the tension of connection and disconnection...

The first few months of this year has proved to be interesting for most of my friends and myself. Having witnessed numerous break-ups and new relationships, I am left amazed and enmeshed in the power that these two statements bring into one's life.

"I love you..." and "I'm breaking up with you.."

Having just talked to a friend regarding his own break-up with a partner of four months, I am suddenly confronted with my own demons from past relationships. A conversation pops into my head, involving me and my bestfriend Day.

She asks me, in exasperation over her own break-up..."Sino bang mas makapangyarihan? Yung nangiiwan ba o iniiwan?"

And I am suddenly faced with a montage of statements, from Henry, Stephen , and everyone else who has had their fair share of happiness and heartache. Where do I find myself in this chaotic and otherwise melancholic mix of love and hate? of happiness and heartbreak?

Just as I decided last night, while watching Amelie, that I am ready to enter a relationship, a flurry of questions woke me this morning. At around half past eight am, I am greeted by text messages from prospect partners. One is a 25 year old single dad, whom I have exchanged conversations with am currently engaged to when i turn 25, while the other is 15 year old mature guy whom I wish was of legal age. "Ang ganda mo kasi", I muttered to myself in mixed excitement and paranoia. There are complications here and there if I finally decide who among the two I will entertain.

I think that one should never swim in two pools at the same time, out of sheer respect for everything that love, trust, and commitment stands for.

Ho hum.

At 3:35 am today, I decide to let go of searching for love and finally place this longing inside the glove compartment and put my academic and artistic development in the front seat. I suddenly realize that there are far too many important things to be resolved in my life at this moment, demanding my utmost and full attention and focus. And if my Prince Charming falls into my life during this period of reflection and renovation of priorities, then so be it, but I choose to not look for LOVE at the moment. Tulad ng sabi ni Henry, "Suffering is optional."

And I simply choose not to.