..silence, solitude and other demons...

"Really great men must experience great sadness in the world." -Raskolnikov, from Fyodor Dostoevsky's novel, "Crime and Punishment"

Coming home from a movie at Gateway, I find myself tired and currently staring at my blank screen. Not sure whether I'd rather write a poem, an entry or do some work that's been waiting for me for the past two weeks. Well, my first wedding is now officially finished and with it I am now left to finish another set of new projects. By the way, the dresses were nice and very well received, and that certainly made all of the early morning beading sessions worth the stress and torture. I wasn't able to atend the service since I had to go home from the hotel, but I made sure that I dropped by in time for the reception to show some loving. I'm happy to be a part of a realizing a couple's lifelong dream.

Ho hum...kainggit.

Just wanted all of you guys to know that I'll be doing one wedding in September and costume design for PETA's Don_Q...(a play based on Don Quixote)...The very thought of doing costume design again just makes me so excited and panicky, looks like this is the start of two stressful months into the future.

The Mindanao trip has given me so much good memories that I actually miss just being my age and enjoy the sun on my naked skin. But what I miss the most is the blanket of stars as I lay on the beach and feeling the water washing away the sand with my fears and tension.

I guess I'm going back to my old habit of watching last full shows at Gateway, out of sheer loneliness or boredom. I think that having personal time again is good, I've been craving for eat outs and movies for the longest time, but haven't really had the time because of the wedding preparations. That's why I'll accept any invitations for an eat out or movie anytime...hehe...

Amidst the numerous things that I'm currently doing, I still find my self walking alone from CCP contemplating my life or staring at the ceiling at 3am not really sure if I'm happy or not. I guess Dostoevsky was right, although I'm not really great yet. and sometimes I really do think that I'd rather exchange all of this supposed greatness and talent for companionship and happiness.

Ho hum.

Here's me signing off for the moment and catching some shut eye, since I haven't fully recovered from the wedding stress..I hope to post pictures very soon...

p.s ( for any of my friends who's up for dinner and a movie, here's my number...09212609595...)

ang A to Z ng buhay ko.....................(galing kay tophe)

A - Age you first believed in love?

//> nung 21 ako...feb 18, 2005

B - Band listening to right now?

//> Makiling Ensemble, Sugarfree, Dave Matthews Band, Coldplay, at Keane...

C - Dream Car

//> Ford Expedition

D - Dad's name?

//> Arturo aka Cesar

E - Easiest person to make u laugh?

//> Si Angelo Manzano..classmate ko nung hayskul.

F - Food you miss most?

//> Paksiw na bangus ni Manang Paring, yung yaya ko dati. Di na kasi siya dito nakatira sa amin.

G - Any encounters with ghosts?

//> Madalas, malakas kasi ang pakiramdam ko sa mga mumu at forces..

H - Who is in your heart right now?

/>>Old loves and new crushes......

I- Interesting unknown fact about you?

//> Nagkaron ako ng girlfriend nung grade 4 ako..

J - just tell me who's the last person who brokeyour heart?

//> WEll, secret na malupet..Okay na ako kaya not worth mentioning na. Nananahimik na siya eh.

K - Kissing with eyes open or closed?

//>Nakapikit..dahil it's rude to stare. Although minsan sumisilip ako.

L - Last time you did fight?

//> Medjo matagal na.I don't really fight with anyone unless it's called for.

M - Most memorable moment you can think of in a minute?

//> The beaches of Gen San..sparkling waters and calm horizon...

N - Nicknames?

//>Santi, sants, balong, kajo, babyboy, be, chrysanthemum dumalo, niknok, kot, diyosa, diyosanti..ganda...yung balong ay nanay at tatay ko lang at yaya ko ang pwedeng tumawag nun sa akin. yung baby boy at be ay yung dalwang ex ko lang ang pwede. yung Kot, si dianne lang..yung diyosa, para sa studyante ko lang...heehee...kanya kanya sila ng tawag sa akin...

O - Open Up! What's your most valuedpossession?

//> My time, because I do not have much of it for myself. That is why I am very careful to whom I give my time to, because Time is also synonymous to LOVE.

P - Place you are right now

//> sa terrace ng bhay.

Q - Quote you heard for the last two minutes?

//> Forget regret, or life is yours to miss...- Rent

R - Remember the last time you cried?

