinahanap ang gawaing bahay na yun. I know it sounds kinda weird but washing dishes has always been my favorite chore. Almost everyone I know would rather pick sweeping the floor or wiping table tops, rather than wet their hands and scrub away all of the grime, oil and bits of food on utensils. Somehow, I always see dishwashing as a catharsis; a chance to think of the things that have been bothering me and just ponder on them. May prosesong pinagdadaanan, may paglilinis na nagaganap, at sa dulo'y may kasagutan at malinis na pinggan.

Ho hum...so much about dishwashing and the remains of my day.

Here's me looking forward to finishing all of the costumes for Don_Q before I leave for school later...

the goddess logs off for now..

...after the rain..

2006-09-30T10:15:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd be alive to write this entry, after everything that has happened this month. The pictorials, wedding, Metrobank event and the unexpected typhoon that gave us a glimpse of what life was during the cave man years. I must admit that I was very much scared that life as we know it will never go back to the way it is, with the eternal brownout, despicable heat and loss of telecommunication possibilities.

damn milenyo...

I've actually realized three things during this tumultuous time...

Masarap maligo ng walang ilaw kundi mga kandila lang, with Sarah Mclachlan singing in the background and may neutrogena foam all around.
Masarap mahiga sa kama at matulog ng higit sa 8 oras, tulad ng maraming tao at magpahinga tulad ng normal na tao.
Namimiss ko na si Arvin...( and I wish that we were together during the typhoon, when i realized the first two points)...ho hum...pakshet.
To cap it all off, I'm really glad that everything's almost okay now. I still have headaches concerning Peta's Don_Q but it's still liveable compared to what I've been through and what waits in the wings of my life
...heehee..

..defying gravity...

2006-09-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been extremely interesting as I have finished attending to the production design for the Metrobank Art Awards and the Tabanao-Gonzales wedding. The dresses we're well received and I think I have additional clients due to the good review of the entourage garments plus I've got new friends (Ate Tinnie and Miss May). Pictures of the wedding are available, just click HERE. It seems that great artistic achievements demand less sleep on the part of the artist, I think to myself. But I am very much thankful that those two events are off my list now, and that I'm on my way to birthing the costumes for Don_Q for the PETA critique night which will happen on the 25th kaya medjo tense ako until I've delivered the last piece of costume for this play. And I must admit that I'm not extremely happy about the fact that my name wasn't included on the poster, but I'm not really extremely bothered either. I just think to myself that it isn't my name on the poster that'll define my work but the magic that I weave on stage when the play begins. My work as a costume designer will be very important as I will birth their avatars, their cyber looks.

No use in crying over the absence of my name on a poster, I guess.

Work aside, I must say that the past few days have been happy for me as Arvin and I have been mending the remains of the confusion that settled in during my Vigan trip. With the toxicity in the work area remaining extremely high, I am thankful that He is with me, though still not literally. I still wish that Laoag was 2 jeeps or a train ride away, and not 12 hours of bus ride. And yes, I am really looking forward to going there when Don_Q wraps up. Everyone's saying that this might just be the person that was worth the wait. I am reminded by a text sent by a good friend.

"Someday, someone will come into your life and make you realize why it never really worked out with anybody else..."

I suddenly smile at the thought and think to myself that Arvin might just be that person. I'm crossing my fingers and clicking my heels thrice just for luck. My past relationships have taught me that slow and sure is the way to go, that is why I am trying my best not to be an impulse freak but rather a mature gay citizen and be responisible when it comes to loving. I wouldn't want to be hurt again just because I was rash or impatient. Somehow, him being in a far away place and me with multiple jobs is form of test. A test of patience and ingenuity. I must admit that having a long distance relationship isn't the easiest thing in the world, nor is having multiple and overlapping projects that require utmost focus and effort.

Amidst the emotions and stress that comes with building a career and graduating from college, I find that I can say proudly that I have an interesting life.

Salamat po, God...

..ayayatenka...

2006-09-12T22:09:00.000-07:00

... Baby, I am no longer lost...

and I remain yours...

...crying like a church on a monday...

2006-09-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm here staring at my computer and just got back yesterday from our trip to Vigan. Somehow, the trip didn't turn out as well as i planned. Much to my dismay, I did not have the chance to meet Mr. Ilocos Norte or have some semblance of a relationship as I have predicted before I packed my things for the long and uneventful 12 hour trip.

I guess the quote serves true, "You can't always bake your cake and eat it too."..So much for wishful thinking and hoping for the best.

The trip has given me good memories of radiant sunshine hitting the historic pavement of Colonial houses, star-laden skies and silver lined beaches..but sadly, the Vigan trip has given me so much confusion that I did not expect. I feel kinda lost in the confines of my own skin.

Maybe I weaved my stories too soon...

p.s (I'm just thankful there's so much work to distract me most of the time this month. Maybe I should heed the heavens..)

ho hum.

..government announcement #259

2006-09-05T13:31:00.000-07:00

3 cities you’ve lived in
-- quezon city (mula noon, hanggang ngayon..i love cubao)
-- manila (heehee..freshman ako nun.)
-- los baños (apat na taon ng hayskul..)

3 malls you usually go to
-- gateway (or should i say GAYWAY)
-- alimall (tatlong kembot lang ang layo)
-- robinson malate (hay, memories)...

3 of your favorite places to eat
-- Hap Chang (malate branch..panalo!)
-- tokyo tokyo (pampamilya at date na rin)
-- Tapsihan dito sa amin...

3 schools you’ve attended
-- Diliman Prep. School
-- Philippine High School for the Arts
-- DLS- College of Saint Benilde

3 favorite foods
-- siomai ( go Hap Chang japanese siomai!)
-- french fries ng mcdo
-- tofu ng hapchang..

3 favorite drinks
-- COKE (kailangan pa bang imemorize yan?)
--Pepsi X
--Orange juice na malamig

3 things you’ve done today
-- Nagmeet ni Alab para sa stage design ng Metrobank Art awards.
-- Nagpunta ng Divi at namili ng tela.
-- Went to rehearsals...

3 things found in your wallet
-- csb ID ko
-- SM Advantage card
-- barya at calling cards...

3 last persons you saw
-- Si Mama ( na pumasok na sa opisina)
-- Si Step (na lumarga na rin)
-- Si Nanay ( lola ko, na lumarga na rin, ngayon ngayon lang..)

3 things you usually buy
-- Art Supplies (di ko kasi alam kung san napupunta)
-- Tela (kailangan ko kasi kumita..)
-- Load (para matawagan si Mr. Ilocos Norte)

3 persons you always text
-- Si Arvin (Mr. Ilocos Norte)
-- Si Day (sister Goddess)
-- Si Isab (sisterette)

3 things found in your bag
ang dakilang Clear book na naglalaman ng buhay trabaho ko, mga papeles, at measuring tape
charger (ang bilis kasi maubos ng battery ko)
-- toiletries (deodorant, toothpaste and pabango)

3 favorite colors
Black
-- Green
White (pakshet, very benildean ang mga kulay...)

3 favorite parts of your house
-- my bed
-- my bed
-- and yes, did i mention my bed...

3 things you're planning to buy
-- oras para sa lovelife
-- a vacation for myself and longer time to enjoy mr. Ilocos Norte's company
-- a high speed sewing machine, edger, and a cutting table...para sa lumalaking kabuhayan...

3 things you're thinking of right now
-- My Life right now.
-- My sked for today
-- and meeting Arvin finally..

lastly..

3 Movies of all time...
---Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (panalo ang paglimot...)
---In the Mood for Love (I will always love Asian films)
... and last but not the least or most favorite...
---Sweet November ( i can still remember how I cried...)

p.s ( i should be going back to work now but am extremely bored..pardon my survey..)

...toxic...

2006-09-01T11:06:00.000-07:00

Just finished with the finals and am regretfully saying that I flunked Fashion Trends with Malu Savet, not because I'm a pathetic excuse for a fashion student but because I couldn't get up on wednesday mornings and get to her 9-12nn class. I wish I was really good with being punctual. Wish lang naman.

I must admit that there many changes that have set in my life since the mr. Ilocos Norte entry. A string of other events have come in fresh from the organizers, and so I guess this is a good time to map out my schedule for September, for all you guys to see.

Vigan Performance- Sept 7, 8, 9

Fitting for Tabanao-Gonzales wedding- 10

Preparation for Metrobank Art awards- 11, 12, 13, 14

Metrobank Art awards- 15

Makiling Ensemble pictorial- 17

Tabanao-Gonzales wedding- 17

PETA night for Don Quixote- 23

Official Opening of Don Quixote- 29

I just hope that I do live long enough to get to October. Ho hum...

On another note, I am getting quite tense about our trip to Vigan as I will be meeting Arvin (Mr. Ilocos Norte) for the first time. I must admit that the late night talks with him have given me enough background on who he is as a person. Somehow I think that this might be the start of some thing beautiful. For everyone out there who haven't got a clue on who I'm talking about. Arvin is a 21 year old college professor teaching english whom I met in www.guys4men.com and am talking to right now. He adores Pablo Neruda and can easily rival my senti poetic musings on text. He makes me happy, kahit na toxic at pamatay ang mga araw ko. And the only catch or snag in our story is the reality that he lives in Laoag, which is about 10-12 hours from Manila. But I'm still thankful that my love interest doesn't live as far as Dubai, that would simply be sheer torture. Tulad na lang ng nararamdaman ng isa kong bestfriend sa kanyang minamahal.. Ho hum..

Just helped two of my friends get dressed for awards night they were attending, Ate Cats for Aliw awards and Ate Liza for the Palanca. I helped Ate Cats pick shoes and a dress and did her make up and hair then I made a rockstar chick skirt for Ate Liza. Kakapagod maging stylist at designer , pramis...

Well, that's all for now I'll be sharing some insights next entry on my learnings as I've come across my first ex's blog and multiply site and the recent developments in my love life and career..

Here's me looking forward to having a hand to hold soon and graduating na rin...amidst my toxic life..

***happy***happy***joy***joy

......................................ho hum.......................

...waiting on heaven...

2006-08-24T11:19:00.000-07:00

...i would just like to say that a certain boy from ilocos norte makes me happy...

...and somehow, the days don't seem so empty anymore...

...oraciones para sa pumanaw na pag-ibig...

2006-08-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

BEE
(for Red)
by dianne may torres

you're like a bee
dripping honey
never faithful
to a single flower.

perhaps you
thought
the rose
superior to the aster?

you take so lightly
the heart's matter.

