the boy stares at the stars and weeps.

The boy lays on his bed, staring at the ceiling, wishing everything would just dissolve into nothingness so he could see the stars. Everything else in his room was a blur, similar to that day. He couldn't even recognize his own pictures, nor the painted nymphs on the walls, with all these tears in his eyes.

"You're too late.", he muttered to himself.

" for you i'd bleed myself dry..."

...sa lilim ng buwan.

paalam na, aking anghel
lumisan na't malayo pa
ang lalakbayin
patungo sa bukas na walang
kasiguruhan
patungo sa kahapong di man lang
pagmasdan

tanglaw ang buwan sa iyong
daan
nagtatanong bakit ka raw lilisan
sa mga bisig na kinahihimlayan
hayaan munang kita'y iduyan

hayaang mong hagkan ko ang mga bituin
wala ka man sa 'king piling
nadarama ang iyong init sa
kanilang ningning
hayaan mong isayaw kita
sa lilim ng buwan
at ihele bago ka lumisan
at sa habang panaho'y buhayin ka
kahit sa alaala lamang.

lost in translation...

I am lost
in this eternal maze

a labyrinth of dreams
a bag full of questions
left to spill
onto the floor

I am bathed
in this darkness

between my bed and
ceiling
lies this early morning
threatening to burst forth
with the splendor of
ten thousand new years

for your memory resides
in between
the

s

t

a

r

s

where i am lost
and finding me
in

y

o

u.

...breaking the spell...

"All the spells of this broken heart come undone..."
---After All.

After almost four years of penning the lyrics for that song, I suddenly realize that it is just quite imposible for me to achieve what it implies. I guess that "moving on" is one of the hardest things I've never really accomplished. And it is always easier said than done. I've always just scratched the surface of this immortal longing. "You're forgiven, not forgotten", The Corrs reiterated to me.

The past few months have been the most interesting months I've ever had, I've met the most interesting people and taken on mundane and worthwhile projects for people whom I never thought would be my clients. But I must admit that I've never been this tired and busy in all the 22 years of my existence.

I have come to learn that it pays to never sweat too much on the little insignificant things in your life but rather work on the things and projects that will help you arrive to your goal. Forge relationships with people whom you think will be good for you. Sometimes they say that achieving your goal and being positive is all about surrounding yourself with the right people.

I was talking to Pj on Ym the other day, and I asked him if he was happy? I've always had this habit of popping that question randomly into any conversation, just to know how they look at their lives at that precise moment.

Santi : masaya ka ba?

PJ: generally, yes

PJ: there are things i want but i am happy

PJ: the things i want i cannot change and with age and maturity i am learning to be content.

PJ: hence, i can say i am happy

After hearing that, I suddenly realized the very essence of life, which is to be content with what I have right now and accept the triumphs and waterloos of my story. I deduce that one can never have his or her fairytale- esque ending or state of living because life is a mere escalation of needs, wants, opportunities, capabilities, choices and resourcess. Learning to accept that current level you are in and be contented with it is an art that is hard to master. While channeling what you've got and what you can do to get to where you want to be is a big challenge

Just to let everyone know, I still have my hands full right now with the wedding entourage, school (Yes, school in CSB has started this week...YEHEY!), art direction for BLIP 3 (CSB's lifestyle magazine), costumes for Che, costumes for KALOOB and Jenny Miller (for U CAN DANCE), Shoko's twill pants and some side orders for those thai pants (even though summer has officially ended).

But don't get the idea that I'm swimming in money with all those projects and orders, I guess I'm not that good at putting a price on my talent yet. Some are pro bono or just the total honest cost of labor and materials with a little extra for transpo and a meal. But I am earning experience that I can't buy nor get inside the four corners of the classroom.

Here's me looking at this toxic life from a better angle and hopefully one day, I'll be free.

"..And i'll sing my miseries to the sea

weave my stories in the sun

All the spells of this broken heart come undone...".

...2 poems for a nostalgic saturday afternoon.