//> Yupyup...medjo magdadalwang buwan na ..

S - Song you sang last?

//> Comfort in your Strangeness -Cynthia Alexander

T - Time you woke up?

//> mga ten am kanina kaso natulog uli ako, tapos 3pm na ang gisingan portion

U - Use love in a sentence.

//> Love me, that's all I ask of you...-Phantom of the Opera

V - Vegetable you hate most?

// wala. mahilig ako sa gulay.Our mom raised us to love vegetables, as in lahat..pati okra, ampalaya, at toge..

W - What are you most afraid of?

//> bad decisions...and uncertainty..pwede na rin yung ahas, daga at ipis

X - X-rated love life?

//> hmmm. dati oo, ngayon ang love life ko parang disney cartoon....very wholesome.

Y - Year you were born?

//> 1984

Z - Zodiac sign?

//> Aquarius na pasaway...

p.s (bored ako at walang magawa at 2:30 am...pasensya na trip trip lang)

...isang survey para sa nababagot...

Current..

Current Taste: Relaxed casual masculine look.
Current Clothes: My mom's Brokeback checkered polo and fave jeans
Current Desktop: a graphic image of someone falling into vines
Current Toenail Color: au naturelle
Current Time: 1:30 am
Current Surroundings: harsh white light from the lamp, and updharma down on the media player...
Current Annoyances: being single and hectic schedules.
Current Thoughts: "I need to finish the clothes for the wedding"..

First...

First Best Friends: Dianne, Step, and Tones...
First Crush: erwin sumang (?)
First Movie: Petrang Kabayo, Halimaw sa Banga, atbp..
First Lie: "'Di ko crush yun ah." hahaha.
First Music: Spice Girls...

Lasts...
Last Cigarette: While dancing "Death fo the Dancer" in cotabato.
Last Drink: Pepsi X near sam's house.
Last Car Ride: thursday evening, sa car ni ate san san...
Last Crush: sam prudenciado, airdance apprentice...
Last Movie: Lady in the Water
Last Phone Call: incoming call from my Lola.
Last CD played: UpDharmaDown-unfragmented
Last song played: Heavy by holly brook

Have you ever...
Have you ever dated one of your best friend: eeeeww..di pa naman..
Have you ever broken the law: YES...
Have you ever been arrested:NO, luckily...
Have you ever skinny-dipped: Di pa naman, nakakahiya ever.
Have you ever been on TV: Yes, accidentally...
Have you ever kissed someone you don't know: I really wish....

5 things you are wearing:
checkered polo, nice jeans, ruby ring, silver necklace and black undies...

4 things you did today:
sewn beads on a dress, watched a play, went on a date, answered a survey...

3 things you would like to hear right now:
"Walang pasok ng buong linggo!"
"I love you too, and I'd like to be in a relationship with you!"
"You just won 100 million sa lotto!"

2 people you fantasize about
Dennis Trillo
and John Mullaly

1 thing u do when you're bored:
sleep...or magbasa ng book...

...i'm back...!

...just got back from the davao-gen san- south cotabato trip we had for the 5th Mindanao National Modern Dance Competition. And daming masasayang tagpo at pangyayaring naganap sa loob ng ilang araw. Medjo kararating ko pa lang kahapon, via Air Philippines from Davao, kaya medjo bangag pa ako ng sobra sa mga pangyayari....heehee..

I'll update you guys on the everything as soon as the other dancers get back here in manila, since they brought along their cameras and took snapshots along the trip. I'd want to tell my story along with visual aids. Heehee...I'm okay and back in one piece. I've had so many realizations on this 5 day-trip. And many of the misplaced thoughts in my head have found answers or alternate solutions. The trip made me realize what I was missing when I stopped dancing. Ho hum. There still are opportunities along the way for me to dance.

I'll post my mindanao entry as soon as i get hold of the pictures. I promise....

Padayon.

p.s ( I got the call from PETA, and they want me to do costumes for Don Quixote, which will be done about two to three months from now. I am so excited to be working with Chris Millado (direction) and Leo Abaya once again for stage design...quiggles quiggles...wish me luck...)

...amnesia...

