..the fine, fine line..

After browsing for familiar people on guys4men.com, I suddenly came across a profile which brought to mind a phone conversation that happened a year ago. My friend Rom and I had our first phone conversation that lasted for about four hours. He sang me this song from a musical called Avenue Q, about an idea about love. It was a very poignant song, yet the meaning didn't really strike me at that time. It was only these past few days that it's meaning revealed itself to me.

A fine, fine line.

from Avenue Q...

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye.
"I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of your time.

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time.

I just hope that everything wasn't really in vain, nor a waste of time...

p.s ( Slept too much today and just attended rehearsals. By the way, Jenny Miller and Ely Damasin (my dream team) made it to semi-finals, at makakapahinga ako ng mga isa't kalahating buwan..heehee...Yun lang.)

...The Salon...

The Salon

(for my good friend, Peej.)

Damien stared at his own reflection in the mirror, not minding the blur of people moving up and about. "This is the last time I'm getting bullied into getting a haircut.", he thought to himself, as this was the nth time his mom bribed and forced him to get one. It was beginning to be a ritual that he was starting to get sick of. His mom's voice resounding like a horrid echo, "I guess unruly hair really runs in the family, and I'm not planning to have cave man for a son."

He was getting tired of the waiting but didn't plan on associating himself with the magazines and other publications available at his tableside. An attendant tapped his shoulder,"Sir, lipat na lang po tayo dun sa may likod para masimulan na po natin ang gupit nyo.", and signalled him somewhere three chairs away from where he was sitting. Damien sighed at thought of having to carry his heavy backpack and transfer. He then picked up his stuff and dragged his feet, found the seat, dropped his yellow Jansport on the shiny tiled floor, and slumped on the chair. Damien then started to look again at his reflection in the mirror and made faces, turning his face a little bit to the right and again to the left. Grinning like a school boy and the other moment like a dashing cavalier. He then looked for his best angle, moving his head up and down, right to left again and smiling like a fool. It was when he swung to the left that he noticed a pair of eyes staring at him, through the mirror. All of a sudden, he felt the need to straighten up and sit properly.

The bells then chimed as a customer walked out of the salon, Damien saw this as a good opportunity to get a better look at his audience. He then pretended to get something from his backpack and tried his best to get a glimpse. His audience turned out to be a man around his age too, much taller, wearing thin-rimmed glasses, garbed in light blue long sleeves and black slacks. Damien turned his gaze at the man's shiny and pointed shoes and found it amusing. "Must be Italian.", Damien mumbled to himself. But he took so much time admiring his stalker that the man lifted his eyes from the magazine that he was leafing thru, and met Damien's eyes.

For once in his life, he felt vulnerable, as if the whole world suddenly melted away into nothingness and he was face to face with Cupid himself. Damien opened his mouth but no words came out, and all he could muster was a big smile. The man returned the gesture and gave him a wink, removed his glasses and continued to stare at Damien. At that moment, one of the attendants approached the man and gave him his receipt and change. After the attendant walked away, the man slowly picked up his glasses and briefcase on the side table.

"I have to think fast." , Damien thought to himself. Then he met the guy's gaze again and smiled. The man then gave him a sad puppy dog look, as if to signal his departure. Damien then reached for his phone, fumbled with the keypad and found his phonebook. He then held it up at the man and whispered, "Can I get your number?". The man's smile widened at those words and walked over to Damien's side of the room and reached for the phone. The man then consciously brushed his hand against Damien's wrist before getting the phone and typing in his contact numbers and putting in his name. He then gave the phone back to Damien and gave his last smile before walking out the door, with the bells sounding his exit .

Damien couldn't believe what he just did, and he could still feel the electricity from that brush of skin on skin. He could still feel the heat emanating from his phone, and remembered that the man left his number. On the screen he found heaven, NATHAN 09212609595.

"I guess having a haircut isn't really that bad.", he thought to himself as the attendant started to snip here and there. Damien then smiled at his reflection and grinned like a school boy in love.

