...gateway moment with sir glenn...

Kagabi, sa pagitan ng isang malaking basong Ice tea at Coke ay sinubukan naming himayin ang mga tanong ng puso. Naguguluhan man, namutawi ang kasaysayan sa gitna ng palihan..

Kagabi, naisip ko yung isang quip tungkol sa pag-ibig..."The heart is a lonely hunter."

Lalo kong napag-isipan ang sarili kong kinalalagyan sa panahong ito sa panig ng relasyon at pag-ibig, at lalo akong nahintakutan sa kung saan ko pupulutin ang puso sa pagitan ng kaguluhang ito. I must admit that I have been misleading a certain person with the signals I sent, and I am very sorry for causing any hurting or adding confusion to the situation.

It hasn't been easy for me to realize that all my playing around has led me lost in the fast paced world of adult life and the sad part is that I'm not sure how to solve this tangled discourse and get to the middle of the clearing. Quoting a good friend of mine, "This summer has been a crazy rollercoaster ride.." and all I want to do is get off for now, puke my insides out and shake off this spinning sensation in the bottom of my stomach.

The considerable number of replies to my previous and quite serious blog entry is very much comforting and enlightening at the same time, making me realize points I have never come across in this lost-ness. Somehow, being acquainted with so many people intimately is like lending your money to total strangers. Having to put out much of yourself and giving it away, not entirely sure if there would be something that'll come back to you. I must admit that I do get something out of the casual encounters but the enlightenment is outweighed by this unbearable knot in my life.

Everything just feels a bit queer...

At tulad ni Sir Glenn, parang gusto ko na rin munang magbakasyon

at lumayo...

para mag-isip

para mag-change of scenery

para makalanghap ng sariwang hangin

para maging tao uli.

...napulot ko lang sa tabi-tabi...

"No amount of favors, flowers, gifts, help, kindness, service, etc. will change the beat of his heart unless he sees you as his perfect match.

Loving you back is not a calculation of his mind in response to what you do but an irrational, unquantifiable and beautiful auto response to plainly seeing you doing absolutely nothing."

~Arnell Ignacio

..Lonely friday night, all the stars came down to drink the night away..

Friday, and i find myself infront of the computer, lost and confused. Somehow, I just can't put my finger on what it is that keeps on haunting me these past few days, and it weighs me down. I'm kinda scared, and feeling so vulnerable at whatever the end might be and where do I find myself.

"When you're fucking so many people, somehow, it's always your heart and mind that gets fucked up in the end."

I keep telling that to people but it seems I was hyprocritical about it all this time. Don't get me wrong, I am not the image of perfection nor a saint. I always thought that I needed to experience life, not just the middle but also the extremes so that in the end I wouldn't have any regrets nor second thoughts. But somehow, I didn't realize that with each person I shared the night with, the more unsure I'd be of myself rather than uncover an unknown territory. I'm afraid that I am starting to be numb.

Bit by bit, everyday, it seems that I'm being emptied of all the feeling and surety that I once had. I no longer have the power to decide immediately if I need something or not. The transcience of the casual rendezvous is suddenly getting the best of me. And I'm slowly losing grip of who I am.

I just want to stop spinning.

6 degrees at the CCP...

In celebration
of the 30th Anniversary
of Philippine High School for the Arts,
two Palanca award winning plays will be
performed back to back by the Sipat Lawin Ensemble:

six degrees

AGNOIA ni Liza Magtoto (based on the short story "Horosope" by Eli Gueb III)
SALA SA PITO ni George de Jesus III

May 11, 2007 7:30pm
May 12, 2007 3pm & 7:30pm
May 13, 2007 3pm

Venue: Tanghalang Huseng Batute, CCP
Ticket price:P200

I'll be performing on these dates:
May 11, 2007 , 7:30pm
May 12, 2007 3pm and 7:30 pm

Just message me here for ticket discounts and inquiries..You can also text or call me at 09212609595, to reserve or inquire. Just make sure you leave your name at the end of the message.

Thanks..

santi
[ ang pambansang bakla ng pilipinas ]