(para kay shirley temple)

walking home
one realizes the moment
at hand
second upon second
ceasing to exist
with no memory of you
whatsoever

even the sky
does not remember the sound
of your name upon my lips
nor do the walls
recognize
your hand caressing my hair
while i sleep

i have tried bribing the
ceiling
into divulging into my ear
how we entwined on the bed
and wove love into
a blanket
for all our fears

but it seems the days have
grown into weeks
weeks into months
and
months trickling to more than a year
of longing and despair
trying to find answers that were
never really there
to begin with

father time seems to
have conspired with sister memory
one recollection dissolving for every second
that passes under our breath

tell me
how our story goes

and where it ended.

...what i want to be when i grow up...

"Great people are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great..." - Mark Twain

The past few days have been more toxic as so many things are drawing nearer and nearer, and I feel they're ganging up on me. The National Modern Dance Competition is creeping up on me, and I still haven't practiced the contest piece whilst smoking. Woe is me, ang tanging gusto kong sabihin sa langit. hay, kung hindi ko lang kaibigan si Stephen ay matagal na akong umatras sa sayaw na ito. Una, 'di naman talaga ako naninigarilyo. Pangalawa, jologs na ako sumayaw at jologz akong magbilang kapag nagiiba ang time signature. Nampota. I know that really sounds so kantospeak, but I feel that this will be one of the very few last chances that I'll be dancing in my lifetime. I just feel that I should be concentrating on my major career which is fashion and costume design.

Secondly, the first wedding I'm doing designs for, is already just around two weeks away. Natetense ako dahil medjo aalis ako for five days and I need to fit all of the dresses para may nangyayari habang wala ako..sobrang tenseness na ako.. Pero masaya ako at kahit papano'y magiging parte ako ng pag-realize ng isang lifelong commitment between two people. Seeing them really makes me want to get married myself, and design my whole wedding entourage. Parang gusto ko na naka-thai pants ang lahat ng boys at ang mga girls ay naka-bikini and sarong. Bongga di ba? Ang kulang na lang ay ang Prince Charming ko para makumpleto ang buong celebration. But I'm not really in a hurry naman, I've realized that one can't rush love because it will happen if it's the right time.

Gusto ko lang din i-share na masaya ako't nakatulong ako sa palabas ng Makiling friends and classmates sa kanilang palabas sa Virgin Labfest sa CCP nung friday at saturday. It was fun seeing some of my batchmates and schoolmates from PHSA act again and come together to weave a story right before our eyes. It made me feel proud of my roots as an artist, to look back at all of those Makiling years of my life. Hehe. Senti moment. Pakshet, what I would give to return to any day in my four years of being up in the mountains. Ho hum.

Meeting Lotlot, accidentally, at Gloria Jeans coffee shop, a while ago made me realize that I still want to teach someday, when the opportunity presents itself. To be given the chance to mold young minds, is the second highest responsibility in the universe. For the first is to birth and raise a child. Medjo pareho rin yun, pero isipin mo yung isang buong classroom na puno ng mga batang nakatanghod sa 'yo at handang makinig sa sasabihin mo't ipapangaral.

Naisip na gusto kong maging nanay o tatay balang araw...

At magluto ng almusal sa umaga, magplantsa ng uniporme, manggising ng asawa at mga anak at kumaway habang papaalis ang school bus at kotse. Maglaba ng mga damit, at maghugas ng mga pinggan, magsampay ng mga damit sa tanghali at manuod ng teleserye after lunch. Tawagan ang assistant ko sa opisina at secretary para malaman kung okay naman ang lahat, sabay drive to an appointment. Drive back, change clothes, salubungin ang mga anak from the school bus. Maghanda ng meryenda, tumulong sa assignments at maghanda ng hapunan.

In other words, I'd like to be a housewife/househusband someday...wala lang...naisip ko lang. Looking at how my mom guided us way back then and until now, I realize that she had a blast raising all of us and looking after us. I guess, I just want to feel that too...

Ho hum.

Here's the housewife-wannabe signing off for now..heehee...

...coming home...

So, won't you take me home tonight or

give me wings to fly...

...pisces balloon...

pisces balloon
santi obcena

twin fishes
swimming in a pool
of uncertainty

flitting and entwined
in each other's
story

we are,
but one balloon getting
ready to burst.

..the beauty of idle time....