I'd just like to share two poems that are very close to my heart for the sole reason that these mirror the current state of my being. Rilke and Frost are two respectable poets who have crafted these two masterpieces. I offer this entry to someone who must not be named and exists only in my memory and dreams.

For he, who came and left with my heart.You are not aware that after more than a year of separation, you still keep my shiny red baloon on a string.

You Who Never Arrived
Rainer Maria Rilke

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don't even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of the next
moment. All the immense
images in me-- the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,
cities, towers, and bridges, and unsuspected
turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods-
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.
You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house--, and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me.
Streets that I chanced upon,--
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and, startled,
gave back my too-sudden image. Who knows?
perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, seperate, in the evening...

Translated by Stephen Mitchell

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake,
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep.
And miles to go before I sleep.

And lastly, I offer this quote to everybody who loves, has loved, is loved, was loved and believes in the power and mystery of love.

"...I have a love in my life and it makes me stronger than anything you can imagine..."

- Adam Sandler PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE

...If only...

I've loved you since the day I met you but I wouldn't allow myself to truly feel it until today. I was always thinking ahead, making decisions out of fear. Because of you, every decision I made was different and my life has completely changed and I have learned that if you do that, your living your life fully. It doesn't matter if you have 5 minutes or 50 years. If not for today I would never have known love at all. So thank you for being the person who taught me to love and to be loved...

-If Only-

Round, round baby...round, round.

time:2:10am

venue: sala

background music: high and dry- radiohead.

At ten minutes after 2 in the morning, I've got melancholy piping from the speakers of my silver music box.

"Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever...Don't you boy?", sang Thom Yorke.

And boy does that sound good, after what I' ve been through today. Having braved a trip to Divisoria (for the boning and fusible cloth for the wedding and Shoko's swatches), pick-up make-up at Gateway (thanks to my bro, Ces, I didn't have to go back to my house.), zip to Mandaluyong too meet Shoko (And yes, we're back in business...Yebahh!), then rush to CSB again to do the make for the NCAA shoot.

Whew! I never thought doing make-up for ten people would be that tiring, even if the peg was just natural and clean-looking. I did styling for the pep squad of JRU(Jose Rizal University) and UPHD (University of Perpetual Help D___?). Both schools had very bubbly people, and I had fun chatting with the JRU Bombers while I did their make-up. They were so hilarious and friendly. Although I forgot to get all of their names in my memory, I remember Papa Bear, Princess, and Carlo. Pardon to the other two I forgot to mention. Well, I helped Johnny and Charles for the Bomber pictorial session with poses and angles. Thank God for my dance experience...

Dianne then treated me to dinner at Jollibee Vito Cruz, spaghetti and chicken never tasted this heavenly after a day like that. And just when I thought my day was over and I was to enjoy my FX ride home as my bed awaits for my return, Che suddenly texted regarding a surprise racket. I obliged to drop by, since their house was just two streets away from mine. I'll brief you on that project when I get the details.

I guess my Taft-Divi-Cubao-Mandaluyong-Taft-16th Avenue-Home route is one thing I'll try to veer away from unless

A.) I get a car with a driver...

B.) I suddenly have a partner who has a car...or

C.) I become a regular bum, just stay at home and get beer belly or be a parlorista.

I made a mental note to never choose option C, ever..

I guess this is the life...A fast blur of events, zipping across the metro, and completing a list of tasks for the day. It just makes me appreciate lazy days more and more. Like sunday afternoons spent lying in bed, watching reruns of CSI and hanging around the house and having enough time to enjoy family life.

Don't get me wrong, I also do appreciate the fast life I'm having right now. Meeting such interesting people (clients, and such interesting people), gaining experience and aving a taste of the real world is pretty interesting too. And I think that not all 22 year olds have the opportunity to live a life I'm having, meet the people I've met, nor gained the experience I've managed to pocket along the journey.

But I guess my only regret is that I don't have the person I love beside me right now, and that I am unable to share all of this happiness in my life. I guess the quote is true. "You can't bake your cake and eat it too." But I've still got time to burn and wait. For that someone out there who still has my heart on a string, I hope you can read this.