(curse you forever.)

orpheus descending
(para kay Thor)

ni santi obcena

nagbabaga ang impyernong
'yong kinasasadlakan
maingay
mainit
mapanlinlang
at punong-puno
ng dahas at pait

bumalik sa alaala
isang saglit
na hinagkan
mo ako
sa pagitan ng
apoy at ng walang
katapusang panahon

at inakalang
walang hanggan na
ang
yapos na iyon

ngayo'y
karay sa aking panaginip ang
isang himig
na 'di mabura-bura

kailan kaya
muling maririnig ang iyong
kanta?

malamang ay hindi na.

...holding back on a saturday morning...

2006-08-18T11:35:00.000-07:00

...The computers all around me, purr like kittens being stroked at 3am. I'm just lucky to find this joint open, since I'm trying to kill time. I wish it's 5am already so I can proceed with my life. I haven't been myself these past few days, all I've accomplished are tasks and activities on my list and calendar. Sleeping ain't an option for now since I might wake up at lunch time and face hell.

There are nights where i stare at my peeling ceiling and wonder where my life is going. I'm a strong person, that's what they all say. I can overcome everything I'm going thru no matter what. But sometimes I wonder at what point do I break. At kung may super powers kaya ako...

sants: kahapon ko pa gustong maiyak,...

pilip: ok lang malupit ka naman eh

In about two hours, i'll be having my haircut then prepare for a long day. Pick-up a dress and deliver it to Las piñas. From there, proceed to divi, close a deal and buy cloth. Run to CCP for rehearsals and a show at 9:30pm.

Kahapon ko pa gustong maiyak...

.................................................pero sadyang walang oras.

...rainy days and saturdays always get me down...

2006-08-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

....breathe in....

...After getting lost in Fort Bonifacio, walking about 6 wide blocks, and getting drenched in cold rain, I must say that this has been an interesting day for me. I guess not everyone has the opportunity to experience things like those. And so I say, I am truly blessed. No sarcasm, mind you. I am just thankful to have had a trip down memory lane and saw the sculpture of Mr. Gerry Leonard (a visual arts instructor at makiling) when I was lost. the piece made me reminiscent, since we performed in front of it, at its unveiling 7 years ago when I was still in 2nd year high school.

...Just a little bit pissed that a client of mine was haggling to lower my quotation for the clothes for her wedding entourage, putting much stress on the fact that she was cheated on by a friend, leaving her P300, 000 poorer. Yes, I am a very kind person and I do understand her situation and sympathize with her but I know I give one of the lowest designer wedding entourage packages and repeating the fact that she was swindled was simply unethical. I know I'm not that good with putting a price on my talent,. but I sure do know when I'm being cheated on. Ho hum...Rarely do I rant like this regarding money matters, payments and honorariums but I'm actually saddened by the fact that many people neglect the fact that designers work hard to give you a design concept sewn and created for your use and flaunting. Some of them think we just lay dresses out of our butts or just puke it out. Designers sit down with you and think of interesting garment concepts, go to suppliers, coordinate with beaders and sewers, take your measurements, deliver clothes, make sure that your dress fits you. And sometimes they sew your gown personally and embellish it. All of these are the things that a designer does, just to make sure that it looks good on you. So, the next time you want to lower an already low quotation for your dress, try thinking about making it yourself or better yet, just make it yourself cheapskates. Just so you get the feeling.

Ho hum...

Pardon the bitch talking. It's been a rough day, and cutting people some slack is something I do everyday and ranting isn't, so for now....I rant.

...breathe out...

p.s ( On another note, I'll be presenting my design concepts for PETA's Don_Q on monday, meeting for another client's wedding and preparing for the Makiling Ensemble pictorial that's happening very soon...)

p.s ng p.s ( Just a little bit sad that someone didn't want to see me today, even though we were in the same vicinity. Call me petty, but I guess it just makes me think that I shouldn't have put the idea inside your head and pop those questions the other night on Ym. ho hum...In the words of Travis, "Why does it always rain on me?" )

p.s ng p.s ng p.s ( Trust me I don't have an idea whatsoever.)

...linking my life to the web...

2006-08-11T03:23:00.000-07:00

...I just want all of you to know that I've got the Mindanao pics up on my multiply account and some on my photo blog... here are the links for those...plus my deviantart account..

my multiply account... http://leakingdreams.multiply.com

my deviant art account... http://leakingdreams.deviantart.com

my photoblog... http://themusingsofawallflower.blogspot.com

just thought you might have some idle time on our hands.

and if you're wondering how my life is, I'm quite okay, just lacking a bit sleep but I am okay..trust me.

p.s(nakakaadik mag-upload ng pics at magcheck ng comments and messages.)

...changing gears...

2006-08-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

...I must admit that this has been a roller-coaster-ride kind of a day, and there are so many questions left unanswered that seem to burn in my mind. And I guess seeing your first ex and Ym chatting with your second ex all in one day is a crazy thing altogether, an occurence that certainly makes you want to down ten aspirins just to make the throbbing go away. But headache aside, I certainly learned so much, and relived regrets I still have tucked in a corner of my mind. Maybe this life was meant to be miserable for me, no self pity included just a realization altogether. Or a payment for bad karma I've accumulated in my past life/lives...

...I guess God still thinks it's not the right time for a relationship or to resolve unanswered question, as I am bombarded by numerous projects that seem to pop out of nowhere. Maybe it's time to change gears and put Career on the front seat and let Love take the back seat or glove compartment for the meantime, just to help me approach my life more efficiently and in a more orderly manner. Ho hum...

...Work, work, work.... :(

..silence, solitude and other demons...

2006-07-31T10:04:00.000-07:00

"Really great men must experience great sadness in the world." -Raskolnikov, from Fyodor Dostoevsky's novel, "Crime and Punishment"

Coming home from a movie at Gateway, I find myself tired and currently staring at my blank screen. Not sure whether I'd rather write a poem, an entry or do some work that's been waiting for me for the past two weeks. Well, my first wedding is now officially finished and with it I am now left to finish another set of new projects. By the way, the dresses were nice and very well received, and that certainly made all of the early morning beading sessions worth the stress and torture. I wasn't able to atend the service since I had to go home from the hotel, but I made sure that I dropped by in time for the reception to show some loving. I'm happy to be a part of a realizing a couple's lifelong dream.

Ho hum...kainggit.

Just wanted all of you guys to know that I'll be doing one wedding in September and costume design for PETA's Don_Q...(a play based on Don Quixote)...The very thought of doing costume design again just makes me so excited and panicky, looks like this is the start of two stressful months into the future.

The Mindanao trip has given me so much good memories that I actually miss just being my age and enjoy the sun on my naked skin. But what I miss the most is the blanket of stars as I lay on the beach and feeling the water washing away the sand with my fears and tension.

I guess I'm going back to my old habit of watching last full shows at Gateway, out of sheer loneliness or boredom. I think that having personal time again is good, I've been craving for eat outs and movies for the longest time, but haven't really had the time because of the wedding preparations. That's why I'll accept any invitations for an eat out or movie anytime...hehe...

Amidst the numerous things that I'm currently doing, I still find my self walking alone from CCP contemplating my life or staring at the ceiling at 3am not really sure if I'm happy or not. I guess Dostoevsky was right, although I'm not really great yet. and sometimes I really do think that I'd rather exchange all of this supposed greatness and talent for companionship and happiness.

Ho hum.

Here's me signing off for the moment and catching some shut eye, since I haven't fully recovered from the wedding stress..I hope to post pictures very soon...

p.s ( for any of my friends who's up for dinner and a movie, here's my number...09212609595...)

ang A to Z ng buhay ko.....................(galing kay tophe)

2006-07-24T11:25:00.000-07:00

A - Age you first believed in love?

//> nung 21 ako...feb 18, 2005

B - Band listening to right now?

//> Makiling Ensemble, Sugarfree, Dave Matthews Band, Coldplay, at Keane...

C - Dream Car

//> Ford Expedition

D - Dad's name?

//> Arturo aka Cesar

E - Easiest person to make u laugh?

//> Si Angelo Manzano..classmate ko nung hayskul.

F - Food you miss most?

//> Paksiw na bangus ni Manang Paring, yung yaya ko dati. Di na kasi siya dito nakatira sa amin.

G - Any encounters with ghosts?

//> Madalas, malakas kasi ang pakiramdam ko sa mga mumu at forces..

H - Who is in your heart right now?

/>>Old loves and new crushes......

I- Interesting unknown fact about you?

//> Nagkaron ako ng girlfriend nung grade 4 ako..

J - just tell me who's the last person who brokeyour heart?

//> WEll, secret na malupet..Okay na ako kaya not worth mentioning na. Nananahimik na siya eh.

K - Kissing with eyes open or closed?

//>Nakapikit..dahil it's rude to stare. Although minsan sumisilip ako.

L - Last time you did fight?

//> Medjo matagal na.I don't really fight with anyone unless it's called for.

M - Most memorable moment you can think of in a minute?

//> The beaches of Gen San..sparkling waters and calm horizon...

N - Nicknames?

//>Santi, sants, balong, kajo, babyboy, be, chrysanthemum dumalo, niknok, kot, diyosa, diyosanti..ganda...yung balong ay nanay at tatay ko lang at yaya ko ang pwedeng tumawag nun sa akin. yung baby boy at be ay yung dalwang ex ko lang ang pwede. yung Kot, si dianne lang..yung diyosa, para sa studyante ko lang...heehee...kanya kanya sila ng tawag sa akin...

O - Open Up! What's your most valuedpossession?

//> My time, because I do not have much of it for myself. That is why I am very careful to whom I give my time to, because Time is also synonymous to LOVE.

P - Place you are right now

//> sa terrace ng bhay.

Q - Quote you heard for the last two minutes?

//> Forget regret, or life is yours to miss...- Rent

R - Remember the last time you cried?

//> Yupyup...medjo magdadalwang buwan na ..

S - Song you sang last?

//> Comfort in your Strangeness -Cynthia Alexander

T - Time you woke up?

//> mga ten am kanina kaso natulog uli ako, tapos 3pm na ang gisingan portion

U - Use love in a sentence.

//> Love me, that's all I ask of you...-Phantom of the Opera

V - Vegetable you hate most?

// wala. mahilig ako sa gulay.Our mom raised us to love vegetables, as in lahat..pati okra, ampalaya, at toge..