While listening to Makiling Ensemble weave a tapestry of beautiful music, I decided to doodle amidst friends and co-artists...Here's what came out of the process..

balloon lady

won't you come to church
with me

fly me to the star nearest
to the moon
so i could peer into the face of
such a beautiful god

the stars may have all drifted away
into nothingness
but you still keep my heart
on a string
and yours still in mine

so won't you come to church
with me sometime.


tumbang preso

halika't samahan mo
ako sa ilalim ng buwan
magtakbuhan at maghiyawan
magsaya
at maging bata uli
kahit 'sang saglit lang

kumandirit at tumalon
sabay bato ng tsinelas
sa latang naghihintay na
magapi
dahil
mayamaya lang ay tatawagin
na ni Inay
at muling mangangarap na ika'y makasabay.

...the boy who always wanted to fly...

Alex re-read Elizabeth Bishop's The One Art, for the nth time. Going over each line repeatedly to make sure that he understood it perfectly. The poetry printed on paper represented his life at this point, Alex thought to himself. The sad realization that he was already a master at losing things and people in his life, whether it was his decision or fate's.

He was already late for a visit, and was half-afraid and half-excited to arrive at his destination. Wondering on how this meeting would turn out, and if everything would be as He and Ysa planned. He'd visit her during rehearsals for a play, where Kevin would also be an actor in, bump into each other and hopefully strike a conversation. And maybe, just maybe, he'd be on his way to achieving the long overdue closure on their relationship. It's been more than a year since they accidentally saw each other on the MRT, after Kevin disappeared from Alex's life completely. The jeep breezed right past Makati Cinema Square, and was working it's way towards MC Home Depot. In a while, he'll be getting down and taking a tricycle that'll take him directly to Repertory Philippines. Alex was beginning to feel cold just thinking about what'll happen after that, but he wasn't about to let his fear get in the way.

This is it, he thought to himself, and finally pushed the door leading to the Rep Lounge. A cold flush of air from the aircon greeted him, along with stares from unfamiliar faces. Alex was making his way near the rehearsal hall, when Ysa walked out of the door and immediately gave him a hug. Thank God you're here!, she blurted out. It certainly took you so much time to get here, and then gave Alex a tighter tug. Wrapped in Ysa's embrace, He could see Kevin's face amidst the hustle and bustle of people moving up and about inside the hall. He hasn't changed much, after all these months, his hair just a little bit longer and face a little bit more defined, he mumbled to himself. Ysa sensed Alex was focused on something else other than the embrace, she then moved to his back and whispered, "It really feels weird seeing the boy you loved who left you, dancing and singing in front of you noh?".

Alex pulled away and walked towards the couch, contemplating on what dramatic attack he'd utilize.

Attack one: We don't really know each other, and Ysa will have to introduce us.

Attack two: I know him a little bit, as we were just acquaintances, or

Attack three: Just act like as you really are, long lost lovers...

Ysa slumped on the couch and flashed him an i-know-what-you're-thinking kind of smile as she unwrapped candy and popped it into her mouth. Alex's phone suddenly vibrated, and Jaja's name was flashing on his screen. He walked to door to answer his call, and at that moment Kev walked out the rehearsal hall and got water from the dispenser. Ysa was following Kev from the corner of her eye, and she distinctly saw Kev take a second glance at Alex by the door as he was re-entering the rehearsal hall. He ended the call and faced her once again with a sigh. Ysa gave him another naughty look and muttered, "He looked at you while you were taking the call". Alex felt a jarful of butterflies empty into his stomach, and was a bit nauseous for a moment. He sat quietly on the couch, beside her, and let out a long sigh. Ysa!, the stage manager called. She kissed Alex on the cheek and ran into the hall. 5 minutes went by and still, the butterflies were there. He felt his feet gravitate towards the table opposite the glass walls of the rehearsal hall, and he succumbed to this unexplainable desire to see this strange boy whom he has loved after all these months.

Kev walked towards the glass and tapped it with his arnis stick, and waved at the boy on the other side. Alex waved back with uncertainty and gave back a smile, his heatbeat racing faster and faster. Kev turned his back and resumed his role, leaving the other boy waving into nothingness. At that point, Alex opened his mouth to say something but instead of words came butterflies in every color, irridescent and ethereal, fluttering around him. Kev looked back just in time to catch a glimpse of Alex rising into the air, smiling at him while waving goodbye then fading into a thousand yellow butterflies, vanishing completely.

And at that moment, Alex learned that he could fly.

"The art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster."

-Elizabeth Bishop, One Art.