Ho hum. My apologies to everyone who gets to read this entry. I didn't intend to bombard you with a rather sappy and emotional ending, I really didn't. It somehow just leaked. Pardon moi. The stress might be kicking in now, with added nostalgia.

Heehee. Here's anticipating the day that awaits for me later. I'll give you a low-down on what happens later since supervising 8 groups for pictorial is known to induce insanity and breakdowns. Just wish me luck that I'll be alive to give you another entry and update you on my rather glamorous life.

Maybe I should change my blog name to something like The Adventures of Wonder Girl or Ang Mga Kagila-gilalas na Pakikipagsapalaran ni Santi Obcena.

Leche. Ang korni na ng mga hirit ko. Kailangan ko na matulog.

Santi signing off.

"You ain't gonna burn my heart out." , ang mga huling salita ko para sa estrangherong patuloy na may hawak sa pisi ng aking pulang lobo.

Magandang umaga.

time: 3:05am

background music: don't look back in anger-oasis

metamorphosis...

Today was a very good day.

Shoko called me at 10:45am, to ask where I was. At the precise moment her voice fell unto my ears, I remembered that I should've been at the PETA theater center at 10am to meet with her regarding her orders. I rushed to TC only to find she left already and was angry at me. I then called her but she never responded. After a while, she texted me saying that the fact that she trusted me with her orders is a sign that she trusts me as a good designer but I have shown her that I wasn't a good designer because of my poor and unprofessional time management.

That text rocked my world, and brought me down from my pedestal. It was the most memorable and worst negative comment about me that I really believed in. And there are very few people I listen to when it comes to their impression and reaction to who I am.

Just a backgrounder:

Shoko Matsumoto is a 1st class light designer hailing from Japan, but is now based here. She is the head honcho of Sinag Arts, and is very much a key mover in the art industry in the Philippines. Being Japanese, it is innate for her to become on time and punctual regarding schedules and appointments.

I reflected as I left the Theater Center. It was the worst breakfast I've ever had in quite a while. I guess the it hurt so much because I knew it was the truth. I apologized to her and told her how I could make it up to her. After a few hours of reflecting on my working style, I decided that a strong move for discipline should be in order.

To become a good artist, one should possess or develop the 3 D's, as we were told in high school...

Discipline.....Discipline....and Discipline..

One missing and it ain't complete.

Discipline involves being on time, being organized, delivering good products and taking care of your customer. These were what I needed to learn and embody, to become a good artist, may it be in dance, teaching, and fashion design.

After a few hours of torture, she texted me saying that we can reschedule our meeting to thursday at Sinag Arts studio. Ang saya ko, para bang sinagot ng langit ang mga dasal ko...

I guess life really gives us second chances, to become better, and rewrite mistakes. It's only up to us to swallow our pride, realize our mistake, formulate a solution or resolution and grab the opportunity by the balls.

Humility, Discipline, and Passion. These are the values I learned today.

And I'm glad that everyday is a chance to become better and wiser than yesterday...

I'll share with you some wisdom I got off Jaja's blog, I guess this is the follow up literature on my last entry regarding my search for the meaning of my life thru a fortune cookie..

The Blueprint of Success

by William Arthur Ward

"Believe while others are doubting
Plan while others are playing
Study while others are sleeping
Decide while others are delaying
Prepare while others are daydreaming
Begin while others are procastinating
Work while others are wishing
Save while others are wasting
Listen while others are talking
Smile while others are frowning
Commend while others are criticizing
Persist while others are quitting"

At 22, there's so much waiting for me outside the door. I know I'm good, but I guess one should never rest on his laurels...I know I have to be better, as each day passes.

Ho hum.

What a day.

Tell me about yours.

wisdom from a fortune cookie.

I cracked my fortune cookie this evening to find this.."You will finally get a clear picture of what you will need to do in your life".

