...learning, unlearning,and letting go...

After being busy for quite a while, I return to write something substantial and hopefully put everything that's bothering my mind to rest.

Yesterday was quite a tense day for me, as Jenny Miller competed for the first time on U Can Dance, she and Ely made it for next week's competition. Donning a modified Marilyn Monroe-esque look, Jenny impressed the judges by bringing her showgirl magic. Ely, on the other hand, became my Elvis Presley, in white fringed pants and standing collar, completing the modern vintage look. Maribeth Bichara remarked that "it was a superb show dance", whilst Alma Moreno told everybody that she was impressed with Jenny and Ely as a pair. Hopefully, I'll be able to help them this week by giving them better costumes as they jive to My Cherie Amor. Tiring as it was, seeing them both weave magic onstage made me feel proud as a costume designer, giving them the extra edge and star quality.

Ho hum.

Just read something my mom saved from her MRT ride the other day, it was a Joe D' Mango column on a gay problem, and somehow it hit something inside me. I guess the article gave me the solution to something that's been bothering me for days now. I've been quite okay these past few weeks after the tumultuous week of my life. Everything seems to be okay, as Ej and me start to talk as friends again, conversing about everything under the sun and what's happening in our lives. But I guess the past few days have signalled a change in wind patterns between us as text messages somehow seem to get lost along the passages of communication. Questions are left unanswered and quotes leak out of nowhere, at the danger of being misinterpreted. What a wicked weave of relations this is. I guess I'm just really torn between what I feel for him and being hurt by our current situation. I think what a fucked up life I have, i suddenly mumble to myself. What can a gay boy who's in love do?

When one discovers that he loves someone, but the circumstance isn't conducive
to that love, is forgetting the only option?

For the sake of everyone, here's what Joe D' Mango writes...

" How do we forget someone? or to put it better, how do we forget someone we love? The answer is simple. we cannot forget the people we love. It is only when we don't love them anymore that we are able to free ourselves from the feeling of affection and attachment. In fact, we don't even remember the people we don't love in the first place.

The key to forgetting is to stop loving. For as long as we still love a person, time and distance doesn't mean anything. They can never diminish or take away that feeling. It is in avoiding that person that you will find the answer. It is in not trying to be away from him that you will be free from what you feel. It is in not wanting to love him that you will find your way to acceptance and recovery. It is in not choosing to love, that you will be free from bondage of this feeling.

We all make choices in life. If loving a person is a preference then not wanting to love that person can also be an option. It is just a matter of deciding which one to take and making sure that we don't look back and regret the choice we made."

Somehow, however hard the thought is to swallow and understand, I realize that it is the only way to survive at this point. Taking away the feeling for the person will be hard but if it will take away this uncertainty and pain, then it is the best option I suppose. And hopefully, in time I will be able to mouth Natalie Portman's words in Closer.

Alice: Yes, I would have loved you... forever. Now, please go. I don't love you anymore. Goodbye...

Well, here's another bright week ahead of me and all of us, leaving no time to weep or grieve for things lost in the wind. By the way I'll be posting pics of my creations and the photo shoots soon, it takes a while converting raw files to jpegs for uploading, heehee...

'Til the next entry. I do hope life gets better after this. I need a break.