...on the third season of Lost..

I guess I just couldn't help it, yes, I dated myself again last night. Happened to see CAKE, starring Heather Graham and a cute guy, in a movie about a free-spirited girl who takes on the job of managing a bridal magazine. I happened to see some PETA friends who also saw the movie. Somehow, the movie fell under the category of a "feel good' movie but am still puzzled how it made me more sad despite the rather light and optimistic ending.

I just can't get my mom's question off my mind...as she asked me this morning if Arvin does reciprocate everything that I give or exert enough effort to make me feel something. I answered a resounding and confident "Yes", even though I knew I was lying". Deep inside my mind i knew that it wasn't the truth. I'm quite to admit that this relationship of ours hasn't really been easy for the both of us. There are days which I really feel lost despite the assurance and trust we give each other. I can't just seem to not feel bad every now and then that He doesn't even drop into my consciousness every now and then...

Piso lang ang text, I try to tell myself.

The ceiling must get tired of listening to my thoughts at night. I'm hesitant of letting this go without getting to the bottom of this, I have this feeling that I might regret all of this very soon. I love Arvin but somehow it's also painful that you're committed to someone yet you feel alone in the middle of the night. I still am looking forward to spending christmas and new year with him, wherever it may be. And yes, Mama has already agreed, I just need to tell Papa.But I know it won't be hard. I just hope I can still hang on and not break into a million pieces before that day comes. I'm just a little confused on what to do or what to think right now, because normally I know what to do in these situations. But i guess I'm so so lost. fucking lost and aching...Do I stay and be faithful, patient and understanding or just pack this relationship and sail another day?...

ho hum.

I just wish I knew what to do at times like this. "Why can't I just bake my cake and eat it too?", I ask myself.

the day breaks, my heart aches...

p.s ( i just feel like crying right now, and it would feel cinematic up to some point in this internet cafe amidst shouting teeny bopper gamers and people surfing porn, but i guess the tears can wait 'til later..)