Wisdom from a 5-peso fortune cookie from Chowking, I thought to myself. But I guess, this piece of paper embedded in a crisp pastry shell really does address one of my internal life questions:

"What do I really want to do with the rest of my life?".

Well, there's this urgent yearning to graduate soon. Then there's this fashion related career that I'm starting to build with a considerable number of clients, ranging from wedding entourage, grad ball dresses, to orders of thai pants . I must admit that I'm having fun while gaining experience and that I'm actually utilizing the skills I've learned in my course at CSB. But as my existence in Benildanze stopped, I guess part of my passion for dance died with the scholarship. Not that it's fully extinguished but I know that I'm not the same dancer who I was a year ago.

I suddenly wonder if all artists arrive at this fork in the road wherein they're confronted with this question, and forced to make a decision soon. Opening my e-mail , I am bombarded by messages from my high school batchmates from Philippine High School for the Arts, thru our yahoogroups. These messages are not your usual "hi" or "hello" messages, nor party info, but college grad sentiments. Most of us in my batch are graduating this year, some with honors, some just happy to arrive at the end of the line. But there's this commonality among them, the fear of being an unemployed recent graduate. The uncertainty that resides in between the moment that we officially graduate and the moment we are officially employed. I think almost everyone goes thru this stage in their life.

Comparing their dilemma with mine...

It's the successfully employed undergrad versus the unemployed successful graduate. The undergrad suffering from uncertainty in what he wants to pursue in his life combined with academic burdens while the unemployed graduate contemplates on financial security and the personal need to pursue what will be well-compensating yet not entirely selling himself out.

Ho hum.

These thoughts suddenly wake me from the idealistic world we've lived in high school and fast forward me to the real world. In a few months, I'll be part of the official list of graduates and of the work force. Hopefully by then I would've found the career path that clearly is for me.

A few minutes after 6am, I choose to face my own monsters..the one that's in my head and the one in my stomach. Today is a busy day , with a Divi trip, meeting, shopping session with Che, thai pants orders, and meeting with Shoko for her pants. And drop by Tinoy's place to pay the balance for Che's costumes, if there's some time left in my day.

Btw, Dianne and some of the SPO (Student Publications Office) pips left for Sagada last night. And somehow deep inside , I feel kinda envious that people are enjoying their summer tan with beach and mountain trips while I get mine from basking in the afternoon sun in Divisoria.

Next year, I promise to myself that my next summer will be different. Hopefully..

For now, it's just me, divi, clients, and wisdom from a 5-peso fortune cookie..

p.s (these are my new pics from a recent impromptu shoot..)

...a busy life this is...

Yesterday was really tiring as me and Che (Otto's girlfriend) went to Makati Cinema Square to have her bikini and Beyonce-ish leotards made. We then rushed to Carolina's Libertad for sequins, only to find it closed. Then we proceeded to Farmers to my alternative store only to find it closed for inventory. I guess the world conspired against us in our search for beads. Nakakaloka talaga ang pagod kahapon pero mukhang walang tatalo sa pagod ko mamaya hanggang bukas since bukas ang Divi day namin ni Ate Kris (pa client ko fro the wedding entourage) at pictorial ni Che.

I still have a two-piece bikini and a leotard to embellish in time for tomorrows shoot. Ho hum. I guess this is a Darna job once again.

I'm on my way to Toni's place in a few minutes, then I'm off to Tinoy's place for the leotards. Looks like it's a no-sleep night again.

What's new?

Taking chances,,,

Just to let you know, Pao did call me this morning but I decided to sleep it off. Then he texted me pleading not to say goodbye and that he loves me. I decided to answer his texts saying that I didn't particularly like the silence and the misplaced joke-attention getting device...

I was waging a war inside my head, here I was all prepped up for a goodbye speech but wasn't suddenly prepared for a requiem. He then texted that he'd call. I suddenly got fidgety, maybe I'm just not a breaking up person in real life, unless it's called for. The phone rang and I suddenly faced silence as he refused to speak too. It felt awkward but I guess he was listening to my speech, and I suddenly felt as if my words were made of iron.