W - What are you most afraid of?

//> bad decisions...and uncertainty..pwede na rin yung ahas, daga at ipis

X - X-rated love life?

//> hmmm. dati oo, ngayon ang love life ko parang disney cartoon....very wholesome.

Y - Year you were born?

//> 1984

Z - Zodiac sign?

//> Aquarius na pasaway...

p.s (bored ako at walang magawa at 2:30 am...pasensya na trip trip lang)

...isang survey para sa nababagot...

2006-07-23T10:31:00.000-07:00

Current..

Current Taste: Relaxed casual masculine look.
Current Clothes: My mom's Brokeback checkered polo and fave jeans
Current Desktop: a graphic image of someone falling into vines
Current Toenail Color: au naturelle
Current Time: 1:30 am
Current Surroundings: harsh white light from the lamp, and updharma down on the media player...
Current Annoyances: being single and hectic schedules.
Current Thoughts: "I need to finish the clothes for the wedding"..

First...

First Best Friends: Dianne, Step, and Tones...
First Crush: erwin sumang (?)
First Movie: Petrang Kabayo, Halimaw sa Banga, atbp..
First Lie: "'Di ko crush yun ah." hahaha.
First Music: Spice Girls...

Lasts...
Last Cigarette: While dancing "Death fo the Dancer" in cotabato.
Last Drink: Pepsi X near sam's house.
Last Car Ride: thursday evening, sa car ni ate san san...
Last Crush: sam prudenciado, airdance apprentice...
Last Movie: Lady in the Water
Last Phone Call: incoming call from my Lola.
Last CD played: UpDharmaDown-unfragmented
Last song played: Heavy by holly brook

Have you ever...
Have you ever dated one of your best friend: eeeeww..di pa naman..
Have you ever broken the law: YES...
Have you ever been arrested:NO, luckily...
Have you ever skinny-dipped: Di pa naman, nakakahiya ever.
Have you ever been on TV: Yes, accidentally...
Have you ever kissed someone you don't know: I really wish....

5 things you are wearing:
checkered polo, nice jeans, ruby ring, silver necklace and black undies...

4 things you did today:
sewn beads on a dress, watched a play, went on a date, answered a survey...

3 things you would like to hear right now:
"Walang pasok ng buong linggo!"
"I love you too, and I'd like to be in a relationship with you!"
"You just won 100 million sa lotto!"

2 people you fantasize about
Dennis Trillo
and John Mullaly

1 thing u do when you're bored:
sleep...or magbasa ng book...

...i'm back...!

2006-07-20T09:04:00.000-07:00

...just got back from the davao-gen san- south cotabato trip we had for the 5th Mindanao National Modern Dance Competition. And daming masasayang tagpo at pangyayaring naganap sa loob ng ilang araw. Medjo kararating ko pa lang kahapon, via Air Philippines from Davao, kaya medjo bangag pa ako ng sobra sa mga pangyayari....heehee..

I'll update you guys on the everything as soon as the other dancers get back here in manila, since they brought along their cameras and took snapshots along the trip. I'd want to tell my story along with visual aids. Heehee...I'm okay and back in one piece. I've had so many realizations on this 5 day-trip. And many of the misplaced thoughts in my head have found answers or alternate solutions. The trip made me realize what I was missing when I stopped dancing. Ho hum. There still are opportunities along the way for me to dance.

I'll post my mindanao entry as soon as i get hold of the pictures. I promise....

Padayon.

p.s ( I got the call from PETA, and they want me to do costumes for Don Quixote, which will be done about two to three months from now. I am so excited to be working with Chris Millado (direction) and Leo Abaya once again for stage design...quiggles quiggles...wish me luck...)

...amnesia...

2006-07-13T08:59:00.001-07:00

(para kay shirley temple)

walking home
one realizes the moment
at hand
second upon second
ceasing to exist
with no memory of you
whatsoever

even the sky
does not remember the sound
of your name upon my lips
nor do the walls
recognize
your hand caressing my hair
while i sleep

i have tried bribing the
ceiling
into divulging into my ear
how we entwined on the bed
and wove love into
a blanket
for all our fears

but it seems the days have
grown into weeks
weeks into months
and
months trickling to more than a year
of longing and despair
trying to find answers that were
never really there
to begin with

father time seems to
have conspired with sister memory
one recollection dissolving for every second
that passes under our breath

tell me
how our story goes

and where it ended.

...what i want to be when i grow up...

2006-07-10T10:19:00.000-07:00

"Great people are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great..." - Mark Twain

The past few days have been more toxic as so many things are drawing nearer and nearer, and I feel they're ganging up on me. The National Modern Dance Competition is creeping up on me, and I still haven't practiced the contest piece whilst smoking. Woe is me, ang tanging gusto kong sabihin sa langit. hay, kung hindi ko lang kaibigan si Stephen ay matagal na akong umatras sa sayaw na ito. Una, 'di naman talaga ako naninigarilyo. Pangalawa, jologs na ako sumayaw at jologz akong magbilang kapag nagiiba ang time signature. Nampota. I know that really sounds so kantospeak, but I feel that this will be one of the very few last chances that I'll be dancing in my lifetime. I just feel that I should be concentrating on my major career which is fashion and costume design.

Secondly, the first wedding I'm doing designs for, is already just around two weeks away. Natetense ako dahil medjo aalis ako for five days and I need to fit all of the dresses para may nangyayari habang wala ako..sobrang tenseness na ako.. Pero masaya ako at kahit papano'y magiging parte ako ng pag-realize ng isang lifelong commitment between two people. Seeing them really makes me want to get married myself, and design my whole wedding entourage. Parang gusto ko na naka-thai pants ang lahat ng boys at ang mga girls ay naka-bikini and sarong. Bongga di ba? Ang kulang na lang ay ang Prince Charming ko para makumpleto ang buong celebration. But I'm not really in a hurry naman, I've realized that one can't rush love because it will happen if it's the right time.

Gusto ko lang din i-share na masaya ako't nakatulong ako sa palabas ng Makiling friends and classmates sa kanilang palabas sa Virgin Labfest sa CCP nung friday at saturday. It was fun seeing some of my batchmates and schoolmates from PHSA act again and come together to weave a story right before our eyes. It made me feel proud of my roots as an artist, to look back at all of those Makiling years of my life. Hehe. Senti moment. Pakshet, what I would give to return to any day in my four years of being up in the mountains. Ho hum.

Meeting Lotlot, accidentally, at Gloria Jeans coffee shop, a while ago made me realize that I still want to teach someday, when the opportunity presents itself. To be given the chance to mold young minds, is the second highest responsibility in the universe. For the first is to birth and raise a child. Medjo pareho rin yun, pero isipin mo yung isang buong classroom na puno ng mga batang nakatanghod sa 'yo at handang makinig sa sasabihin mo't ipapangaral.

Naisip na gusto kong maging nanay o tatay balang araw...

At magluto ng almusal sa umaga, magplantsa ng uniporme, manggising ng asawa at mga anak at kumaway habang papaalis ang school bus at kotse. Maglaba ng mga damit, at maghugas ng mga pinggan, magsampay ng mga damit sa tanghali at manuod ng teleserye after lunch. Tawagan ang assistant ko sa opisina at secretary para malaman kung okay naman ang lahat, sabay drive to an appointment. Drive back, change clothes, salubungin ang mga anak from the school bus. Maghanda ng meryenda, tumulong sa assignments at maghanda ng hapunan.

In other words, I'd like to be a housewife/househusband someday...wala lang...naisip ko lang. Looking at how my mom guided us way back then and until now, I realize that she had a blast raising all of us and looking after us. I guess, I just want to feel that too...

Ho hum.

Here's the housewife-wannabe signing off for now..heehee...

...coming home...

2006-07-08T10:11:00.000-07:00

So, won't you take me home tonight or

give me wings to fly...

...pisces balloon...

2006-07-05T02:58:00.000-07:00

pisces balloon
santi obcena

twin fishes
swimming in a pool
of uncertainty

flitting and entwined
in each other's
story

we are,
but one balloon getting
ready to burst.

..the beauty of idle time....

2006-07-03T06:34:00.000-07:00

While listening to Makiling Ensemble weave a tapestry of beautiful music, I decided to doodle amidst friends and co-artists...Here's what came out of the process..

balloon lady

won't you come to church
with me

fly me to the star nearest
to the moon
so i could peer into the face of
such a beautiful god

the stars may have all drifted away
into nothingness
but you still keep my heart
on a string
and yours still in mine

so won't you come to church
with me sometime.

tumbang preso

halika't samahan mo
ako sa ilalim ng buwan
magtakbuhan at maghiyawan
magsaya
at maging bata uli
kahit 'sang saglit lang

kumandirit at tumalon
sabay bato ng tsinelas
sa latang naghihintay na
magapi
dahil
mayamaya lang ay tatawagin
na ni Inay
at muling mangangarap na ika'y makasabay.

...the boy who always wanted to fly...

2006-07-02T01:39:00.000-07:00

Alex re-read Elizabeth Bishop's The One Art, for the nth time. Going over each line repeatedly to make sure that he understood it perfectly. The poetry printed on paper represented his life at this point, Alex thought to himself. The sad realization that he was already a master at losing things and people in his life, whether it was his decision or fate's.

He was already late for a visit, and was half-afraid and half-excited to arrive at his destination. Wondering on how this meeting would turn out, and if everything would be as He and Ysa planned. He'd visit her during rehearsals for a play, where Kevin would also be an actor in, bump into each other and hopefully strike a conversation. And maybe, just maybe, he'd be on his way to achieving the long overdue closure on their relationship. It's been more than a year since they accidentally saw each other on the MRT, after Kevin disappeared from Alex's life completely. The jeep breezed right past Makati Cinema Square, and was working it's way towards MC Home Depot. In a while, he'll be getting down and taking a tricycle that'll take him directly to Repertory Philippines. Alex was beginning to feel cold just thinking about what'll happen after that, but he wasn't about to let his fear get in the way.

This is it, he thought to himself, and finally pushed the door leading to the Rep Lounge. A cold flush of air from the aircon greeted him, along with stares from unfamiliar faces. Alex was making his way near the rehearsal hall, when Ysa walked out of the door and immediately gave him a hug. Thank God you're here!, she blurted out. It certainly took you so much time to get here, and then gave Alex a tighter tug. Wrapped in Ysa's embrace, He could see Kevin's face amidst the hustle and bustle of people moving up and about inside the hall. He hasn't changed much, after all these months, his hair just a little bit longer and face a little bit more defined, he mumbled to himself. Ysa sensed Alex was focused on something else other than the embrace, she then moved to his back and whispered, "It really feels weird seeing the boy you loved who left you, dancing and singing in front of you noh?".

