the unbearable weight of uncertainty.

Waking up at 3pm isn't really a fun thing, especially when you've planned to do a million things. Hungry and tired from sleeping, I amuse myself by starting to read something that has been waiting in my Favorites list for the longest time...the Cosmo Bedroom blog. Funny and witty, the blog has kept me for six hours, and counting because I'm still working my way thru February 2006 and I've got three months to go.

The blog exhibits the escapades of a late 20's or early 3o's woman living in the US, and her personal quips about life, sex, love and friendships. With similarities to Sex and the City, the Cosmo Bedroom blog really makes you sit at the end of your seat and glued to your computer screen. K, the main character, goes thru rollercoaster rides in her relationships with yummy and interesting men.

Ho hum. She really makes me cringe at the thought of having another relationship, as she meets all of these rather dynamic variety of men with their own quirks.

Over late lunch, I was suddenly faced with this unexplainable fear.

"What if I get so used to not having relationships, then I harden inside and become too indepedent?", I suddenly mutter to myself. My mom just looks at me with confusion on this sudden wild mind question, hugs me then smiles at me as she heads to the C.R to take her shower.

I texted Pao this evening, the 25 year old single dad, and told him about having to deal with this two days of silence from him. I guess I've never really been good at this way back then, having to be vocal about my feeling but I guess one has to start somewhere, right? I told him that I have decided that I didn't need this silence and uncertainty, and that this was the time to end it. I told Pao that if he saw a possibility in us being together he had to call me til 12 midnight, and if he didn't then just let the text messages pass. You may deduce that I am a bossy and demanding bitch with those statements, and I wouldn't blame you for that. I guess feeding myself uncertainty for almost a year after Red and I broke up, didn't help me realize the process of moving on and my self-worth. I have ceased to become blind and a martyr, that is why I saw no other way but to tell him what I felt.

For those of you have no idea on how the silence came to be, I'll give you the low-down. About three or four days ago, Pao woke me with these two text messages.

Message One:

"I called your haws but you were not there. I miss you so much, hope 2 hear your voice.Miss you and love you..."

Message Two:

" I'm so sorry Jay if I wasn't able to answer your calls. Di ko lang naririnig ung rings. If you have time, please do call me so-Pao"

I'd just like to reiterate that my name is Santi, for everyone who suddenly forgot my name. Back to the story...I then sent him a text asking him if it was a joke and that I was confused because of the texts. But he didn't answer. Day even asked what the text was all about since I suddenly contorted my face from sunny to cloudy in an instant. I kept my cool since he didn't answer. All day long, I was left with questions..."Was it a joke or not?" or "Was he was just playing with me?"

People we're telling me that you don't just text people that way as a form of joke, and my heart twitched because somehow I knew that it was true. Pao woke me up the next morning at around 8:30am with a phone call, and I am not even a morning person, He was on his way home from work and just had enough time to change clothes for a presentation deadline. He asked me if my silence yesterday was due to the "text messages". I told him that it was part of it. Pao then explained that it was a joke, and that "nagpapansin lang siya". I then made a mental note to myself not to use this method of catching my friend's attention. He then asked me if I wasn't believing that explanation and then I mumbled something I couldn't remember. Pao then told me he missed me, then bid me goodbye with a quick "i love you"...I stupidly answered back, "I love you too"..

I guess, I should've listened to Henry's advice after all. And just say thank you when people mutter I love you's without hesitance, at your expense.

Well, here's me thinking outloud at 2:44am and wondering where all of this goes. Ho hum. I guess I should be getting to the dishes waiting in the sink, at least after a bit of scrubbing and mosquito bites, I have achieved a fairytalesque ending...with clean and squeaky clean plates.

Btw, Pao called while I went out for a walk, unfortunately he didn't call my landline again when I texted him that I was back. Ho hum. What a shitty day this has been, besides reading the Cosmo blog.

Ho hum. It really makes me excited on how tomorrow will unfold.