...from the mind of the boy who wants to be ballgown..

just got this off Ie's bulletin board message at downelink, and thought to myself that it's been quite a while since I had some time to answer an online questionnaire. Plus, this seems to be quite an interesting set of questions.

1) are you single, taken or crushing?

--> taken, yet i don't know if this current relationship of mine is what i really want right now. i know it's bad, yet i still catch my self thinking bout someone else. ho hum.

2) are you happy with where you are?

--> hmmm. i must admit that i am quite happy with the opportunities that are coming my way, yet i can't say that i am generally happy. there are things i want to do but i can't pursue them because of some constraints.

3) when you meet the right person, do you fall fast?

--> i am such a klutz when it comes to falling in love. i fall at a rate faster than the speed of light, i guess.

4) have you ever had your heart broken?

--> yes, twice if memory serves me right. unlike my Ie, i don't really have a automatic defense mechanism against hurting. i have always believed in the idea that "one has to give everything, to gain everything." hence, when my relationships end, i always find myself shattered on floor.

5) do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is ok?

--> nope. i don't think that it will ever be okay.

6) would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?

--> i would probably have to say yes. as an aquarian, i always believe that people change and learn their lessons. and yes, i am very much human.

7) have you ever talked about marriage with another person?

--> yupyup. and i still do. somehow, marriage for me is a concept that has evolved into something more than just a religious ritual for straight people. i talk about it with my friends, mom, and my best friend...and yes, i am bridal wear designer, so i also discuss it with my clients.

8) do you want children?

--> yes, definitely. to raise a child is one of the greatest and most valuable gift that God has ever entrusted to Man.

9) how many?

--> about two or three would be wonderful.

10) would you consider adoption?

--> i'd like to see my self reflected in the eyes of a child that sprung from my own gene pool. but if it's too much to ask, then i'll be content with what God wants me and my partner to have.

11) if somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way for them to tell you?

--> i've always been a sucker for romantic endeavors, maybe because i am also a die hard romantic sentimental realist. i guess an invitation for a night out would be a good start, then he can probably tell it to me while looking into my eyes with the stars bearing witness.

12) do you enjoy playing hard to get?

--> sometimes i do. it's nice to see someone going after you and exerting much effort to be noticed.

13) do you want someone you can't have?

--> sadly, yes...stupid stupid me..

14) do you believe love at first sight exists?

--> hmm...very much, i must say.

15) do you believe in celebrating anniverseries?

--> i do enjoy the concepty of going on monthsaries and anniversaries. yet, i enjoy the thought of celebrating love everyday not just every month or every year.

16) do you believe that you can change someone?

--> we all have the power to change someone and inevitably, his life too. in the little

17) if you could get married anywhere, money's not an object, where would it be?

--> in netherlands. or in south africa. same-sex marriage is legal there.

18) do you have feelings for someone right now?

--> yes. feelings for two people actually...quite complicated set-up in my heart if you ask me.

19) have you ever wished you could have someone but you couldnt?

-->i try not to think about those type of things to much. it just gets me

20) have you ever broken a heart?

--> i have, and it pains me to realize that the heart i broke belongs to man i want to spend the rest of my life with.

21) would you ever fight somebody over your significant other?

--> yes, i would. to fight for love would be the best conquest ever.

22) what would you say about your last girl/boyfriend?

--> he's one the best people i know, a good conversationalist, artist, son, and brother.

23) would you marry any of your ex's if they ask?

--> ...i would, even if he doesn't ask me to.

24) what was the worst thing you did to get back at an ex?

--> ewan ko ba, i still hate my first ex about the way he ended our relationship yet i can't bring myself to birth a revenge scheme. but, yes, there are days that i wish i could just punch him in the face or tummy, just to alleviate this feeling. but other than wishful thinking, i don't enjoy the thought of revenge.

i must admit that i had fun answering every question, although there were some that i wish i didn't have to answer..it took me some time, but i answered it wit all honesty and as fast as i could para di ko na masyadong pag-isipan.

..my own mr. darcy...

i just remembered spending four hours of my precious early morning hours 2 weeks ago, with Darlene, watching Bridget Jones' Diary 1 and 2. I am amazed how the story eveolves on something so beuatiful yet simple..

and yes, i want my own mr.darcy...

...sleep star boy...sleep.

Just finished reading Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli, a simple yet poignant book about being who you are, fitting in, the sacrifice/compromise in between and loving...I must admit that it was quite a read, with the refreshing story about a boy loving a girl who was a different crowd all by herself.

