...the transience of things and being professionally single..

I know this is long overdue, having been too busy to even spend my birthday . Yes, I regret to inform all of you that I was rehearsing and working on the day of my birthday and dancing my ass off, because we had a show the day after that. I must admit that I didn't feel very well, not being able to spend it with my family and even have a normal family dinner. And yes, I plan to make amends as soon as February is finished. Maybe, I'll treat the Brady bunch to a dinner at my favorite restaurant...Hap Chang...hurrah..

Somehow, I still can't believe that I am now 23 years old. Parang ang bilis ng panahon masyado, and I got lost in the activities that transpired althroughout last year. I'd like to give you a rundown of the happenings in my life but I feel that most of them are in this blog already that it'll be useless to do so. ho hum...

The Cavite show went well, despite my lack of sleep and stress, I still succeeded in pulling off a good performance. Somehow, Tuliro came out well with the aid of my not-so-recent break-up with Arvin.

It's actually so surprising how many people wanted to comfort me at that time, asking me whether I was okay and if my heart was in the right place. Some of my friends even checked my arm for slashes, only to find I have successfully moved on from that "so-high school" catharsis of mine. So many people asked me how I felt and what happened, and all I could say is that "I'm okay, and I didn't feel like crying because nothing hurt inside."

And that was the comforting truth. I couldn't feel any regret nor remorse from ending my relationship with Arvin, mainly because I could no longer feel him in that relationship add that to the fact that he was "loving" someone else whilst "loving" me. But subtracting that fact, which was only known to me after I broke off the relationship, I knew it was headed for the dumpster already the moment we shared the last kiss. Somehow, when you've been kissing someone for so many times, every kiss has a story to tell.

I would've wanted our story to end more dramatically in a Gone With the Wind splendor, but the 5-month courtship/relationship ended in almost 6 hours without him giving much of a fight. It would've been great if Arvin actually dispelled all of my doubts that something fishy was going on, much to my dismay. But even heroes do fall from their heaven, as I say. The only regret I have at this point, is wasting my time and emotions on a person who wasn't there for me or this relationship much of the time. Yes, I know that ours was a long distance relationship, yet I felt that he wasn't even trying his best to be here, except for the fact that he came for christmas and met my family, for us. Besides that, I'd have to say that it was a relationship fuelled by poetry and long distance longing, that somehow wasn't enough, sad to say..

Writing a poem seemed to be the perfect ending to cap of the relationship, as a poem brought us together for the first time in G4M...A poem for a love that blazed so strong that it blew out all of my candles.

I was actually thinking of ym status the other day, to quantify my status and finally came up with Professionally Single. A person who's single because he chooses to concentrate on his career and make himself better through projects and activities whilst enjoying the singularity of his life.

Looks like this status will stick for quite some time, cos I need to save up and build my atelier from the ground up...buying machines and getting more clients.. ho hum..

Here's to another year of dreaming, love, art and chaos....

p.s (salamat ng marami sa mga bumati sa akin nung birthday ko at bumabati pa rin hanggang ngayon. I deliberately moved my birthday from feb 18 to a different date on friendster to find out who'd remember my birthday despite the loss of a digital reminder. heehee...and somehow, it was a fun experience...)

p.s ng p.s (watch out for the new pics of my latest garment creations, from dance costumes to formal wear...and more of my musings soon..)

for arvin..( maraming salamat sa ilang buwan ng pagkaaliw at pagpapalitan ng mga kuro-kuro ukol sa buhay, pag-ibig at sining. I also thought "Us" would stand longer than this but I guess this is our destiny. May you find the happiness that was destined for you all along...)

..through the looking glass..

i am the owner
of this heart that no longer beats
for you

you were the sweet december
that took five months to bloom
that burned with a passion so strong
that it blew out all of my candles

boarding the train to the neverland of hearts
mornings do come, as Alice said
where this tree unhinges
its roots from your memory

opening the door
to room 2046 of dreams
i look back at all the the rose petals caught in mid-air
wondering if there really is a happy ending
beneath all these
wishful thinking and passionate goodbyes

my step is unsure
and the wind breaks from the right side
breathing my last, i look back at you
leaving you a burning farewell kiss
as i step off and
abandon ship.

He didn't turn back.
It's as if he boarded a very long train headed for a drowsy future through the unfathomable night.
Everyone who goes to 2046 has the same intention: they want to recapture lost memories.

Because in 2046, nothing ever changes.
But nobody really knows if that is true or not

because nobody has ever come back.

-Chow Mo-Wan, in Wong Kar-Wai's 2046

..in between the stars, i am lost...

..at 2:15am, i find myself numb...

...i can't feel anything, and i don't know what's wrong with my heart..

and the worst part is that i want to break-up and just drown in work.

but i'm not sure if that's what i really need....

...and if i'll regret this

like the last one.