To cut a long story short , because I lost some of the details since it was around 8am and I'm not a morning person, I am finally believing his words that he loves me, in some sense.

I guess it doesn't hurt to give second chances to people, take their apologies and forgive them for boo-boos.

Well, here it goes...another rollercoaster ride. Hope I get off from this alive and with a smile..

Wish me luck.

the unbearable weight of uncertainty.

Waking up at 3pm isn't really a fun thing, especially when you've planned to do a million things. Hungry and tired from sleeping, I amuse myself by starting to read something that has been waiting in my Favorites list for the longest time...the Cosmo Bedroom blog. Funny and witty, the blog has kept me for six hours, and counting because I'm still working my way thru February 2006 and I've got three months to go.

The blog exhibits the escapades of a late 20's or early 3o's woman living in the US, and her personal quips about life, sex, love and friendships. With similarities to Sex and the City, the Cosmo Bedroom blog really makes you sit at the end of your seat and glued to your computer screen. K, the main character, goes thru rollercoaster rides in her relationships with yummy and interesting men.

Ho hum. She really makes me cringe at the thought of having another relationship, as she meets all of these rather dynamic variety of men with their own quirks.

Over late lunch, I was suddenly faced with this unexplainable fear.

"What if I get so used to not having relationships, then I harden inside and become too indepedent?", I suddenly mutter to myself. My mom just looks at me with confusion on this sudden wild mind question, hugs me then smiles at me as she heads to the C.R to take her shower.

I texted Pao this evening, the 25 year old single dad, and told him about having to deal with this two days of silence from him. I guess I've never really been good at this way back then, having to be vocal about my feeling but I guess one has to start somewhere, right? I told him that I have decided that I didn't need this silence and uncertainty, and that this was the time to end it. I told Pao that if he saw a possibility in us being together he had to call me til 12 midnight, and if he didn't then just let the text messages pass. You may deduce that I am a bossy and demanding bitch with those statements, and I wouldn't blame you for that. I guess feeding myself uncertainty for almost a year after Red and I broke up, didn't help me realize the process of moving on and my self-worth. I have ceased to become blind and a martyr, that is why I saw no other way but to tell him what I felt.

For those of you have no idea on how the silence came to be, I'll give you the low-down. About three or four days ago, Pao woke me with these two text messages.

Message One:

"I called your haws but you were not there. I miss you so much, hope 2 hear your voice.Miss you and love you..."

Message Two:

" I'm so sorry Jay if I wasn't able to answer your calls. Di ko lang naririnig ung rings. If you have time, please do call me so-Pao"

I'd just like to reiterate that my name is Santi, for everyone who suddenly forgot my name. Back to the story...I then sent him a text asking him if it was a joke and that I was confused because of the texts. But he didn't answer. Day even asked what the text was all about since I suddenly contorted my face from sunny to cloudy in an instant. I kept my cool since he didn't answer. All day long, I was left with questions..."Was it a joke or not?" or "Was he was just playing with me?"

People we're telling me that you don't just text people that way as a form of joke, and my heart twitched because somehow I knew that it was true. Pao woke me up the next morning at around 8:30am with a phone call, and I am not even a morning person, He was on his way home from work and just had enough time to change clothes for a presentation deadline. He asked me if my silence yesterday was due to the "text messages". I told him that it was part of it. Pao then explained that it was a joke, and that "nagpapansin lang siya". I then made a mental note to myself not to use this method of catching my friend's attention. He then asked me if I wasn't believing that explanation and then I mumbled something I couldn't remember. Pao then told me he missed me, then bid me goodbye with a quick "i love you"...I stupidly answered back, "I love you too"..

I guess, I should've listened to Henry's advice after all. And just say thank you when people mutter I love you's without hesitance, at your expense.

Well, here's me thinking outloud at 2:44am and wondering where all of this goes. Ho hum. I guess I should be getting to the dishes waiting in the sink, at least after a bit of scrubbing and mosquito bites, I have achieved a fairytalesque ending...with clean and squeaky clean plates.