Alex pulled away and walked towards the couch, contemplating on what dramatic attack he'd utilize.

Attack one: We don't really know each other, and Ysa will have to introduce us.

Attack two: I know him a little bit, as we were just acquaintances, or

Attack three: Just act like as you really are, long lost lovers...

Ysa slumped on the couch and flashed him an i-know-what-you're-thinking kind of smile as she unwrapped candy and popped it into her mouth. Alex's phone suddenly vibrated, and Jaja's name was flashing on his screen. He walked to door to answer his call, and at that moment Kev walked out the rehearsal hall and got water from the dispenser. Ysa was following Kev from the corner of her eye, and she distinctly saw Kev take a second glance at Alex by the door as he was re-entering the rehearsal hall. He ended the call and faced her once again with a sigh. Ysa gave him another naughty look and muttered, "He looked at you while you were taking the call". Alex felt a jarful of butterflies empty into his stomach, and was a bit nauseous for a moment. He sat quietly on the couch, beside her, and let out a long sigh. Ysa!, the stage manager called. She kissed Alex on the cheek and ran into the hall. 5 minutes went by and still, the butterflies were there. He felt his feet gravitate towards the table opposite the glass walls of the rehearsal hall, and he succumbed to this unexplainable desire to see this strange boy whom he has loved after all these months.

Kev walked towards the glass and tapped it with his arnis stick, and waved at the boy on the other side. Alex waved back with uncertainty and gave back a smile, his heatbeat racing faster and faster. Kev turned his back and resumed his role, leaving the other boy waving into nothingness. At that point, Alex opened his mouth to say something but instead of words came butterflies in every color, irridescent and ethereal, fluttering around him. Kev looked back just in time to catch a glimpse of Alex rising into the air, smiling at him while waving goodbye then fading into a thousand yellow butterflies, vanishing completely.

And at that moment, Alex learned that he could fly.

"The art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster."

-Elizabeth Bishop, One Art.

..the fine, fine line..

2006-06-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

After browsing for familiar people on guys4men.com, I suddenly came across a profile which brought to mind a phone conversation that happened a year ago. My friend Rom and I had our first phone conversation that lasted for about four hours. He sang me this song from a musical called Avenue Q, about an idea about love. It was a very poignant song, yet the meaning didn't really strike me at that time. It was only these past few days that it's meaning revealed itself to me.

A fine, fine line.

from Avenue Q...

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye.
"I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of your time.

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time.

I just hope that everything wasn't really in vain, nor a waste of time...

p.s ( Slept too much today and just attended rehearsals. By the way, Jenny Miller and Ely Damasin (my dream team) made it to semi-finals, at makakapahinga ako ng mga isa't kalahating buwan..heehee...Yun lang.)

...The Salon...

2006-06-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

The Salon

(for my good friend, Peej.)

Damien stared at his own reflection in the mirror, not minding the blur of people moving up and about. "This is the last time I'm getting bullied into getting a haircut.", he thought to himself, as this was the nth time his mom bribed and forced him to get one. It was beginning to be a ritual that he was starting to get sick of. His mom's voice resounding like a horrid echo, "I guess unruly hair really runs in the family, and I'm not planning to have cave man for a son."

He was getting tired of the waiting but didn't plan on associating himself with the magazines and other publications available at his tableside. An attendant tapped his shoulder,"Sir, lipat na lang po tayo dun sa may likod para masimulan na po natin ang gupit nyo.", and signalled him somewhere three chairs away from where he was sitting. Damien sighed at thought of having to carry his heavy backpack and transfer. He then picked up his stuff and dragged his feet, found the seat, dropped his yellow Jansport on the shiny tiled floor, and slumped on the chair. Damien then started to look again at his reflection in the mirror and made faces, turning his face a little bit to the right and again to the left. Grinning like a school boy and the other moment like a dashing cavalier. He then looked for his best angle, moving his head up and down, right to left again and smiling like a fool. It was when he swung to the left that he noticed a pair of eyes staring at him, through the mirror. All of a sudden, he felt the need to straighten up and sit properly.

The bells then chimed as a customer walked out of the salon, Damien saw this as a good opportunity to get a better look at his audience. He then pretended to get something from his backpack and tried his best to get a glimpse. His audience turned out to be a man around his age too, much taller, wearing thin-rimmed glasses, garbed in light blue long sleeves and black slacks. Damien turned his gaze at the man's shiny and pointed shoes and found it amusing. "Must be Italian.", Damien mumbled to himself. But he took so much time admiring his stalker that the man lifted his eyes from the magazine that he was leafing thru, and met Damien's eyes.

For once in his life, he felt vulnerable, as if the whole world suddenly melted away into nothingness and he was face to face with Cupid himself. Damien opened his mouth but no words came out, and all he could muster was a big smile. The man returned the gesture and gave him a wink, removed his glasses and continued to stare at Damien. At that moment, one of the attendants approached the man and gave him his receipt and change. After the attendant walked away, the man slowly picked up his glasses and briefcase on the side table.

"I have to think fast." , Damien thought to himself. Then he met the guy's gaze again and smiled. The man then gave him a sad puppy dog look, as if to signal his departure. Damien then reached for his phone, fumbled with the keypad and found his phonebook. He then held it up at the man and whispered, "Can I get your number?". The man's smile widened at those words and walked over to Damien's side of the room and reached for the phone. The man then consciously brushed his hand against Damien's wrist before getting the phone and typing in his contact numbers and putting in his name. He then gave the phone back to Damien and gave his last smile before walking out the door, with the bells sounding his exit .

Damien couldn't believe what he just did, and he could still feel the electricity from that brush of skin on skin. He could still feel the heat emanating from his phone, and remembered that the man left his number. On the screen he found heaven, NATHAN 09212609595.

"I guess having a haircut isn't really that bad.", he thought to himself as the attendant started to snip here and there. Damien then smiled at his reflection and grinned like a school boy in love.

...the perils of boredom galore...

2006-06-22T08:34:00.000-07:00

These are some of the pics I played with, this evening, stolen from the shoot at La Mesa Eco park...

...boredom strikes once again...

2006-06-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

..Saw this questionnaire result on one of my friends' blogs, just wanted to try it out for myself, and how I'd fare.

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:
Your propensity for monogamy is high.You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.And in return, you expect the same from who you love.Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.

Experience Level:
Your experience level is high. You've loved, lost, and loved again.You have had a wide range of love experiences.And when the real thing comes along, you know it!

Dominance:
Your dominance is low.This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced. You know a relationship is not about getting your way. And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.

Cynicism:
Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.

Independence:
Your independence is low. This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships..It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

The Five Variable Love Test

...the birth of flight...

2006-06-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

...happy for you...

I would love to tell you that everything will workout for us,and I promise to do all I can to make sure it does.

But if we never meet again and this is truly goodbye, I know we will see each other again in another life,

We will find each other again and maybe, hopefully the stars will have changed

And we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we’ve had before and we will have.

...creations out of boredom...

2006-06-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

These are cd stickers I did today, during lull time this afternoon. I made these to cover the music cd's i bought before lunch time.

Ho hum. boredom really makes you create the darndest things...

...learning, unlearning,and letting go...

2006-06-19T03:32:00.000-07:00

After being busy for quite a while, I return to write something substantial and hopefully put everything that's bothering my mind to rest.

Yesterday was quite a tense day for me, as Jenny Miller competed for the first time on U Can Dance, she and Ely made it for next week's competition. Donning a modified Marilyn Monroe-esque look, Jenny impressed the judges by bringing her showgirl magic. Ely, on the other hand, became my Elvis Presley, in white fringed pants and standing collar, completing the modern vintage look. Maribeth Bichara remarked that "it was a superb show dance", whilst Alma Moreno told everybody that she was impressed with Jenny and Ely as a pair. Hopefully, I'll be able to help them this week by giving them better costumes as they jive to My Cherie Amor. Tiring as it was, seeing them both weave magic onstage made me feel proud as a costume designer, giving them the extra edge and star quality.

Ho hum.

Just read something my mom saved from her MRT ride the other day, it was a Joe D' Mango column on a gay problem, and somehow it hit something inside me. I guess the article gave me the solution to something that's been bothering me for days now. I've been quite okay these past few weeks after the tumultuous week of my life. Everything seems to be okay, as Ej and me start to talk as friends again, conversing about everything under the sun and what's happening in our lives. But I guess the past few days have signalled a change in wind patterns between us as text messages somehow seem to get lost along the passages of communication. Questions are left unanswered and quotes leak out of nowhere, at the danger of being misinterpreted. What a wicked weave of relations this is. I guess I'm just really torn between what I feel for him and being hurt by our current situation. I think what a fucked up life I have, i suddenly mumble to myself. What can a gay boy who's in love do?

When one discovers that he loves someone, but the circumstance isn't conducive
to that love, is forgetting the only option?

For the sake of everyone, here's what Joe D' Mango writes...

" How do we forget someone? or to put it better, how do we forget someone we love? The answer is simple. we cannot forget the people we love. It is only when we don't love them anymore that we are able to free ourselves from the feeling of affection and attachment. In fact, we don't even remember the people we don't love in the first place.

The key to forgetting is to stop loving. For as long as we still love a person, time and distance doesn't mean anything. They can never diminish or take away that feeling. It is in avoiding that person that you will find the answer. It is in not trying to be away from him that you will be free from what you feel. It is in not wanting to love him that you will find your way to acceptance and recovery. It is in not choosing to love, that you will be free from bondage of this feeling.

We all make choices in life. If loving a person is a preference then not wanting to love that person can also be an option. It is just a matter of deciding which one to take and making sure that we don't look back and regret the choice we made."

Somehow, however hard the thought is to swallow and understand, I realize that it is the only way to survive at this point. Taking away the feeling for the person will be hard but if it will take away this uncertainty and pain, then it is the best option I suppose. And hopefully, in time I will be able to mouth Natalie Portman's words in Closer.

Alice: Yes, I would have loved you... forever. Now, please go. I don't love you anymore. Goodbye...