...the perils of boredom galore...

These are some of the pics I played with, this evening, stolen from the shoot at La Mesa Eco park...

...boredom strikes once again...

..Saw this questionnaire result on one of my friends' blogs, just wanted to try it out for myself, and how I'd fare.

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is high.You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.And in return, you expect the same from who you love.Any sign of straying, and you'll end things. Experience Level: Your experience level is high. You've loved, lost, and loved again.You have had a wide range of love experiences.And when the real thing comes along, you know it! Dominance: Your dominance is low.This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced. You know a relationship is not about getting your way. And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom. Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is low. This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships..It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

The Five Variable Love Test

...the birth of flight...

...happy for you...

I would love to tell you that everything will workout for us,and I promise to do all I can to make sure it does.

But if we never meet again and this is truly goodbye, I know we will see each other again in another life,

We will find each other again and maybe, hopefully the stars will have changed

And we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we’ve had before and we will have.

...creations out of boredom...

These are cd stickers I did today, during lull time this afternoon. I made these to cover the music cd's i bought before lunch time.

Ho hum. boredom really makes you create the darndest things...

...learning, unlearning,and letting go...

After being busy for quite a while, I return to write something substantial and hopefully put everything that's bothering my mind to rest.

Yesterday was quite a tense day for me, as Jenny Miller competed for the first time on U Can Dance, she and Ely made it for next week's competition. Donning a modified Marilyn Monroe-esque look, Jenny impressed the judges by bringing her showgirl magic. Ely, on the other hand, became my Elvis Presley, in white fringed pants and standing collar, completing the modern vintage look. Maribeth Bichara remarked that "it was a superb show dance", whilst Alma Moreno told everybody that she was impressed with Jenny and Ely as a pair. Hopefully, I'll be able to help them this week by giving them better costumes as they jive to My Cherie Amor. Tiring as it was, seeing them both weave magic onstage made me feel proud as a costume designer, giving them the extra edge and star quality.

Ho hum.

Just read something my mom saved from her MRT ride the other day, it was a Joe D' Mango column on a gay problem, and somehow it hit something inside me. I guess the article gave me the solution to something that's been bothering me for days now. I've been quite okay these past few weeks after the tumultuous week of my life. Everything seems to be okay, as Ej and me start to talk as friends again, conversing about everything under the sun and what's happening in our lives. But I guess the past few days have signalled a change in wind patterns between us as text messages somehow seem to get lost along the passages of communication. Questions are left unanswered and quotes leak out of nowhere, at the danger of being misinterpreted. What a wicked weave of relations this is. I guess I'm just really torn between what I feel for him and being hurt by our current situation. I think what a fucked up life I have, i suddenly mumble to myself. What can a gay boy who's in love do?

When one discovers that he loves someone, but the circumstance isn't conducive
to that love, is forgetting the only option?

For the sake of everyone, here's what Joe D' Mango writes...

" How do we forget someone? or to put it better, how do we forget someone we love? The answer is simple. we cannot forget the people we love. It is only when we don't love them anymore that we are able to free ourselves from the feeling of affection and attachment. In fact, we don't even remember the people we don't love in the first place.

The key to forgetting is to stop loving. For as long as we still love a person, time and distance doesn't mean anything. They can never diminish or take away that feeling. It is in avoiding that person that you will find the answer. It is in not trying to be away from him that you will be free from what you feel. It is in not wanting to love him that you will find your way to acceptance and recovery. It is in not choosing to love, that you will be free from bondage of this feeling.

We all make choices in life. If loving a person is a preference then not wanting to love that person can also be an option. It is just a matter of deciding which one to take and making sure that we don't look back and regret the choice we made."

Somehow, however hard the thought is to swallow and understand, I realize that it is the only way to survive at this point. Taking away the feeling for the person will be hard but if it will take away this uncertainty and pain, then it is the best option I suppose. And hopefully, in time I will be able to mouth Natalie Portman's words in Closer.