Btw, Pao called while I went out for a walk, unfortunately he didn't call my landline again when I texted him that I was back. Ho hum. What a shitty day this has been, besides reading the Cosmo blog.

Ho hum. It really makes me excited on how tomorrow will unfold.

the tension of connection and disconnection...

The first few months of this year has proved to be interesting for most of my friends and myself. Having witnessed numerous break-ups and new relationships, I am left amazed and enmeshed in the power that these two statements bring into one's life.

"I love you..." and "I'm breaking up with you.."

Having just talked to a friend regarding his own break-up with a partner of four months, I am suddenly confronted with my own demons from past relationships. A conversation pops into my head, involving me and my bestfriend Day.

She asks me, in exasperation over her own break-up..."Sino bang mas makapangyarihan? Yung nangiiwan ba o iniiwan?"

And I am suddenly faced with a montage of statements, from Henry, Stephen , and everyone else who has had their fair share of happiness and heartache. Where do I find myself in this chaotic and otherwise melancholic mix of love and hate? of happiness and heartbreak?

Just as I decided last night, while watching Amelie, that I am ready to enter a relationship, a flurry of questions woke me this morning. At around half past eight am, I am greeted by text messages from prospect partners. One is a 25 year old single dad, whom I have exchanged conversations with am currently engaged to when i turn 25, while the other is 15 year old mature guy whom I wish was of legal age. "Ang ganda mo kasi", I muttered to myself in mixed excitement and paranoia. There are complications here and there if I finally decide who among the two I will entertain.

I think that one should never swim in two pools at the same time, out of sheer respect for everything that love, trust, and commitment stands for.

Ho hum.

At 3:35 am today, I decide to let go of searching for love and finally place this longing inside the glove compartment and put my academic and artistic development in the front seat. I suddenly realize that there are far too many important things to be resolved in my life at this moment, demanding my utmost and full attention and focus. And if my Prince Charming falls into my life during this period of reflection and renovation of priorities, then so be it, but I choose to not look for LOVE at the moment. Tulad ng sabi ni Henry, "Suffering is optional."

And I simply choose not to.

of love and other demons..

I must admit that the past two weeks have been very interesting, in terms of work and love...And that realization simply surprises me mainly due to the fact that I've never had this much happening in my life in such a short time.

I've met so many people that it actually is starting to be fun. heehee...

After more than a year since my big break up, I can say that I am ready and willing to be in a relationship again. A mature yet can't live-without-you kind of relationship that's headed into a beautiful sunset. I guess there's so much happiness I'm experiencing right now that I'd like to share it with somebody. ho hum...If only finding a partner was that easy and fool-proof, but i think that having relationships was never meant to be "fairytale-esque". No fairy godmothers to help you find your prince charming.

For the modern gay man, there is so many options in meeting a partner, may it be physical or virtual initial meeting. There's the speed dating that's also popular with straights, hanging out at malate, government or embassy. But if you're the conservative or busy gay or bisexual maybe you'd like to try www.guys4men.com, www.downelink.com, or www.connexion.org. But be wary of posers and fakers who use other peoples pictures. Such a pityful culture..

On a personal note, I've met so many interesting and worthwhile individuals who can either turn out to be your next friend, best friend, fuck buddy, or long-term partner. It all depends on how you play your cards and your motives and chosen style of attack.

As for me, I'm currently looking for a long-term partner. Hook-ups, fuck buddies, and one-night stands aren't really my thing. There's this temporary quality about hook-ups that just isn't me. Ho hum...

As for the big picture of my life..

• The designs for the wedding is turning out okay, just need to canvas for the materials and haggle withe dress shop for rates.
• Kaloob, needs three designs for maria clara and praise dances. Yipee!
• And there are still orders for thai pants...
• Finally, I'm currently talking to someone whom I like, and maybe he'll walk with me on this journey..

Hay, what a week!

Can't wait to see what's in store for me next week..

santi signing off..