Well, here's another bright week ahead of me and all of us, leaving no time to weep or grieve for things lost in the wind. By the way I'll be posting pics of my creations and the photo shoots soon, it takes a while converting raw files to jpegs for uploading, heehee...

'Til the next entry. I do hope life gets better after this. I need a break.

the U Can Dance Experience..

2006-06-17T08:44:00.000-07:00

These are the pictures from the first taping of the program... This is my dream team Jenny Miller and Ely...

Me, with my dream team, after their piece.

Ely and Jenny in Action...

...thinking outloud...

2006-06-16T01:51:00.000-07:00

...everything's falling from the heavens...

2006-06-14T09:38:00.000-07:00

The past two days seemed to be a blur consisting of meetings, rehearsals with Jenny (since she and Eli are competing this sunday, as Alwyn and Tetchie fail to make the cut), dinner meeting with Arsi Baltazar (regarding Njork) and a business proposal from Mari Hilario. Everything that I've been wishing for this year is actually happening; someone who's willing to mentor me in fashion design, work before i graduate, to move out of my house and pursue fashion full time, find the person whom I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with and start a bank account.

I'm just happy that almost everything I've ever wanted is falling from the heavens, besides Prince Charming, I deduce that he'll just drop in sometime soon. After all, I'm still preparing the things I want for my family like a house for my parents, paid college tuition fees for my brothers, my own car and house. Maybe, by the time I reach thirty, I would've saved up enough moolah to marry him and fly everybody to Palawan or somewhere secluded for a weekend getaway. Well, enough wishful thinking, and back to reality. I'm not rushing into anything naman, just patiently waiting and living my life one day at a time. After all, I'm just 22. By the way, my friend Nathan sent me this message, after reading my whole blog, and I am so touched and inspired that I'd like to share it with anybody who gets to read this.

nathan

06/08/2006

good luck sa lahat ng mga pinapasok mo... and if there is one thing i have in mind about your blog on relationship, God will surely give you one even if you have work -- and i'm sure He'll help you work out a sched and give you an undestanding partner... and if things would be rough, try to patch things up... problems have solutions... questions have answers... you know what i mean... : )

Had a lengthy and inspiring talk with Jaja, a few hours ago, on how we'll survive as young designers/entrepreneurs at this time. And we came up with very good options and visions. I guess two heads are really better than one. Here I am typing away at 2am, hoping that the good things don't stop flowing and the good opportunities don't stop coming .This is what I've always dreamt of, to help other people in the process and make their lives better.

Lastly, I am asking all of you to pray for Jenny Miller and her partner, Ely, as they tape on Sunday for U Can Dance...

Here's me signing off for now...

but i'll be posting pictures of my recent creations over the next few days,so watch out..

padayon,

sants.

...old poems for such a new chapter...

2006-06-10T06:26:00.000-07:00

After a tiring day, meeting with Kuya Cris and Neomi, picking clothes for Che, and taking measurements for Makiling Ensemble, I suddenly find myself in front of a computer here at netopia shopwise and still a bit lost from the things that happened today.

At 8 am, I find myself awakened by machine gun texts from one of Ate Kris' friends whom will be having her wedding in December. At 2pm, I am surprised to see another of Ate Kris's friends texting me telling me that she's looking for a designer for her May wedding next year. I suddenly find myself smiling at the thought that job opportunities are currently falling from the heavens and landing onto my lap. The only thing that's not falling from the heavens is the one guy that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with, aka Prince Charming.

Ho hum.

Don't get me wrong, I guess I'm being ushered into the real world even before I graduate. Add the fact that I have a business meeting with Arsi Baltazar for his brand, Njork, on Tuesday. I'm still having a difficult time taking it all in, as everything is happening at a very fast pace. Sometimes I run out of breath.

Minsan tuloy, iniisip ko na magiging manang na lang talaga ako habambuhay. And all I'll have is this work. no time for lovin, I guess. Well, to break the work theme, I've decided to post a few poems from the past and hopefully they'll capture the bird of solitude that sings upon my bed at night.

Here they are.

ang ritwal ng paghuhugas ng pinggan

(ngayong basag ako at natututong lumaya)
ni santi obcena

nangilid sa aking mga mata

ang mga luhang naghintay ng ilang araw

para bumulwak ng tuluyan

tulad ng

ulan
sa labas

sa sulok ng silid ay

tumawag ng pansin ang

mga pinggang

naghintay rin at nangulila

nagmamantika

nagsesebo

iniipis

nalamatan na
tulad ng puso ko.

kaya't dahan-dahang

pinihit ang gripo

sabay dampot ng

scotchbrite at joy
at nagsimula ang proseso ng pagkuskos

sa lahat ng mga alaala ng
pira-pirasong pizza nung huling party ng barkada
tirang gin-pomelo

sa pitsel na bulaklakin nang matutunan mong 'di patas ang mundo

spaghetti sauce

sa mga mangkok at tinidor nung

atakihin tayon ng lumbay, isang gabi
chocolate cake sa ilang platito at pinggang kinainan

kanina lamang
ilang hagod lang at unti-unting bumitaw

ang sebo't mantika

sa ilang patak ng joy
at luha.

sa ilang saglit

nabura ko na rin ang lahat

pangungulila
at pait ng pamamaalam

sa 'yong mga salita.

*for my little prince, who made all of my stars laugh and cry at the same time...and i, the fox who cries because you have tamed me. *

dearest passenger

santi obcena

i have never seen your face

again

after that fateful day on the train

you

chose this

endless ride to anonymity,

while i

settled for a life in the sun

the twisted light

reminds me of the laughter

you once held in your palms

then you said to me

drink from this fountain

that spurts forth this uncontainable happiness

from your lips

the fool,

unable to resist the urge

fell for the trick

and currently suffers the consequences

then you

push me off the train

leaving me

alone on the platform filled with faceless men

and women

while

you, on the other hand

sped off into an artificial sunset

with your self-righteous world.

happiness is such an underrated word.

mahal

santi obcena

ilang guhit

sa braso

ang katumbas ng

paglimot sa 'yo

ilang basang

panyo at unan

ang kailangang iyakan

upang ang iyong imahe'y

matangay na ng ulan

ilang maghapon

ang bubunuing

nakatanaw sa mga

panganorin

bubulwak

ang mga alaala

kasabay ng pag-agos

ng dugo at luha

kasabay ng pag

tik tak tik tak

ng relo

kasabay ng pag-ihip ng hangin

at pagsayaw ng mga dahon sa himpapawid

isang hapon

ay titingala ka rin

sa langit

at huhugot ng isang

alaala mula

sa baul ng kahapon

at muli kang babalik sa mga bisig ko

mananatili ako

sa saglit na iyon

at 'di na aalis

papailanlang ka't

tatangayin

ng bukangliwayway

nang sa paggising

ko'y

bura na ang bakas

ng alaala

mo sa aking

panagimpan.

"for even if your happiness lies not in my arms, my heavens shall abide..."

...the remains of this day...

2006-06-08T06:27:00.000-07:00

Just got from a day of shooting the fashion spread for BLIP magazine, I am burnt out and tired. Haven't really slept yet since yesterday, coz I was afraid of not making it on time for the 7am call time today. Unfortunately, I wore the wrong pair of shoes today, causing my feet to birth blisters by the time I arrived in school. luckily, Malcolm brought an extra pair of slippers. We got lost somewhere in Novaliches because the driver followed the wrong map, luckily I woke up and told the driver the correct way. Arrived at La Mesa Eco park at around 12nn and proceeded to shoot the six layouts (3 each for girls and the boys). I am proud to say that the pictures turned out well and that it surpassed my initial expectations. I am eternally grateful to everyone who made this pictorial possible: Joanah (my over-all editor), Charles and Noel (our talented photographers, for bearing with my quirky photo concepts and perspectives), Jgo, Karla, and Malcolm (for helping me with assisting, styling, hair and make-up), Joseph and Nick (for the additional transportation vehicle) and Kuya (for driving us to the venue and back to csb safely) and last but not the least...our very talented models. Patty, Michelle, Hannah, Reggie, Robbie and Vernon (thank you for lending us the beauty and talent that God has given to you, and also your time, effort and patience.)

Grabe, pare ang init dun, pramis...Nagpawis pati kaluluwa ko.

I guess I'm just happy that despite the stress, pagod and last minute childish tantrums, the concept was born into reality thru collaboration. I guess the load becomes easier when shared with friends. I'll post some of the pics as soon as the raw files get converted. I just told myself that I can do this for a living, doing art concepts, styling, photo shoots and the job of sittings director.

That actually excited me a bit as I related that concept to Noel and Charles, maybe someday we'll be able to do this again soon.

Heehee... fun fun fun happy happy joy joy ...

...and diyosa at ang kanyang long lost boyfriend.

2006-06-07T06:31:00.000-07:00

...Here's my picture taken at SM Mall of Asia, last June 2, with my long lost boyfriend.

I was whisked off by my sister, Dianne and friends. We saw "Failure to Launch", and enjoyed the sights there...I kinda experimented on the pic, to kill time while I'm waiting for a photographer.

What a day!

By the way, I got a call from Kuya Bobot Lota, a production designer, and he wants me to do costume design for a season show of Ballet Philippine on December. I was very flattered that he actually searched for me and even gave me a call. He was very impressed with my work in PETA's Romulus D' Grayt. Maybe I can post a few pics of the costumes, when I do get a copy. Well, I hope that my family arrived safely at our home already. And my two days of stillness and quiet in the house has now ended. Ho hum. And I was already getting used to it.

I just finished ironing some of the clothes that we got from Van Heusen and Folded and Hung. And I have a 7am call time for a photo shoot as we're doing for BLIP (Benildean Lifestyle in Print) magazine. For this issue, we're featuring the business related side of college life at CSB, putting the limelight on courses like Export Management, Iformation Technology and other business/corporate courses. We will also be doing articles on making the perfect resume, ten pieces you need in your wardrobe to survive the corporate life, and other interesting stuff like music, movie, and food reviews. And our fashion lay-out theme is Corporate Jungle, so we're shooting on location at the La Mesa Eco-Park.

Yehey! I'll be styling, doing the make-up and stand as the sittings director tomorrow, so I guess I need to drop by 7-11 and get my sugar fix ...Looks like it's gonna be a tiring day once again...

heehee..

...viva narcissismo with friends..

2006-06-06T03:05:00.000-07:00

Just found pics of myself on the office network, and chose to post them here to change the gloomy atmosphere of the few last entries...

hooray for narcissism.