Alice: Yes, I would have loved you... forever. Now, please go. I don't love you anymore. Goodbye...

Well, here's another bright week ahead of me and all of us, leaving no time to weep or grieve for things lost in the wind. By the way I'll be posting pics of my creations and the photo shoots soon, it takes a while converting raw files to jpegs for uploading, heehee...

'Til the next entry. I do hope life gets better after this. I need a break.

the U Can Dance Experience..

These are the pictures from the first taping of the program... This is my dream team Jenny Miller and Ely...

Me, with my dream team, after their piece.

Ely and Jenny in Action...

...thinking outloud...

...everything's falling from the heavens...

The past two days seemed to be a blur consisting of meetings, rehearsals with Jenny (since she and Eli are competing this sunday, as Alwyn and Tetchie fail to make the cut), dinner meeting with Arsi Baltazar (regarding Njork) and a business proposal from Mari Hilario. Everything that I've been wishing for this year is actually happening; someone who's willing to mentor me in fashion design, work before i graduate, to move out of my house and pursue fashion full time, find the person whom I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with and start a bank account.

I'm just happy that almost everything I've ever wanted is falling from the heavens, besides Prince Charming, I deduce that he'll just drop in sometime soon. After all, I'm still preparing the things I want for my family like a house for my parents, paid college tuition fees for my brothers, my own car and house. Maybe, by the time I reach thirty, I would've saved up enough moolah to marry him and fly everybody to Palawan or somewhere secluded for a weekend getaway. Well, enough wishful thinking, and back to reality. I'm not rushing into anything naman, just patiently waiting and living my life one day at a time. After all, I'm just 22. By the way, my friend Nathan sent me this message, after reading my whole blog, and I am so touched and inspired that I'd like to share it with anybody who gets to read this.

nathan

06/08/2006

good luck sa lahat ng mga pinapasok mo... and if there is one thing i have in mind about your blog on relationship, God will surely give you one even if you have work -- and i'm sure He'll help you work out a sched and give you an undestanding partner... and if things would be rough, try to patch things up... problems have solutions... questions have answers... you know what i mean... : )

Had a lengthy and inspiring talk with Jaja, a few hours ago, on how we'll survive as young designers/entrepreneurs at this time. And we came up with very good options and visions. I guess two heads are really better than one. Here I am typing away at 2am, hoping that the good things don't stop flowing and the good opportunities don't stop coming .This is what I've always dreamt of, to help other people in the process and make their lives better.

Lastly, I am asking all of you to pray for Jenny Miller and her partner, Ely, as they tape on Sunday for U Can Dance...

Here's me signing off for now...

but i'll be posting pictures of my recent creations over the next few days,so watch out..

padayon,

sants.

...old poems for such a new chapter...

After a tiring day, meeting with Kuya Cris and Neomi, picking clothes for Che, and taking measurements for Makiling Ensemble, I suddenly find myself in front of a computer here at netopia shopwise and still a bit lost from the things that happened today.

At 8 am, I find myself awakened by machine gun texts from one of Ate Kris' friends whom will be having her wedding in December. At 2pm, I am surprised to see another of Ate Kris's friends texting me telling me that she's looking for a designer for her May wedding next year. I suddenly find myself smiling at the thought that job opportunities are currently falling from the heavens and landing onto my lap. The only thing that's not falling from the heavens is the one guy that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with, aka Prince Charming.

Ho hum.

Don't get me wrong, I guess I'm being ushered into the real world even before I graduate. Add the fact that I have a business meeting with Arsi Baltazar for his brand, Njork, on Tuesday. I'm still having a difficult time taking it all in, as everything is happening at a very fast pace. Sometimes I run out of breath.

Minsan tuloy, iniisip ko na magiging manang na lang talaga ako habambuhay. And all I'll have is this work. no time for lovin, I guess. Well, to break the work theme, I've decided to post a few poems from the past and hopefully they'll capture the bird of solitude that sings upon my bed at night.

