...the truth about love...

"this strange season of pain will come to pass..."

-Indigo Girls

Over the past week I've learned that there are only two tragedies in my life:

1. Boy loses boy.

and

2. Boy loses Boy, realizes he really loves Boy, finds Boy again, and loses him again.

And all the while I thought that there was only one tragedy I could go through. By the way, my grandfather died last tuesday, at the age of 83.

And I guess part of me died too, as I realize that there are some mistakes you can never correct, no matter how hard you try to make up for them.

I think my family was right after all, in making me realize that Ej is the person I should be spending the rest of my life with, loving and not be rooted to the memory of someone who chooses to forget me.

Unfortunately, I guess being late is one of my best characteristics, as he now enjoys an almost month-long relationship with Chris. When will I ever perfect my timing and appreciate the most valuable things and people in my life while they're at my grasp?

Ho hum.

Sometimes, I think that the whole world is conspiring against me. Just a thought. After a week of talking it out, crying, and regretting things, I finally decide to walk away from this and be his friend. Ayi,my newfound friend, shared to me that this is a win-win situation. And the least I'll get out of this compromise is having a friend again. I suddenly smiled at that thought, while typing away at Netopia this afternoon. But there's this nagging pain at the base of my heart that gnaws thru this almost perfect set-up.

How do you suppress feelings for someone you love, and keep it at the level of friendship? How do you stop thinking about holding him in your arms, wanting to grow old raising kids with him and kissing him crazy? I guess it's like stopping a train in a second or preventing the sun from rising.

Impossible.

But I guess my utmost respect for the four-letter word, L-O-V-E, pushes me to look beyond my own feelings and see the real situation. To acknowledge that Ej is in a loving and budding relationship with Chris. Even though I know Ej still has feelings for me, I deduce that if there is business ethics, there should also be love ethics. To never ever be in the way of two people's relationship or to plant seeds of confusion in the middle of it all. I must admit that I've already commited the second one, and I refuse to complete the injury. There is this line I now draw between Me and Ej, to separate the past and push towards a new future. I know that this will not be an easy task.

But I guess waiting for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with isn't really that hard to bear. I know that there's this lingering thought that Ej might not gravitate into my life again as a lover very soon, but everyday is learning process for my heart to wait more patiently than the day before. There is only hope left in me now, no more expectations, no more wishes, and no more selfish love...

When you love somebody, you must learn to set them free and find their own happiness. If they come back into your arms, be happy but if they find happiness in another's, be happy still.

To love somebody is to want them to be happy, for even if their happiness lies not in our arms but in another's heaven.

Together again

It would feel so good to be

In your arms

Where all my journeys end

If you can make a promise

If it's one that you can keep,

I vow to come for you

If you wait for me and say you'll hold

A place for me in your heart.

-Tracy Chapman