This was taken before the Dulaang Filipino Theater Festival award ceremonies, with Dianne (black dress), Robby (Sushi boy in gray shirt), Joannah, Yuggy (Angas boy in white polo and red tie), and Jam.

These are our singit shots from the NCAA magazine pictorial, taken by Charles Custodio, featuring my make-up on Joannah and Dianne. hehe...mukha kaming mag-on ni Caloy (kapag tinanggal silang lahat).

Yeehee..wala lang...pangulit lang, ilang minuto bago ako umalis para manuod ng sine sa gateway...yeehee...

...and the world whirrs to life again..

2006-06-05T10:23:00.000-07:00

After a rollercoaster ride last week, I guess everything on my side of the world comes back in full throttle as I go return to reality. For one brief week, time and all the universe stood still for me. Natuwa naman ako, may internal arrangement kasi kami ng Diyos tungkol sa pag-ibig at sa tamang oras para sa pag-ibig. Sabi ko kasi sa Diyos, kung sa palagay niya ay 'di pa panahon para sa pag-ibig ay tambakan niya ako ng trabaho pero kung tama na ang panahon ay patigilin niya ang lahat. Masaya naman ako na tumigil ang mundo kahit saglit lang.

Ho hum.

Tomorrow is another busy day, as we go to Van Heusen and F&H for clothing pull-outs for BLIP magazine. Looks like that'll run 'til about 4pm. Then I might have time to watch the 7pm screening of X-men at Gateway, I've been meaning to catch a movie over the past two weeks and I guess this is the only time that the finances are good tsaka onti lang ang trabaho.

By the way, the first taping for U CAN DANCE! happened last Sunday and I survived my first ABS-CBN experience. I'll try to upload some pics of me and my creation worn by Jenny Miller and Eli (her partner), when Ziggy sends me the pics. At least I'm happy that my couple was not chosen to compete this week, so that leaves me enough time to work on the next concept and rearrange my life.

Here's me looking forward to working on Ate Kris' wedding entourage again and improving my academic status, since i haven't been able to attend my classes last week and this monday. So I've got a bit of backlog on my hands, but I know I'll be able to swing it.

Anyways, everybody's going to Tarlac later for my Lolo's funeral and I'm the only one who won't be able to go since I need to stay and guard the house, and go to school. Looks like I'm the houseboy for the moment.

I hope everything figures out this week, with all the shards scattered around it's hard not to cut myself and cry again but I know that there's something good coming my way soon.

Can't wait...

...the truth about love...

2006-06-03T11:24:00.000-07:00

"this strange season of pain will come to pass..."

-Indigo Girls

Over the past week I've learned that there are only two tragedies in my life:

Boy loses boy.

and

2. Boy loses Boy, realizes he really loves Boy, finds Boy again, and loses him again.

And all the while I thought that there was only one tragedy I could go through. By the way, my grandfather died last tuesday, at the age of 83.

And I guess part of me died too, as I realize that there are some mistakes you can never correct, no matter how hard you try to make up for them.

I think my family was right after all, in making me realize that Ej is the person I should be spending the rest of my life with, loving and not be rooted to the memory of someone who chooses to forget me.

Unfortunately, I guess being late is one of my best characteristics, as he now enjoys an almost month-long relationship with Chris. When will I ever perfect my timing and appreciate the most valuable things and people in my life while they're at my grasp?

Ho hum.

Sometimes, I think that the whole world is conspiring against me. Just a thought. After a week of talking it out, crying, and regretting things, I finally decide to walk away from this and be his friend. Ayi,my newfound friend, shared to me that this is a win-win situation. And the least I'll get out of this compromise is having a friend again. I suddenly smiled at that thought, while typing away at Netopia this afternoon. But there's this nagging pain at the base of my heart that gnaws thru this almost perfect set-up.

How do you suppress feelings for someone you love, and keep it at the level of friendship? How do you stop thinking about holding him in your arms, wanting to grow old raising kids with him and kissing him crazy? I guess it's like stopping a train in a second or preventing the sun from rising.

Impossible.

But I guess my utmost respect for the four-letter word, L-O-V-E, pushes me to look beyond my own feelings and see the real situation. To acknowledge that Ej is in a loving and budding relationship with Chris. Even though I know Ej still has feelings for me, I deduce that if there is business ethics, there should also be love ethics. To never ever be in the way of two people's relationship or to plant seeds of confusion in the middle of it all. I must admit that I've already commited the second one, and I refuse to complete the injury. There is this line I now draw between Me and Ej, to separate the past and push towards a new future. I know that this will not be an easy task.

But I guess waiting for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with isn't really that hard to bear. I know that there's this lingering thought that Ej might not gravitate into my life again as a lover very soon, but everyday is learning process for my heart to wait more patiently than the day before. There is only hope left in me now, no more expectations, no more wishes, and no more selfish love...

When you love somebody, you must learn to set them free and find their own happiness. If they come back into your arms, be happy but if they find happiness in another's, be happy still.

To love somebody is to want them to be happy, for even if their happiness lies not in our arms but in another's heaven.

Together again

It would feel so good to be

In your arms

Where all my journeys end

If you can make a promise

If it's one that you can keep,

I vow to come for you

If you wait for me and say you'll hold

A place for me in your heart.

-Tracy Chapman

second chances.

2006-06-01T05:41:00.000-07:00

Mistakes make you think...They make you realize what you had...

What you've lost and you've taken for granted.

They make you realize that sometimes, there are no next times, no time outs, nor second chances...

p.s (sana lang ay di ito totoo...nangangarap ako.)

the boy stares at the stars and weeps.

2006-05-31T09:00:00.000-07:00

The boy lays on his bed, staring at the ceiling, wishing everything would just dissolve into nothingness so he could see the stars. Everything else in his room was a blur, similar to that day. He couldn't even recognize his own pictures, nor the painted nymphs on the walls, with all these tears in his eyes.

"You're too late.", he muttered to himself.

2006-05-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

" for you i'd bleed myself dry..."

...sa lilim ng buwan.

2006-05-30T10:48:00.000-07:00

paalam na, aking anghel
lumisan na't malayo pa
ang lalakbayin
patungo sa bukas na walang
kasiguruhan
patungo sa kahapong di man lang
pagmasdan

tanglaw ang buwan sa iyong
daan
nagtatanong bakit ka raw lilisan
sa mga bisig na kinahihimlayan
hayaan munang kita'y iduyan

hayaang mong hagkan ko ang mga bituin
wala ka man sa 'king piling
nadarama ang iyong init sa
kanilang ningning
hayaan mong isayaw kita
sa lilim ng buwan
at ihele bago ka lumisan
at sa habang panaho'y buhayin ka
kahit sa alaala lamang.

lost in translation...

2006-05-29T12:14:00.000-07:00

I am lost
in this eternal maze

a labyrinth of dreams
a bag full of questions
left to spill
onto the floor

I am bathed
in this darkness

between my bed and
ceiling
lies this early morning
threatening to burst forth
with the splendor of
ten thousand new years

for your memory resides
in between
the

s

where i am lost
and finding me
in

...breaking the spell...

2006-05-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

"All the spells of this broken heart come undone..."
---After All.

After almost four years of penning the lyrics for that song, I suddenly realize that it is just quite imposible for me to achieve what it implies. I guess that "moving on" is one of the hardest things I've never really accomplished. And it is always easier said than done. I've always just scratched the surface of this immortal longing. "You're forgiven, not forgotten", The Corrs reiterated to me.

The past few months have been the most interesting months I've ever had, I've met the most interesting people and taken on mundane and worthwhile projects for people whom I never thought would be my clients. But I must admit that I've never been this tired and busy in all the 22 years of my existence.

I have come to learn that it pays to never sweat too much on the little insignificant things in your life but rather work on the things and projects that will help you arrive to your goal. Forge relationships with people whom you think will be good for you. Sometimes they say that achieving your goal and being positive is all about surrounding yourself with the right people.

I was talking to Pj on Ym the other day, and I asked him if he was happy? I've always had this habit of popping that question randomly into any conversation, just to know how they look at their lives at that precise moment.

Santi : masaya ka ba?

PJ: generally, yes

PJ: there are things i want but i am happy

PJ: the things i want i cannot change and with age and maturity i am learning to be content.

PJ: hence, i can say i am happy

After hearing that, I suddenly realized the very essence of life, which is to be content with what I have right now and accept the triumphs and waterloos of my story. I deduce that one can never have his or her fairytale- esque ending or state of living because life is a mere escalation of needs, wants, opportunities, capabilities, choices and resourcess. Learning to accept that current level you are in and be contented with it is an art that is hard to master. While channeling what you've got and what you can do to get to where you want to be is a big challenge

Just to let everyone know, I still have my hands full right now with the wedding entourage, school (Yes, school in CSB has started this week...YEHEY!), art direction for BLIP 3 (CSB's lifestyle magazine), costumes for Che, costumes for KALOOB and Jenny Miller (for U CAN DANCE), Shoko's twill pants and some side orders for those thai pants (even though summer has officially ended).

But don't get the idea that I'm swimming in money with all those projects and orders, I guess I'm not that good at putting a price on my talent yet. Some are pro bono or just the total honest cost of labor and materials with a little extra for transpo and a meal. But I am earning experience that I can't buy nor get inside the four corners of the classroom.

Here's me looking at this toxic life from a better angle and hopefully one day, I'll be free.

"..And i'll sing my miseries to the sea

weave my stories in the sun

All the spells of this broken heart come undone...".

...2 poems for a nostalgic saturday afternoon.

2006-05-20T04:45:00.000-07:00

I'd just like to share two poems that are very close to my heart for the sole reason that these mirror the current state of my being. Rilke and Frost are two respectable poets who have crafted these two masterpieces. I offer this entry to someone who must not be named and exists only in my memory and dreams.

For he, who came and left with my heart.You are not aware that after more than a year of separation, you still keep my shiny red baloon on a string.

You Who Never Arrived
Rainer Maria Rilke

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don't even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of the next
moment. All the immense
images in me-- the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,
cities, towers, and bridges, and unsuspected
turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods-
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.
You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house--, and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me.
Streets that I chanced upon,--
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and, startled,
gave back my too-sudden image. Who knows?
perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, seperate, in the evening...

Translated by Stephen Mitchell

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake,
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep.
And miles to go before I sleep.