Here they are.

ang ritwal ng paghuhugas ng pinggan

(ngayong basag ako at natututong lumaya)
ni santi obcena

nangilid sa aking mga mata

ang mga luhang naghintay ng ilang araw

para bumulwak ng tuluyan

tulad ng

ulan
sa labas

sa sulok ng silid ay

tumawag ng pansin ang

mga pinggang

naghintay rin at nangulila

nagmamantika

nagsesebo

iniipis

at

nalamatan na
tulad ng puso ko.

kaya't dahan-dahang

pinihit ang gripo

sabay dampot ng

scotchbrite at joy
at nagsimula ang proseso ng pagkuskos

sa lahat ng mga alaala ng
pira-pirasong pizza nung huling party ng barkada
tirang gin-pomelo

sa pitsel na bulaklakin nang matutunan mong 'di patas ang mundo

spaghetti sauce

sa mga mangkok at tinidor nung

atakihin tayon ng lumbay, isang gabi
chocolate cake sa ilang platito at pinggang kinainan

kanina lamang
ilang hagod lang at unti-unting bumitaw

ang sebo't mantika

sa ilang patak ng joy
at luha.

sa ilang saglit

nabura ko na rin ang lahat

pangungulila
at pait ng pamamaalam

sa 'yong mga salita.

*for my little prince, who made all of my stars laugh and cry at the same time...and i, the fox who cries because you have tamed me. *

dearest passenger

santi obcena

i have never seen your face

again

after that fateful day on the train

you

chose this

endless ride to anonymity,

while i

settled for a life in the sun

the twisted light

reminds me of the laughter

you once held in your palms

then you said to me

drink from this fountain

that spurts forth this uncontainable happiness

from your lips

the fool,

unable to resist the urge

fell for the trick

and currently suffers the consequences

then you

push me off the train

leaving me

alone on the platform filled with faceless men

and women

while

you, on the other hand

sped off into an artificial sunset

with your self-righteous world.

happiness is such an underrated word.

mahal

santi obcena

ilang guhit

sa braso

ang katumbas ng

paglimot sa 'yo

ilang basang

panyo at unan

ang kailangang iyakan

upang ang iyong imahe'y

matangay na ng ulan

ilang maghapon

ang bubunuing

nakatanaw sa mga

panganorin

bubulwak

ang mga alaala

kasabay ng pag-agos

ng dugo at luha

kasabay ng pag

tik tak tik tak

ng relo

kasabay ng pag-ihip ng hangin

at pagsayaw ng mga dahon sa himpapawid

isang hapon

ay titingala ka rin

sa langit

at huhugot ng isang

alaala mula

sa baul ng kahapon

at muli kang babalik sa mga bisig ko

mananatili ako

sa saglit na iyon

at 'di na aalis

papailanlang ka't

tatangayin

ng bukangliwayway

nang sa paggising

ko'y

bura na ang bakas

ng alaala

mo sa aking

panagimpan.

"for even if your happiness lies not in my arms, my heavens shall abide..."

...the remains of this day...

Just got from a day of shooting the fashion spread for BLIP magazine, I am burnt out and tired. Haven't really slept yet since yesterday, coz I was afraid of not making it on time for the 7am call time today. Unfortunately, I wore the wrong pair of shoes today, causing my feet to birth blisters by the time I arrived in school. luckily, Malcolm brought an extra pair of slippers. We got lost somewhere in Novaliches because the driver followed the wrong map, luckily I woke up and told the driver the correct way. Arrived at La Mesa Eco park at around 12nn and proceeded to shoot the six layouts (3 each for girls and the boys). I am proud to say that the pictures turned out well and that it surpassed my initial expectations. I am eternally grateful to everyone who made this pictorial possible: Joanah (my over-all editor), Charles and Noel (our talented photographers, for bearing with my quirky photo concepts and perspectives), Jgo, Karla, and Malcolm (for helping me with assisting, styling, hair and make-up), Joseph and Nick (for the additional transportation vehicle) and Kuya (for driving us to the venue and back to csb safely) and last but not the least...our very talented models. Patty, Michelle, Hannah, Reggie, Robbie and Vernon (thank you for lending us the beauty and talent that God has given to you, and also your time, effort and patience.)