Most of the time, I feel like Stargirl Carraway, different and annoyingly amusing with her out of this world antics and freakishly beautiful habits. And at one time in my life, I remember loving a boy who didn't think I was worth everything in his world, and so I was treated as an invisible entity and he moved on and left. Sad as it may seem, that is very much a part of my not-so-distant past yet, like Stargirl's story, it left a stab in my mind and heart. Like Leo (Stargirl Carraway's love interest), sometimes I wonder what if I did the things in the right manner and never undervalued people who loved me, would things have turned out much better than it is now?

After two ex-boyfriends and being in a long-distance relationship, I still ponder on how things would've been if all was really fair in love...as they say.

...on the next episode of Lost...

...spent yesterday evening with johnny, jr, philip and dianne at Mall of Asia, celebrated day's 21'st birthday by seeing a james bond movie. I had a choreography session with students from UERM for their Mr. and Ms. nursing that's slated on the 24th of november...

...just finished a meeting this afternoon about a project for a baranggay in marikina bout an interpretative dance contest. ho hum...

...looks like my planner is getting quite filled to the brim...cheers to all of these projects, i just hope that i'll still have time for school and the beloved..

...ho hum..

"I have no armour left. You've stripped it from me.

Whatever is left of me - whatever I am - I'm yours."

---james bond

..sa isang saglit...

...my body is so sore from rehearsing yesterday for the new piece, being choreographed by Erwin Flores. lifting philip so many times has rendered my arms useless for the moment, can't even have fun with myself....

...heehee...

...but i'm still looking forward to my collaboration with stephen on my solo, set to lani misalucha's haunting rendition of tuliro, at nawa'y mabigyan ko ng hustisya ang kanta...

...tuliro, tuliro, tuliro...
parang may kumislap sa mata ko
at nagsumayaw ang mga anghel sa aking likuran...
kay bilis namang...
......mabaliw...............................

...the boy ain't sad no more..

I have learnt so much today...in many areas of my life. I must say that this relationship between me and arvin isn't really the easiest thing in the world. There are days that I feel left out and alone. Somehow I'm learning that WE is a developmental process, an ongoing step-by-step revelation and discovery.

I can't promise that I won't feel sad everytime he doesn't text back but I guess I've learnt that patience is a virtue when you're in a long distance relationship.

...heehee...

On another note, I was part of the three stylists that we're interviewed by ABC-5 for a Loren Legarda show. We were all asked to pick pieces from an ukay ukay and explain our choice. Somehow, the experience was very much interesting for me as I am an ukay ukay addict, with 90 percent of my clothes coming from ukay. I felt good imparting styling tips regarding choosing pieces and on ukay background...

By the way, the episode will be airing on November 17, at 10pm sa channel 5...Hope you guys get to watch it...

p.s ( mahal na mahal kita boy tanggero... :)

...on the third season of Lost..

I guess I just couldn't help it, yes, I dated myself again last night. Happened to see CAKE, starring Heather Graham and a cute guy, in a movie about a free-spirited girl who takes on the job of managing a bridal magazine. I happened to see some PETA friends who also saw the movie. Somehow, the movie fell under the category of a "feel good' movie but am still puzzled how it made me more sad despite the rather light and optimistic ending.

I just can't get my mom's question off my mind...as she asked me this morning if Arvin does reciprocate everything that I give or exert enough effort to make me feel something. I answered a resounding and confident "Yes", even though I knew I was lying". Deep inside my mind i knew that it wasn't the truth. I'm quite to admit that this relationship of ours hasn't really been easy for the both of us. There are days which I really feel lost despite the assurance and trust we give each other. I can't just seem to not feel bad every now and then that He doesn't even drop into my consciousness every now and then...

Piso lang ang text, I try to tell myself.

The ceiling must get tired of listening to my thoughts at night. I'm hesitant of letting this go without getting to the bottom of this, I have this feeling that I might regret all of this very soon. I love Arvin but somehow it's also painful that you're committed to someone yet you feel alone in the middle of the night. I still am looking forward to spending christmas and new year with him, wherever it may be. And yes, Mama has already agreed, I just need to tell Papa.But I know it won't be hard. I just hope I can still hang on and not break into a million pieces before that day comes. I'm just a little confused on what to do or what to think right now, because normally I know what to do in these situations. But i guess I'm so so lost. fucking lost and aching...Do I stay and be faithful, patient and understanding or just pack this relationship and sail another day?...

ho hum.

I just wish I knew what to do at times like this. "Why can't I just bake my cake and eat it too?", I ask myself.

the day breaks, my heart aches...

p.s ( i just feel like crying right now, and it would feel cinematic up to some point in this internet cafe amidst shouting teeny bopper gamers and people surfing porn, but i guess the tears can wait 'til later..)