And lastly, I offer this quote to everybody who loves, has loved, is loved, was loved and believes in the power and mystery of love.

"...I have a love in my life and it makes me stronger than anything you can imagine..."
- Adam Sandler PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE

...If only...

2006-05-20T04:39:00.000-07:00

I've loved you since the day I met you but I wouldn't allow myself to truly feel it until today. I was always thinking ahead, making decisions out of fear. Because of you, every decision I made was different and my life has completely changed and I have learned that if you do that, your living your life fully. It doesn't matter if you have 5 minutes or 50 years. If not for today I would never have known love at all. So thank you for being the person who taught me to love and to be loved...

-If Only-

Round, round baby...round, round.

2006-05-18T11:01:00.000-07:00

time:2:10am

venue: sala

background music: high and dry- radiohead.

At ten minutes after 2 in the morning, I've got melancholy piping from the speakers of my silver music box.

"Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever...Don't you boy?", sang Thom Yorke.

And boy does that sound good, after what I' ve been through today. Having braved a trip to Divisoria (for the boning and fusible cloth for the wedding and Shoko's swatches), pick-up make-up at Gateway (thanks to my bro, Ces, I didn't have to go back to my house.), zip to Mandaluyong too meet Shoko (And yes, we're back in business...Yebahh!), then rush to CSB again to do the make for the NCAA shoot.

Whew! I never thought doing make-up for ten people would be that tiring, even if the peg was just natural and clean-looking. I did styling for the pep squad of JRU(Jose Rizal University) and UPHD (University of Perpetual Help D___?). Both schools had very bubbly people, and I had fun chatting with the JRU Bombers while I did their make-up. They were so hilarious and friendly. Although I forgot to get all of their names in my memory, I remember Papa Bear, Princess, and Carlo. Pardon to the other two I forgot to mention. Well, I helped Johnny and Charles for the Bomber pictorial session with poses and angles. Thank God for my dance experience...

Dianne then treated me to dinner at Jollibee Vito Cruz, spaghetti and chicken never tasted this heavenly after a day like that. And just when I thought my day was over and I was to enjoy my FX ride home as my bed awaits for my return, Che suddenly texted regarding a surprise racket. I obliged to drop by, since their house was just two streets away from mine. I'll brief you on that project when I get the details.

I guess my Taft-Divi-Cubao-Mandaluyong-Taft-16th Avenue-Home route is one thing I'll try to veer away from unless

A.) I get a car with a driver...

B.) I suddenly have a partner who has a car...or

C.) I become a regular bum, just stay at home and get beer belly or be a parlorista.

I made a mental note to never choose option C, ever..

I guess this is the life...A fast blur of events, zipping across the metro, and completing a list of tasks for the day. It just makes me appreciate lazy days more and more. Like sunday afternoons spent lying in bed, watching reruns of CSI and hanging around the house and having enough time to enjoy family life.

Don't get me wrong, I also do appreciate the fast life I'm having right now. Meeting such interesting people (clients, and such interesting people), gaining experience and aving a taste of the real world is pretty interesting too. And I think that not all 22 year olds have the opportunity to live a life I'm having, meet the people I've met, nor gained the experience I've managed to pocket along the journey.

But I guess my only regret is that I don't have the person I love beside me right now, and that I am unable to share all of this happiness in my life. I guess the quote is true. "You can't bake your cake and eat it too." But I've still got time to burn and wait. For that someone out there who still has my heart on a string, I hope you can read this.

Ho hum. My apologies to everyone who gets to read this entry. I didn't intend to bombard you with a rather sappy and emotional ending, I really didn't. It somehow just leaked. Pardon moi. The stress might be kicking in now, with added nostalgia.

Heehee. Here's anticipating the day that awaits for me later. I'll give you a low-down on what happens later since supervising 8 groups for pictorial is known to induce insanity and breakdowns. Just wish me luck that I'll be alive to give you another entry and update you on my rather glamorous life.

Maybe I should change my blog name to something like The Adventures of Wonder Girl or Ang Mga Kagila-gilalas na Pakikipagsapalaran ni Santi Obcena.

Leche. Ang korni na ng mga hirit ko. Kailangan ko na matulog.

Santi signing off.

"You ain't gonna burn my heart out." , ang mga huling salita ko para sa estrangherong patuloy na may hawak sa pisi ng aking pulang lobo.

Magandang umaga.

time: 3:05am

background music: don't look back in anger-oasis

metamorphosis...

2006-05-16T10:58:00.000-07:00

Today was a very good day.

Shoko called me at 10:45am, to ask where I was. At the precise moment her voice fell unto my ears, I remembered that I should've been at the PETA theater center at 10am to meet with her regarding her orders. I rushed to TC only to find she left already and was angry at me. I then called her but she never responded. After a while, she texted me saying that the fact that she trusted me with her orders is a sign that she trusts me as a good designer but I have shown her that I wasn't a good designer because of my poor and unprofessional time management.

That text rocked my world, and brought me down from my pedestal. It was the most memorable and worst negative comment about me that I really believed in. And there are very few people I listen to when it comes to their impression and reaction to who I am.

Just a backgrounder:

Shoko Matsumoto is a 1st class light designer hailing from Japan, but is now based here. She is the head honcho of Sinag Arts, and is very much a key mover in the art industry in the Philippines. Being Japanese, it is innate for her to become on time and punctual regarding schedules and appointments.

I reflected as I left the Theater Center. It was the worst breakfast I've ever had in quite a while. I guess the it hurt so much because I knew it was the truth. I apologized to her and told her how I could make it up to her. After a few hours of reflecting on my working style, I decided that a strong move for discipline should be in order.

To become a good artist, one should possess or develop the 3 D's, as we were told in high school...

Discipline.....Discipline....and Discipline..

One missing and it ain't complete.

Discipline involves being on time, being organized, delivering good products and taking care of your customer. These were what I needed to learn and embody, to become a good artist, may it be in dance, teaching, and fashion design.

After a few hours of torture, she texted me saying that we can reschedule our meeting to thursday at Sinag Arts studio. Ang saya ko, para bang sinagot ng langit ang mga dasal ko...

I guess life really gives us second chances, to become better, and rewrite mistakes. It's only up to us to swallow our pride, realize our mistake, formulate a solution or resolution and grab the opportunity by the balls.

Humility, Discipline, and Passion. These are the values I learned today.

And I'm glad that everyday is a chance to become better and wiser than yesterday...

I'll share with you some wisdom I got off Jaja's blog, I guess this is the follow up literature on my last entry regarding my search for the meaning of my life thru a fortune cookie..

The Blueprint of Success

by William Arthur Ward

"Believe while others are doubting
Plan while others are playing
Study while others are sleeping
Decide while others are delaying
Prepare while others are daydreaming
Begin while others are procastinating
Work while others are wishing
Save while others are wasting
Listen while others are talking
Smile while others are frowning
Commend while others are criticizing
Persist while others are quitting"

At 22, there's so much waiting for me outside the door. I know I'm good, but I guess one should never rest on his laurels...I know I have to be better, as each day passes.

Ho hum.

What a day.

Tell me about yours.

wisdom from a fortune cookie.

2006-05-11T14:44:00.000-07:00

I cracked my fortune cookie this evening to find this.."You will finally get a clear picture of what you will need to do in your life".

Wisdom from a 5-peso fortune cookie from Chowking, I thought to myself. But I guess, this piece of paper embedded in a crisp pastry shell really does address one of my internal life questions:

"What do I really want to do with the rest of my life?".

Well, there's this urgent yearning to graduate soon. Then there's this fashion related career that I'm starting to build with a considerable number of clients, ranging from wedding entourage, grad ball dresses, to orders of thai pants . I must admit that I'm having fun while gaining experience and that I'm actually utilizing the skills I've learned in my course at CSB. But as my existence in Benildanze stopped, I guess part of my passion for dance died with the scholarship. Not that it's fully extinguished but I know that I'm not the same dancer who I was a year ago.

I suddenly wonder if all artists arrive at this fork in the road wherein they're confronted with this question, and forced to make a decision soon. Opening my e-mail , I am bombarded by messages from my high school batchmates from Philippine High School for the Arts, thru our yahoogroups. These messages are not your usual "hi" or "hello" messages, nor party info, but college grad sentiments. Most of us in my batch are graduating this year, some with honors, some just happy to arrive at the end of the line. But there's this commonality among them, the fear of being an unemployed recent graduate. The uncertainty that resides in between the moment that we officially graduate and the moment we are officially employed. I think almost everyone goes thru this stage in their life.

Comparing their dilemma with mine...

It's the successfully employed undergrad versus the unemployed successful graduate. The undergrad suffering from uncertainty in what he wants to pursue in his life combined with academic burdens while the unemployed graduate contemplates on financial security and the personal need to pursue what will be well-compensating yet not entirely selling himself out.

Ho hum.

These thoughts suddenly wake me from the idealistic world we've lived in high school and fast forward me to the real world. In a few months, I'll be part of the official list of graduates and of the work force. Hopefully by then I would've found the career path that clearly is for me.

A few minutes after 6am, I choose to face my own monsters..the one that's in my head and the one in my stomach. Today is a busy day , with a Divi trip, meeting, shopping session with Che, thai pants orders, and meeting with Shoko for her pants. And drop by Tinoy's place to pay the balance for Che's costumes, if there's some time left in my day.

Btw, Dianne and some of the SPO (Student Publications Office) pips left for Sagada last night. And somehow deep inside , I feel kinda envious that people are enjoying their summer tan with beach and mountain trips while I get mine from basking in the afternoon sun in Divisoria.

Next year, I promise to myself that my next summer will be different. Hopefully..

For now, it's just me, divi, clients, and wisdom from a 5-peso fortune cookie..

p.s (these are my new pics from a recent impromptu shoot..)

...a busy life this is...

2006-05-08T03:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was really tiring as me and Che (Otto's girlfriend) went to Makati Cinema Square to have her bikini and Beyonce-ish leotards made. We then rushed to Carolina's Libertad for sequins, only to find it closed. Then we proceeded to Farmers to my alternative store only to find it closed for inventory. I guess the world conspired against us in our search for beads. Nakakaloka talaga ang pagod kahapon pero mukhang walang tatalo sa pagod ko mamaya hanggang bukas since bukas ang Divi day namin ni Ate Kris (pa client ko fro the wedding entourage) at pictorial ni Che.