Grabe, pare ang init dun, pramis...Nagpawis pati kaluluwa ko.

I guess I'm just happy that despite the stress, pagod and last minute childish tantrums, the concept was born into reality thru collaboration. I guess the load becomes easier when shared with friends. I'll post some of the pics as soon as the raw files get converted. I just told myself that I can do this for a living, doing art concepts, styling, photo shoots and the job of sittings director.

That actually excited me a bit as I related that concept to Noel and Charles, maybe someday we'll be able to do this again soon.

Heehee... fun fun fun happy happy joy joy ...

...and diyosa at ang kanyang long lost boyfriend.

...Here's my picture taken at SM Mall of Asia, last June 2, with my long lost boyfriend.

I was whisked off by my sister, Dianne and friends. We saw "Failure to Launch", and enjoyed the sights there...I kinda experimented on the pic, to kill time while I'm waiting for a photographer.

What a day!

By the way, I got a call from Kuya Bobot Lota, a production designer, and he wants me to do costume design for a season show of Ballet Philippine on December. I was very flattered that he actually searched for me and even gave me a call. He was very impressed with my work in PETA's Romulus D' Grayt. Maybe I can post a few pics of the costumes, when I do get a copy. Well, I hope that my family arrived safely at our home already. And my two days of stillness and quiet in the house has now ended. Ho hum. And I was already getting used to it.

I just finished ironing some of the clothes that we got from Van Heusen and Folded and Hung. And I have a 7am call time for a photo shoot as we're doing for BLIP (Benildean Lifestyle in Print) magazine. For this issue, we're featuring the business related side of college life at CSB, putting the limelight on courses like Export Management, Iformation Technology and other business/corporate courses. We will also be doing articles on making the perfect resume, ten pieces you need in your wardrobe to survive the corporate life, and other interesting stuff like music, movie, and food reviews. And our fashion lay-out theme is Corporate Jungle, so we're shooting on location at the La Mesa Eco-Park.

Yehey! I'll be styling, doing the make-up and stand as the sittings director tomorrow, so I guess I need to drop by 7-11 and get my sugar fix ...Looks like it's gonna be a tiring day once again...

heehee..

...viva narcissismo with friends..

Just found pics of myself on the office network, and chose to post them here to change the gloomy atmosphere of the few last entries...

hooray for narcissism.

This was taken before the Dulaang Filipino Theater Festival award ceremonies, with Dianne (black dress), Robby (Sushi boy in gray shirt), Joannah, Yuggy (Angas boy in white polo and red tie), and Jam.

These are our singit shots from the NCAA magazine pictorial, taken by Charles Custodio, featuring my make-up on Joannah and Dianne. hehe...mukha kaming mag-on ni Caloy (kapag tinanggal silang lahat).

Yeehee..wala lang...pangulit lang, ilang minuto bago ako umalis para manuod ng sine sa gateway...yeehee...

...and the world whirrs to life again..

After a rollercoaster ride last week, I guess everything on my side of the world comes back in full throttle as I go return to reality. For one brief week, time and all the universe stood still for me. Natuwa naman ako, may internal arrangement kasi kami ng Diyos tungkol sa pag-ibig at sa tamang oras para sa pag-ibig. Sabi ko kasi sa Diyos, kung sa palagay niya ay 'di pa panahon para sa pag-ibig ay tambakan niya ako ng trabaho pero kung tama na ang panahon ay patigilin niya ang lahat. Masaya naman ako na tumigil ang mundo kahit saglit lang.

Ho hum.

Tomorrow is another busy day, as we go to Van Heusen and F&H for clothing pull-outs for BLIP magazine. Looks like that'll run 'til about 4pm. Then I might have time to watch the 7pm screening of X-men at Gateway, I've been meaning to catch a movie over the past two weeks and I guess this is the only time that the finances are good tsaka onti lang ang trabaho.

