"paalam na aking anghel,
lumisan na’t malayo pa ang lalakbayin…”
-Sa Lilim ng Buwan
At 11pm Philippine standard time last Monday, a plane bound for Houston, Texas took off into the evening sky ,and with it, a part of my heart also went up in the air. The past weeks have been the most beautiful moments in my life. I met a man who inspired me unconsciously, with one picture, teaching me a lesson in discipline, patience and temperance. Years after that encounter with his picture, I finally met the person through the internet and then in real life.
Somehow, in the process of going out with him, I suddenly fell in love. For almost two weeks, I had the chance to discover this wonderful person and share beautiful moments. There were days we'd stay up late at Starbucks or hang out at the 5th floor elevators of Gateway chatting about old scars and family lives. Walking home from a movie and dinner date, we talked about the unbearable weight of transience, being lost, facing certain changes and uncertainty in this life. Somehow, we shared mornings, afternoons and even evenings together; deconstructing stories and making memories.
Remembering a very familiar quote, I guess all good things do come to an end. The days did creep up on us and suddenly, I was faced with the fact that this man before me had to go back to America, to his star. Funny though, we always associated ourselves with The Little Prince. Him, being the Prince and me, being the Fox. I'd like to think that the Little Prince did have a space in his heart for the Fox that he tamed. I guess there is indeed this danger of sadness when one allows himself to be tamed.
As I am writing this, I know he has finally arrived in the land of promise, tired from more than a day of changing planes and flying half-way across the world. As I am left here in Manila, so many thoughts and questions have started to knock on my door and I must admit that I haven't stopped crying at the sight of a Body Shop store, Mcdonald's, and Starbucks. I know it sounds overly melodramatic but that's how I really am as a person. I cry for things, people, places and events in my life which I deem important and memorable.
I know that a number of my friends have read my previous entries and are asking me what's wrong or why am I sad, or who's the cause of all of my "senti" entries, that is why I have agreed with the other side of my brain to finally write this.
Putting this down on a piece of paper or the internet actually is a double-edged sword of some sort, because you get to use writing as a catharsis but there is a risk that people might think you're a deranged person who's maniacally in love with someone you've only met for almost two weeks. Trust me, most of my supposed friends think that I've fallen head over heels too soon. There are only a handful of people who think otherwise and I'm not really annoyed nor bothered that only a few people can see it my way or how I perceive my own feelings and situation. Remembering a line from Liza Magtoto's Agnoia , "Iba-iba tayo ng paraan ng pagmamahal."
Sadly, I didn't get an absolution nor certainty before he left, only this realization that those two weeks wasn't an utter waste of time but rather the best moments in my adult life. To be given the chance to know someone intimately and completely, to share unguarded times and very personal details, is certainly a gift that one has to treasure for all time. To find someone whom you want to share dreams and conversations with and grow old with is like hitting a jackpot on the lottery or finding a diamond in mud.
To this boy, I wish you all the goodness and beauty this life has to offer. I finally realize that we are from the same mold, and will always strive for freedom. That is why I ask you to fly, follow your dreams and explore every nook and cranny in the universe. All of the new people, places and experiences that you chance upon will define you better as a person. This is my greatest wish, for you to be able to grasp your dreams and find your way to the top of the world. It pains me that it will be a long time before our paths cross again, but I pray that it does in the end. I realize that I cannot make you love me, for only your heart can make you feel that way, but I do hope you get to remember me fondly every now and then. You have given me more than you will ever know, and for that I am forever grateful.
To love, art and dreaming...
posted by sants @ 10:58 AM
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