I still have a two-piece bikini and a leotard to embellish in time for tomorrows shoot. Ho hum. I guess this is a Darna job once again.

I'm on my way to Toni's place in a few minutes, then I'm off to Tinoy's place for the leotards. Looks like it's a no-sleep night again.

What's new?

Taking chances,,,

2006-05-07T02:11:00.000-07:00

Just to let you know, Pao did call me this morning but I decided to sleep it off. Then he texted me pleading not to say goodbye and that he loves me. I decided to answer his texts saying that I didn't particularly like the silence and the misplaced joke-attention getting device...

I was waging a war inside my head, here I was all prepped up for a goodbye speech but wasn't suddenly prepared for a requiem. He then texted that he'd call. I suddenly got fidgety, maybe I'm just not a breaking up person in real life, unless it's called for. The phone rang and I suddenly faced silence as he refused to speak too. It felt awkward but I guess he was listening to my speech, and I suddenly felt as if my words were made of iron.

To cut a long story short , because I lost some of the details since it was around 8am and I'm not a morning person, I am finally believing his words that he loves me, in some sense.

I guess it doesn't hurt to give second chances to people, take their apologies and forgive them for boo-boos.

Well, here it goes...another rollercoaster ride. Hope I get off from this alive and with a smile..

Wish me luck.

the unbearable weight of uncertainty.

2006-05-06T11:08:00.000-07:00

Waking up at 3pm isn't really a fun thing, especially when you've planned to do a million things. Hungry and tired from sleeping, I amuse myself by starting to read something that has been waiting in my Favorites list for the longest time...the Cosmo Bedroom blog. Funny and witty, the blog has kept me for six hours, and counting because I'm still working my way thru February 2006 and I've got three months to go.

The blog exhibits the escapades of a late 20's or early 3o's woman living in the US, and her personal quips about life, sex, love and friendships. With similarities to Sex and the City, the Cosmo Bedroom blog really makes you sit at the end of your seat and glued to your computer screen. K, the main character, goes thru rollercoaster rides in her relationships with yummy and interesting men.

Ho hum. She really makes me cringe at the thought of having another relationship, as she meets all of these rather dynamic variety of men with their own quirks.

Over late lunch, I was suddenly faced with this unexplainable fear.

"What if I get so used to not having relationships, then I harden inside and become too indepedent?", I suddenly mutter to myself. My mom just looks at me with confusion on this sudden wild mind question, hugs me then smiles at me as she heads to the C.R to take her shower.

I texted Pao this evening, the 25 year old single dad, and told him about having to deal with this two days of silence from him. I guess I've never really been good at this way back then, having to be vocal about my feeling but I guess one has to start somewhere, right? I told him that I have decided that I didn't need this silence and uncertainty, and that this was the time to end it. I told Pao that if he saw a possibility in us being together he had to call me til 12 midnight, and if he didn't then just let the text messages pass. You may deduce that I am a bossy and demanding bitch with those statements, and I wouldn't blame you for that. I guess feeding myself uncertainty for almost a year after Red and I broke up, didn't help me realize the process of moving on and my self-worth. I have ceased to become blind and a martyr, that is why I saw no other way but to tell him what I felt.

For those of you have no idea on how the silence came to be, I'll give you the low-down. About three or four days ago, Pao woke me with these two text messages.

Message One:

"I called your haws but you were not there. I miss you so much, hope 2 hear your voice.Miss you and love you..."

Message Two:

" I'm so sorry Jay if I wasn't able to answer your calls. Di ko lang naririnig ung rings. If you have time, please do call me so-Pao"

I'd just like to reiterate that my name is Santi, for everyone who suddenly forgot my name. Back to the story...I then sent him a text asking him if it was a joke and that I was confused because of the texts. But he didn't answer. Day even asked what the text was all about since I suddenly contorted my face from sunny to cloudy in an instant. I kept my cool since he didn't answer. All day long, I was left with questions..."Was it a joke or not?" or "Was he was just playing with me?"

People we're telling me that you don't just text people that way as a form of joke, and my heart twitched because somehow I knew that it was true. Pao woke me up the next morning at around 8:30am with a phone call, and I am not even a morning person, He was on his way home from work and just had enough time to change clothes for a presentation deadline. He asked me if my silence yesterday was due to the "text messages". I told him that it was part of it. Pao then explained that it was a joke, and that "nagpapansin lang siya". I then made a mental note to myself not to use this method of catching my friend's attention. He then asked me if I wasn't believing that explanation and then I mumbled something I couldn't remember. Pao then told me he missed me, then bid me goodbye with a quick "i love you"...I stupidly answered back, "I love you too"..

I guess, I should've listened to Henry's advice after all. And just say thank you when people mutter I love you's without hesitance, at your expense.

Well, here's me thinking outloud at 2:44am and wondering where all of this goes. Ho hum. I guess I should be getting to the dishes waiting in the sink, at least after a bit of scrubbing and mosquito bites, I have achieved a fairytalesque ending...with clean and squeaky clean plates.

Btw, Pao called while I went out for a walk, unfortunately he didn't call my landline again when I texted him that I was back. Ho hum. What a shitty day this has been, besides reading the Cosmo blog.

Ho hum. It really makes me excited on how tomorrow will unfold.

the tension of connection and disconnection...

2006-05-03T12:10:00.000-07:00

The first few months of this year has proved to be interesting for most of my friends and myself. Having witnessed numerous break-ups and new relationships, I am left amazed and enmeshed in the power that these two statements bring into one's life.

"I love you..." and "I'm breaking up with you.."

Having just talked to a friend regarding his own break-up with a partner of four months, I am suddenly confronted with my own demons from past relationships. A conversation pops into my head, involving me and my bestfriend Day.

She asks me, in exasperation over her own break-up..."Sino bang mas makapangyarihan? Yung nangiiwan ba o iniiwan?"

And I am suddenly faced with a montage of statements, from Henry, Stephen , and everyone else who has had their fair share of happiness and heartache. Where do I find myself in this chaotic and otherwise melancholic mix of love and hate? of happiness and heartbreak?

Just as I decided last night, while watching Amelie, that I am ready to enter a relationship, a flurry of questions woke me this morning. At around half past eight am, I am greeted by text messages from prospect partners. One is a 25 year old single dad, whom I have exchanged conversations with am currently engaged to when i turn 25, while the other is 15 year old mature guy whom I wish was of legal age. "Ang ganda mo kasi", I muttered to myself in mixed excitement and paranoia. There are complications here and there if I finally decide who among the two I will entertain.

I think that one should never swim in two pools at the same time, out of sheer respect for everything that love, trust, and commitment stands for.

Ho hum.

At 3:35 am today, I decide to let go of searching for love and finally place this longing inside the glove compartment and put my academic and artistic development in the front seat. I suddenly realize that there are far too many important things to be resolved in my life at this moment, demanding my utmost and full attention and focus. And if my Prince Charming falls into my life during this period of reflection and renovation of priorities, then so be it, but I choose to not look for LOVE at the moment. Tulad ng sabi ni Henry, "Suffering is optional."

And I simply choose not to.

of love and other demons..

2006-05-02T02:56:00.000-07:00

I must admit that the past two weeks have been very interesting, in terms of work and love...And that realization simply surprises me mainly due to the fact that I've never had this much happening in my life in such a short time.

I've met so many people that it actually is starting to be fun. heehee...

After more than a year since my big break up, I can say that I am ready and willing to be in a relationship again. A mature yet can't live-without-you kind of relationship that's headed into a beautiful sunset. I guess there's so much happiness I'm experiencing right now that I'd like to share it with somebody. ho hum...If only finding a partner was that easy and fool-proof, but i think that having relationships was never meant to be "fairytale-esque". No fairy godmothers to help you find your prince charming.

For the modern gay man, there is so many options in meeting a partner, may it be physical or virtual initial meeting. There's the speed dating that's also popular with straights, hanging out at malate, government or embassy. But if you're the conservative or busy gay or bisexual maybe you'd like to try www.guys4men.com, www.downelink.com, or www.connexion.org. But be wary of posers and fakers who use other peoples pictures. Such a pityful culture..

On a personal note, I've met so many interesting and worthwhile individuals who can either turn out to be your next friend, best friend, fuck buddy, or long-term partner. It all depends on how you play your cards and your motives and chosen style of attack.

As for me, I'm currently looking for a long-term partner. Hook-ups, fuck buddies, and one-night stands aren't really my thing. There's this temporary quality about hook-ups that just isn't me. Ho hum...

As for the big picture of my life..

The designs for the wedding is turning out okay, just need to canvas for the materials and haggle withe dress shop for rates.
Kaloob, needs three designs for maria clara and praise dances. Yipee!
And there are still orders for thai pants...
Finally, I'm currently talking to someone whom I like, and maybe he'll walk with me on this journey..

Hay, what a week!

Can't wait to see what's in store for me next week..

santi signing off..

another unexpected turn in the road...

2006-04-26T07:40:00.000-07:00

There have been so many things that happened within the first few days of this week, some good and some not-so good. I guess, you can't always bake your cake and eat it too. Naisip ko lang na ang sobrang daming surprises na binibigay sa akin ng Diyos ngayong panahon na ito sa life ko, gusto kong tanungin "BIRTHDAY KO BA? at ang daming surprises ngayon?"

To start it all off, the Semirara teaching project is now off because the management refused to give us insurance for the duration of our project, for no apparent reason. I guess, it's goodbye to a hefty paycheck, but it wouldn't be right to leave without a safety blanket. Secondly, I am finally designing clothes for a wedding. Pam asked me to meet with her cousin, who's getting married, and discuss designs for her wedding. Ang saya, dahil this is the first time I'm doing formal wear. Nakakatense dahil virgin pa ako sa matinong damit, at di couture. But this is a challenge I'm willing to take on the rollercoaster ride.

On another note, I'm also helping Day with styling athletes for the up and coming magazine for the opening of NCAA in june. So far, I'm having fun, touching on my basic make-up skills and hair styling.

hehe.. Instant training.

Well, I've still got more surprises coming my way, and I can just feel it. By the way, the thai pants orders are still coming and I still have to finish my illustrations, pasahan na sa friday sa MEGA....

ang saya ng buhay na ito ever...pramis.

Diyosanti, now signing off for the meantime...

p.s (i miss my hair na..i kind am growing tired of my current short hair na. rant lang ako ng onti. heehee...(o_O)...(O_o)...btw, the pic is already around 6 months old na.)