By the way, the first taping for U CAN DANCE! happened last Sunday and I survived my first ABS-CBN experience. I'll try to upload some pics of me and my creation worn by Jenny Miller and Eli (her partner), when Ziggy sends me the pics. At least I'm happy that my couple was not chosen to compete this week, so that leaves me enough time to work on the next concept and rearrange my life.

Here's me looking forward to working on Ate Kris' wedding entourage again and improving my academic status, since i haven't been able to attend my classes last week and this monday. So I've got a bit of backlog on my hands, but I know I'll be able to swing it.

Anyways, everybody's going to Tarlac later for my Lolo's funeral and I'm the only one who won't be able to go since I need to stay and guard the house, and go to school. Looks like I'm the houseboy for the moment.

I hope everything figures out this week, with all the shards scattered around it's hard not to cut myself and cry again but I know that there's something good coming my way soon.

Can't wait...

...the truth about love...

"this strange season of pain will come to pass..."

-Indigo Girls

Over the past week I've learned that there are only two tragedies in my life:

1. Boy loses boy.

and

2. Boy loses Boy, realizes he really loves Boy, finds Boy again, and loses him again.

And all the while I thought that there was only one tragedy I could go through. By the way, my grandfather died last tuesday, at the age of 83.

And I guess part of me died too, as I realize that there are some mistakes you can never correct, no matter how hard you try to make up for them.

I think my family was right after all, in making me realize that Ej is the person I should be spending the rest of my life with, loving and not be rooted to the memory of someone who chooses to forget me.

Unfortunately, I guess being late is one of my best characteristics, as he now enjoys an almost month-long relationship with Chris. When will I ever perfect my timing and appreciate the most valuable things and people in my life while they're at my grasp?

Ho hum.

Sometimes, I think that the whole world is conspiring against me. Just a thought. After a week of talking it out, crying, and regretting things, I finally decide to walk away from this and be his friend. Ayi,my newfound friend, shared to me that this is a win-win situation. And the least I'll get out of this compromise is having a friend again. I suddenly smiled at that thought, while typing away at Netopia this afternoon. But there's this nagging pain at the base of my heart that gnaws thru this almost perfect set-up.

How do you suppress feelings for someone you love, and keep it at the level of friendship? How do you stop thinking about holding him in your arms, wanting to grow old raising kids with him and kissing him crazy? I guess it's like stopping a train in a second or preventing the sun from rising.

Impossible.

But I guess my utmost respect for the four-letter word, L-O-V-E, pushes me to look beyond my own feelings and see the real situation. To acknowledge that Ej is in a loving and budding relationship with Chris. Even though I know Ej still has feelings for me, I deduce that if there is business ethics, there should also be love ethics. To never ever be in the way of two people's relationship or to plant seeds of confusion in the middle of it all. I must admit that I've already commited the second one, and I refuse to complete the injury. There is this line I now draw between Me and Ej, to separate the past and push towards a new future. I know that this will not be an easy task.

But I guess waiting for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with isn't really that hard to bear. I know that there's this lingering thought that Ej might not gravitate into my life again as a lover very soon, but everyday is learning process for my heart to wait more patiently than the day before. There is only hope left in me now, no more expectations, no more wishes, and no more selfish love...

When you love somebody, you must learn to set them free and find their own happiness. If they come back into your arms, be happy but if they find happiness in another's, be happy still.

To love somebody is to want them to be happy, for even if their happiness lies not in our arms but in another's heaven.

Together again

It would feel so good to be

In your arms

Where all my journeys end

If you can make a promise

If it's one that you can keep,

I vow to come for you

If you wait for me and say you'll hold

A place for me in your heart.

-Tracy Chapman

second chances.

Mistakes make you think...They make you realize what you had...

What you've lost and you've taken for granted.

They make you realize that sometimes, there are no next times, no time outs, nor second chances...

p.s (sana lang ay di ito totoo...nangangarap ako.)